DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have always been under the impression that when a person makes a telephone call, it is the caller who assumes financial responsibility for the conversation, except in situations where the charges are specifically "reversed." Cell phones seem to have changed these rules.

Many people now have "unlimited long-distance" plans with their cell phone company when calling other cell phone users within the same company. I do not have this kind of plan with my company and pay a high price for my minutes, whether I'm making or receiving a call. (This plan is most economical for me since I very rarely use my phone except for emergencies.)

People with these unlimited long-distance plans will call me on my cell phone because it's "free" for them, but it's rather expensive for me. What's the most polite way to ask them to call me on my landline, even though it will cost them more to do so?

GENTLE READER: "Would you mind calling me back on my landline, please?" If the caller demurs, Miss Manners suggests a chorus of "What? What? What did you say?"

There are other phrases you might find handy:

When you are asked for your cellular telephone number, it is perfectly proper to say, "Oh, I never have it on. It's quicker to reach me by -- " home telephone, office telephone, e-mail address, regular address or whatever method you prefer. Or you can say, "I'm afraid it's hard to reach me. Why don't you give me your number?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have been married for six wonderful months and we are both attorneys. I have been intending to order some formal stationery but I am confused about how to properly identify ourselves.

I had been advised to write out our names as Mr. and Mrs. John Doe, Esq. -- however, this implies that only my husband is an attorney.

What would be the proper way to identify the both of us as being attorneys? Or should I leave the Esq. off the letterhead all together?

Some of my friends have suggested that including the title is a dated and/or pretentious concept. I don't want our stationery to look like we are running a law firm from our home, but at the same time, I would like to recognize our joint achievement of having worked very hard to become lawyers.

GENTLE READER: Don't you mean that you want others to recognize it? You and he already know.

Miss Manners understands that there are occasions when you would. These would include almost all would-be business matters, and you may want the neighbors to know that you are lawyers when you politely point out that the extension they are building is on your property.

However, social writing paper does not have a joint name, because only one person can write a letter, however, many regards from the other person are mentioned. A business letterhead should not be confused with social paper, which is marked by the name, monogram or initials of the writer.

So you are probably talking about cards that would be used for invitations and enclosures with presents. Those go to friends, and reminding them that you are lawyers seems not just pretentious but ominous.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I moved to France six months ago for my job, and, for the most part, the experience has been wonderful. I have fallen in love with the French way of life. But one part of their system of etiquette has bothered me since I came here: the kiss "hello" and "goodbye."

I feel it is absolutely disgusting, a waste of time (as one must do it with every person that walks into a room), and a deep violation of my personal space, especially when I run into people that I don't like. I have told the Americans that I know here that I don't like it, and most of them respect that, but one always leans in for it, and does not stop pestering me until I do it.

Do I have the right as a foreigner to say that I don't like this specific part of their culture? If I do, how do I tell people that I don't want to do it, before they even lean in for it (I often have to kiss people "hello" that I have never met before, and I'm constantly meeting new people) without starting a culture war? I've tried pretending to be sick, but I cannot use that continually. Should I just tough it out?

GENTLE READER: You certainly should refrain from criticizing it as a part of French culture. This would be not only rude, but laughable, since the custom has long since spread to many parts of the United States.

Mind you, Miss Manners more or less shares your feeling about this. She does not go so far as to think social kissing disgusting and a deep violation, but she does think it silly and undignified. Dropping formality to pretend that everyone is on instantly lovey terms with everyone else, even strangers, strikes her as childish.

Wait -- isn't that what the French have always said about American manners? And don't they react with horror at the idea of American informality spreading to France?

All right, payback time. If you promise to do it with politeness and humor, Miss Manners will allow you to lie in wait for just such a complaint and then trot out the kissy-poo example.

In the meantime, she hopes you will not make an issue of it with people who are only following the prevailing convention. However, you are at liberty to minimize the effect by positioning your leaning at a parallel 4-inch distance from the face of your greeter. The classic version of this custom is air-kissing, not facial smooching.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who constantly refers to herself in the third person, i.e., ?"Jenny never eats red meat," or "Jenny loves to go to the movies!" What is the best way to deal with this wholly annoying habit?

GENTLE READER: How would Miss Manners know?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a patent attorney and when we submit our material to the Patent Office, we frequently write "Sir:" and ?then continue with the documentation.

However, ?clearly a problem arises in responding to the female patent examiners. Obviously I do not know the marital ?status of the patent examiners, so my question is how do I address the unnamed patent examiner, especially ?when I can gauge by experience level that they are likely older?

I believe that "Miss" seems far too ?informal for what is a very formal document and ?inappropriate for the fact that a number of the female ?examiners with experience are older women. "Ma'am" sounds too old-fashioned and doesn't look appropriate ?for formal communication. I believe "Madam" really ?should only be used if I am certain as to marital ?status. Any help with this situation would be ?appreciated.

GENTLE READER: Congratulations on inventing your own dictionary of definitions. Only you are unlikely to be successful by forcing your own beliefs on ones that already have conventional definitions in general circulation.

"Madam" is simply the female equivalent of "Sir. " The contraction "Ma'am" is for use in spoken address only, as is "Miss," which is only used to get the attention of someone who isn't looking, such as a waitress or a pedestrian about to walk into traffic.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How quickly should one respond to personal e-mail?

I seem to remember a snail-mail rule that one was supposed to have a reply ready for the next post. Does a similar guideline exist in netiquette?

I'm asking because I have a list of several dozen far-flung friends to whom I send a group e-mail every week or so. I do this not only to let them know what my wife and I are up to but also to stimulate some sort of reply so I can keep up with them. Alas, relatively few respond. In fact, the biggest response came when I was sick recently and could barely lift my head, let alone dash off a witty communique. The brief absence of e-mail prompted several folks to write in, saying they missed my missives.

I suppose it's nice to be missed, but I'd rather receive the e-mail. I should hasten to point out that I respond swiftly to personal and work-related e-mails.

GENTLE READER: Charming as it is to compare your correspondence with the old custom of friends' regularly exchanging letters, Miss Manners is unconvinced. What you are doing is sending out a mass newsletter to people who have not shown interest in entering into a regular exchange.

They seem pleased enough to receive it, and Miss Manners does not mean to discourage you from continuing. But its being a hobby of yours does not require them to make it a hobby of theirs. You might try sending individualized letters that don't just report your activities but show interest in the particular life and interests of each potential correspondent separately to see if you can get a true exchange going. But not a weekly one. Invitations require immediate answers and duty letters must be timely, but it was never the case that chatty letters had to be answered by the very next post.

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