DEAR MISS MANNERS: In a situation where a husband has had an affair, and this has become known to the wife, and the husband and wife have decided together to discontinue the affair and continue with the marriage -- who else may know of the affair, if anyone?

May the wife confide in her closest friends, or is this asking for trouble of the endless "Why do you stay with him?" kind?

It seems very grim to weather such a storm without anyone to confide in --but it also seems risky. And the couple's parents? It seems very hard for the wife to have to continue hearing from her mother-in-law what a prize she has, under these circumstances, but neither does it seem right to reveal such private marital details.

If no one may know except the people directly involved, what do you think is the best way for the wife to explain to her friends why she seems "so weird lately"?

GENTLE READER: "Stress." That's what everyone else cites as an excuse for strange -- even rude -- behavior, so it doesn't fan much curiosity. "I'll be all right; I don't feel like talking about it right now" is usually enough to quell the probing.

But this is far from solving the problem. There is an urgent need for a sympathetic ear, but Miss Manners has to confirm your realization that this rarely, if ever, comes without a price. Even the closest partisans will weigh in with advice and will show their distaste to the husband long after the couple may have put the episode behind them. Furthermore, they may unburden themselves to confidantes of their own, and the story will soon be all over town.

Ethical professional counselors will not do that, but one can hardly expect them to refrain from giving advice, which is what people go to them to get. Also, they tend to assume that the fault must not be all on one side, putting the faithful partner in the unpleasant position of sharing some blame.

So, yes -- it is harsh not to be able to talk about this but risky to do so.

One confidence you ought to make is to the person who already knows -- your husband. Miss Manners suggests that you confide what it is that you may be driven to reply unless he persuades his mother to stop telling you how lucky you are.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It drives me nuts when on the phone the person I'm speaking with will say, "Well, I'll let you go."

Does that mean I have permission to hang up? Shouldn't hanging up the phone be a mutual thing and not something requiring permission from one to the other? Or am I the one who is irritating by this bothering me?

GENTLE READER: Probably not, but Miss Manners would like to convince you that it is a useful new-ish convention. It implies that the other person's time is more valuable than one's own. And it beats the sign-off of "I think I hear my mother calling me."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a person who was in Congress from 1981 to 1993 and has been out of office since then, who has decided to run for Congress this year in hopes of returning.

1. As voters, if we get the opportunity to speak with him, is the proper way to address him "Congressman Lastname" or "Mr. Lastname"?

2. In his campaign ads, is it proper for the ad narrator to say, for example, that "Congressman Firstname Lastname is a good man," or should he by the rules of etiquette be required say, "FirstName LastName is a good man"?

3. Is it proper for various pages on his campaign's Web site to refer to him as "Congressman FirstName LastName"?

I believe that the rules of etiquette when applied to former presidents ?allow a person to address him (someday her?) as "President Lastname," and may allow an ad narrator to refer to him as "President Firstname Lastname," but I have the impression that the rules for a former congressperson, or anyone who hasn't been president, may be different. I also wonder if the passage of 13 years since the person in question ?has been in office alters the answer in any way.

GENTLE READER: You're not running against him, are you? Because then Miss Manners would be extra careful about reminding you to address him respectfully, even as you attempt to make it clear that he is wrong on every possible issue.

But, as you have noticed, that is not easy. The official protocol is clear but is rarely observed. This may be because nobody except Miss Manners remembers it, or because people feel it is not respectful enough, or because they feel it is too respectful.

For starters, "Congressman" is not a title; if it were, it would have to include senators, who are also members of the U.S. Congress. The correct title is "Representative of" with the state. But although these officials should be addressed in writing as "The Honorable," a title that stays with them through life regardless of their behavior, the direct address should be simply Mr. or Ms. with the surname.

But, as you know, it isn't. The terms "Congressman" and "Congresswoman" sprang up to save our officials from the political sin of modesty. And since former senators are forever styled senator, the other members of Congress may as well be. Only holders of unique titles, such as President of the United States, are supposed to surrender them on leaving office. Former presidents Truman and Eisenhower gracefully assumed the last multiple titles they had held, Senator and General respectively. But now we have a number of people styled "President." Aside from the violation of American protocol, Miss Manners would have thought that the people in question would feel confident enough that everyone already knew who they were, and they would not have to trumpet it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper response to a party guest who asks the host "Hey, where's so-and-so (a friend of the guest who was not invited)?"

GENTLE READER: "He's not here. Would you like me to freshen your drink?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Certain events in our lives such as surgeries and graduations warrant acknowledgement through written correspondence by friends, and I've been through both. But what is the proper response to someone who, long after the event, sees me and says, "Oh, how are you doing? I meant to send you a get well card" or "Congratulations! I meant to send you a graduation card." In the past I've replied, "Thank you for thinking of me."

Along these lines, I've sent gifts across the country to have the recipients tell me on the phone, "I need to send you a thank you note." As I know she should send a note and am stunned by the rudeness of the remark, how can I reply to this?

GENTLE READER: Ah, yes, the attempt to make the word -- and a belated word at that -- substitute for the deed. Miss Manners does not care for the notion that knowing what should be done cancels the need to do it.

She likes your reaction to unsent letters. "Thank you for thinking of me" carries the implication that the thought didn't last, and is subtle enough to be polite. When it is phrased as "I need to send you ..." you may go a step further and reply, "I look forward to reading it."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an accommodating person, and my friends and long-time acquaintances have grown accustomed to my inability to refuse requests for favors. However, I have recently moved to a new town and am meeting new people. Can you suggest a polite way to decline to do a favor now that I have an opportunity to start afresh?

Recently, a co-worker needed me to cover for her for an evening class I assist her with. It was my husband's birthday and I had promised that we would not allow anything to intrude on our plans. To that end, I had mentioned weeks beforehand that I would not be available that evening and the day before specifically stated that I would not be present. The co-worker called with an emergency request for me to cover for her at 3:30 of the day in question. Despite my repeated statements that I was not available, could not cover for her this time and suggestions that she avail herself of the available substitute teachers, she continued to ask me to take over.

I finally said no again and excused myself. Now she is angry with me. How does one say no to this type of request without angering the other person? Is there a way to phrase the refusal that is both polite and yet unmistakably firm?

GENTLE READER: Your generosity is apparent in your worry that people who want to take advantage of you may become angry when you refuse to let them. Shouldn't you be angry at this co-worker who, with ample warning about your schedule, attempted to bully you into dropping your plans for her convenience?

Miss Manners has no wish to discourage generosity, much less to turn it into anger. But if you are rattled by emotional blackmail, such as you described, you will find yourself back in the position of doing whatever others ask. She hopes you will learn to regard those surly responses as yet another unwarranted, not to mention rude, attempt to take advantage of your good nature.

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