DEAR MISS MANNERS: While attending a formal dinner hosted by my boss at his home, I may have committed a faux pas while attempting to avoid one. My sainted mother taught me that manners are to make other people comfortable and to take my cue from the host or hostess when attending events, as well as not pointing out the failings of others.

At the table, the place settings were set with three forks for three courses. When the second course was served, my boss began using the "wrong" fork. Recalling mother's teachings, I followed suit so as not to cause any embarrassment or unease for the host, especially as he was seated immediately to my left. The gentlewoman seated to the right of me gently kicked my leg and whispered that I was using the wrong fork.

It was a difficult moment being caught between using the correct fork to ease her concerns and using the fork as dictated by the host so as to avoid any embarrassment to him. Because it appeared the guest was more concerned about it than the host appeared to be, I chose to use the correct fork and thanked her.

Should I have ignored the host's use of silverware from the beginning to avoid the subsequent problems of kicking and whispering? Or should I have persevered in my use of the fork as dictated by the host?

Alas, there was no hostess who might have broken the deadlock. What does the well-meaning person do when caught in a situation where proper manners may also cause discomfort?

GENTLE READER: What a ghastly dinner party this must have been, with all of you monitoring one another's eating habits. Didn't anyone at the table know how to make conversation?

Miss Manners realizes that people think she lives for opportunities to humiliate someone for the crime that so rattled you and the other guest. It must therefore come as a shock to hear that at dinner parties, she looks into the faces of other guests, not into their plates.

Your well-meant gesture was silly because it assumes that your boss does not know enough about flatware to set his own table correctly, and yet was watching what you did and would have been mortified if your choice of forks was different from his. That would have been a strange combination of ignorance and vigilance.

Of course, you had an example of that in the guest who was checking up on you. As your sainted mother would have understood, that was the greatest rudeness committed at that meal.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A co-worker has confided in me (and many others) that she is having an affair with a man "who has not yet left his wife." Most people are disgusted, but she seems blissfully unaware. I wish to be nonjudgmental, but I can't tell her this is a good thing. I want to scream that she is a fool and he is scum, but I realize Miss Manners would probably disapprove. I'm tempted to say nothing and just do the eye roll.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners even disapproves of the eye roll. She doesn't mind your being judgmental, which that most certainly is, but she minds its being expressed rudely. The polite way to show disapproval is to say gently, "I really would rather not hear about it."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Retaining a father's (ex-husband's) last name for the sake of convenience where the children are concerned seems to be a reasonable/rational enough action. But my experience with this is somewhat different.

My husband's ex-wife resumed her maiden name at the time of her divorce. I am not aware of any difficulties or confusions with the situation of she and her son having different last names. She appeared comfortable, even proud of her decision, even announcing her identify change with vanity plates spelling out her maiden name.

She then remarried and then assumed her new husband's last name. When this second marriage ended in divorce, she decided to revert back and reassume my husband's (and consequently my) last name. He believes that this is a natural course of action, but I disagree. What are your thoughts on this?

GENTLE READER: That what your husband means by "natural" is that this is not worth starting a battle with the mother of his child. Miss Manners' guess is that this still has to do with using the child's surname, even belatedly, rather than with resuming the connection with a gentleman who is now married to someone else.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two friends plan on meeting for dinner. Which of the following two people is ill-mannered?

One friend arrives at the scheduled time, relaxing at the restaurant as she awaits the other.

She realizes that she has forgotten to bring her cell phone, much less turn it on, in case her friend is trying to reach her. She tends only to use her cell phones in emergencies and so doesn't think about it often. She figures that it's no big deal -- her friend must be running late.

The other friend, a regular cell phone user, is running 10 to 15 minutes late and is very anxious about letting her friend know this. She leaves a message to that effect: "It's five minutes to, and I'm running a bit late, will be there soon" and is very frustrated at not being able to get through on her friend's cell phone. She arrives, apologizes for being late, and then chides her friend soundly for not having the courtesy to turn her cell phone on (or have it with her). Both friends start the evening feeling irritated by the exchange.

In a cell phone world, who should take responsibility for this situation? Is it the first friend's responsibility to be available by cell phone (in case her friend is running late) and is it appropriate that she be shamed for not doing so? Is it the second friend's responsibility to try to be on time and then apologize if not able, taking all the responsibility for the situation?

GENTLE READER: Just a guess, but you got to the restaurant first, didn't you? Then you will be pleased to hear that Miss Manners not only sides with you but can bolster your argument.

Cellular telephones may often be convenient, but they are not compulsory. Keeping it off in a restaurant, so as not to disturb the other diners, is.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have been invited to a noon wedding in April. The invitation states that dress is "strictly formal." For a noon wedding, what does that mean? Please describe the type of clothing each of us should wear.

GENTLE READER: The highest daytime formality would mean your husband should wear a cutaway coat, striped pants, and top hat for him and you a soft pastel dress or dressmaker suit and hat. But Miss Manners does not advise this without checking with your hosts. You would be all right, but he would feel ridiculous if he found himself more dressed than the bridegroom and almost certainly more than the other guests.

That "strictly," which is too harsh to be put on an invitation, suggests that those who issued the invitation are desperate to make sure their guests don't show up in jogging clothes. Miss Manners' guess is that it means they want you to wear a dress and your husband to wear a suit and tie.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am living with my girlfriend, who I have been dating for about three years (on and off). Recently she has developed a very bad personal habit.

I am close to my mother. Some would call me a mamma's boy, but I do not see her as the paragon of perfection. I am aware of her peccadilloes and have at times become frustrated with her. Nevertheless, she's my mom.

I made the mistake of sharing some of my frustrations concerning my mother with my girlfriend. A healthy relationship does thrive on communication, right? But this seems to have backfired on me. If my girlfriend is present when my mother calls, my girlfriend makes rude comments about my mother. She makes them loudly enough that I'm certain she intends my mother to hear them. These comments have included, "What does that (woman) want?" and "Tell her to quit calling here." The last one is especially ironic because my mother calls my cell phone and not the house line.

I'm sure you can understand that this is unacceptable behavior, and I feel that it is a betrayal of my trust. My girlfriend says she resents my mother for "what she did to (me)" and sees nothing wrong with her behavior.

I'm not sure what to do. I wasn't aware of the depth of my girlfriend's tactlessness until this. I'm not even sure I can be with someone who shows so little decorum. Is it possible to teach a 26-year-old woman to behave around my mother?

GENTLE READER: Let us hope so. Life is not going to get any more pleasant with someone who defends you by making trouble with your mother and ignores your protests.

Many people confuse the respect that comes of admiration with the basic respect due to human beings as such, and especially due to older people and to family members. Beyond that, your friend seems to believe that a lack of admiration gives her the right to be rude, that she, not you, decides what is proper treatment for your mother and, to top it all, that your unhappiness with this does not count.

By that reasoning, she would have to admit that your mother would, in turn, be entitled to be rude to her. After all, she is treating you badly, and your mother does not seem to admire her.

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