DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have been invited to a noon wedding in April. The invitation states that dress is "strictly formal." For a noon wedding, what does that mean? Please describe the type of clothing each of us should wear.

GENTLE READER: The highest daytime formality would mean your husband should wear a cutaway coat, striped pants, and top hat for him and you a soft pastel dress or dressmaker suit and hat. But Miss Manners does not advise this without checking with your hosts. You would be all right, but he would feel ridiculous if he found himself more dressed than the bridegroom and almost certainly more than the other guests.

That "strictly," which is too harsh to be put on an invitation, suggests that those who issued the invitation are desperate to make sure their guests don't show up in jogging clothes. Miss Manners' guess is that it means they want you to wear a dress and your husband to wear a suit and tie.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am living with my girlfriend, who I have been dating for about three years (on and off). Recently she has developed a very bad personal habit.

I am close to my mother. Some would call me a mamma's boy, but I do not see her as the paragon of perfection. I am aware of her peccadilloes and have at times become frustrated with her. Nevertheless, she's my mom.

I made the mistake of sharing some of my frustrations concerning my mother with my girlfriend. A healthy relationship does thrive on communication, right? But this seems to have backfired on me. If my girlfriend is present when my mother calls, my girlfriend makes rude comments about my mother. She makes them loudly enough that I'm certain she intends my mother to hear them. These comments have included, "What does that (woman) want?" and "Tell her to quit calling here." The last one is especially ironic because my mother calls my cell phone and not the house line.

I'm sure you can understand that this is unacceptable behavior, and I feel that it is a betrayal of my trust. My girlfriend says she resents my mother for "what she did to (me)" and sees nothing wrong with her behavior.

I'm not sure what to do. I wasn't aware of the depth of my girlfriend's tactlessness until this. I'm not even sure I can be with someone who shows so little decorum. Is it possible to teach a 26-year-old woman to behave around my mother?

GENTLE READER: Let us hope so. Life is not going to get any more pleasant with someone who defends you by making trouble with your mother and ignores your protests.

Many people confuse the respect that comes of admiration with the basic respect due to human beings as such, and especially due to older people and to family members. Beyond that, your friend seems to believe that a lack of admiration gives her the right to be rude, that she, not you, decides what is proper treatment for your mother and, to top it all, that your unhappiness with this does not count.

By that reasoning, she would have to admit that your mother would, in turn, be entitled to be rude to her. After all, she is treating you badly, and your mother does not seem to admire her.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have eight male law partners. At least once a week some or all of us go out for lunch or a drink after work. We have at least two scheduled partner retreats a year during which we go out of town to meet and work on business plans. This has never been a problem in the past even though I am not married and seven of the eight others are.

Now we have welcomed a new partner into our group, and his wife, without coming right out and saying so, has made it very clear that she resents my presence at the otherwise "all male" outings. Should I try to smooth over this situation or leave it to the husband and wife to sort it out on their own?

GENTLE READER: That the wife is insulting your new partner by insinuating that he cannot be trusted not to go after you is not your business. That she is insulting you by insinuating that you might go after him is.

Miss Manners suggests smoking this out by remarking regretfully to him that his wife does not seem to like you, and that you hope you did not inadvertently offend her. If he is as smart as you must have thought when taking him in as a partner, he will deny this and go home and tell her to behave herself. Should he be so foolish as to admit her jealousy, he needs an orientation talk about the cordial professionalism that is expected of everyone at the firm and, by extension, anyone a partner may bring to a firm event. You may want to ask one of the most senior partners to deliver this.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have never expected bereaved persons to reply to sympathy or condolence cards, thinking that this would be an unnecessary social burden at a sad time. Now, however, having recently become bereaved myself, and the recipient of many cards and flowers, I find myself wanting to thank all these nice people. I'm sure it's never wrong to say thank you, but what is the general expectation?

GENTLE READER: That you write letters thanking each person who has taken the trouble to write to you. Printed cards with only a signature are not in that category, but, as you surmise, it is not wrong to give thanks even for that perfunctory gesture.

Miss Manners commends you for arriving at this conclusion anyway, and letting it override what you describe as the burden of acknowledging condolences. She considers that a dangerous excuse. Ignoring your well wishers leads to loneliness later -- not because they are annoyed, but because they are left with the feeling that you want to be left alone. Besides, it is a duty one owes to the deceased to acknowledge those who cared about him and to offer them the comfort of confirming that their feelings were reciprocated and to recognize that they, too, feel a loss.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was divorced three years ago, and my children's mother asked that I take photos of my son before he went to the homecoming dance. I took the pictures, as requested, and e-mailed them to her.

Some of the photos that I e-mailed included both my son and my new stepdaughter. About a day later, I got back a response that said, "Very nice picture of Emmet. I did ask for pictures of Emmet, not Emmet and Angela. Try to redirect your passive-aggressive guilt-ridden behaviors somewhere else."

I would prefer to avoid receiving insults thinly disguised as psychological diagnoses. Is there any response that you can suggest? I don't want to return rudeness with rudeness, as I must maintain contact with my son's mother for at least another three years.

GENTLE READER: How about, "Oops, sorry, the pictures were all together, and I only meant to send you the ones of Emmet"?

Miss Manners hopes you do not consider this too tame. Whatever else may have occurred to you is bound to be rude or pseudo-analytic. Even an apology can be taken for sarcasm by someone determined to be insulted, but true passive-aggressive politeness is hard to counter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As the years go by, I find myself an older woman in an interesting, varied workplace that consists mostly of men, many of them quite young. Sometimes someone will utter a four-letter word and then apologize to me. He's trying to be polite.

I'm not shocked or offended (not after being married to my husband for 16 years). I just want to be polite too, but I have trouble finding the right thing to say. "That's all right" doesn't seem to fit. At present I give a slight smile and a nod of the head, and feel awkward. Maybe I'd do better to act as if someone had burped and said, "Excuse me" (burp is a four-letter word, after all), and pretend that no such sound ever entered my shell-like ear. Can you help me find a good formula for response?

Oh, yes, another question -- when I lose my cool and utter a four-letter word or two myself, should I offer a similar apology to the men around me?

GENTLE READER: Oh, yes, and Miss Manners has a question for you: Why are you contributing to the dirty-word index?

You may argue that you are not contributing much, only an occasional slip. What disturbs her more is that by brushing it off, you are helping to normalize cursing.

She is not asking you to make a scene, nor to police your colleagues; both would be rude. She is not even asking you to make the point that swearing is worse in front of ladies. Gender distinctions do not belong in the office, but neither does swearing.

She is merely asking you to acknowledge the transgression by saying "Thank you" for the apology.

: