DEAR MISS MANNERS: While I was visiting with a friend, our children were playing together and my daughter became aggressive toward my friend's son, stealing the toy he was playing with from his hands.

I insisted that she return the toy. She did, but then immediately stole it again. I insisted she return it again, made her apologize and sent her to play by herself in another room for a few minutes, until she could be more civilized.

My friend immediately launched into a lecture, dismissing the practice of forcing children to apologize, telling me that it encourages children to develop a false sincerity and teaches them that they can get out of any troublesome situation simply by muttering "sorry."

I don't agree. As I see it, the apology is not the punishment, but a courtesy I would like my daughter to learn to use when she has wronged someone, regardless of how she feels about it.

I listened to my friend's argument without commenting or arguing. She went on to add that while some people force apologies and give time-outs, those methods are ineffective. After all, she has never used them with her boys, the apparent implication being that they are angelic and obedient.

The entire discussion was carried out in the abstract, but I was painfully aware that I was being reprimanded for the way I corrected my child's behavior and I felt belittled and insulted by the implication that her children were more obedient than mine because she is the superior mother. I politely ended the afternoon early and went home, but I would have liked to communicate more directly that I am quite satisfied with my parenting techniques, which seem to work for my child, and that I don't appreciate her attempts to proselytize.

Can you give me some advice about how to do that without opening a debate on the merits of forcing apologies or giving time-outs and without creating an even more awkward or tense situation?

GENTLE READER: You are expecting her to apologize, aren't you?

Oh, yes you are. There could be no other resolution to your complaint that would satisfy you, and she is not going to do it.

Miss Manners urges you to let it go, perhaps re-evaluating your friendship with someone who is not only rude in criticizing you, but who condemns the very notion of behaving well toward others. Should her son follow her advice, consulting only his own feelings and not troubling to assuage any pain he might cause others, let us hope that he does not get into serious trouble. Judges and juries put a heavy weight on the show of remorse when they determine sentences.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in a bind over an invitation to the wedding of two friends of mine. I met the bride and groom at the same party, therefore I know both of them equally and for the same amount of time. When I go to the wedding and am asked on which side I would like to sit, what side should I choose?

GENTLE READER: The side with fewer people on it. It's a wedding, not a soccer game with fans rooting for opposing sides. Miss Manners assures you that the custom of separating the guests is only loosely observed. It is within each side that strict separations are needed for those still smarting from divorces.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a single woman without children. Two years ago, I was very upset because I had just broken off a relationship of two years that I thought was headed for marriage.

Shortly after that, I turned 38 and as a birthday present, my sister (who is married with four kids) gave me a picture frame that said "family." I was offended but didn't tell her anything and exchanged the frame for something else.

This year, I am still single and turned 40. For my birthday, my sister gave me a picture frame that says: "Love is what binds us together... FAMILY." Upon unwrapping this gift, my reaction was to ask, "What picture am I going to put in it?"

I know my sister means well in giving me these gifts but I find them offensive. Is it just me? Am I overly sensitive? Should I just continue to be quiet and gracious about it?

GENTLE READER: You do have a family. You just told Miss Manners that you have a sister and a brother-in-law and four nieces and/or nephews.

Of course, if your sister has a history of cruelty, and you really believe that she is trying to taunt you by making you look at empty frames to emphasize your lack of a husband and children, she might not inspire warm family feelings. But is it not remotely possible that this is her way of reminding you that she and her brood are your family and that they love you?

You can test this out by asking for a picture of them to put in the frame. If your sister seems pleased, then yes, you were being overly sensitive. If she chuckles and says that's not what the frame is for, Miss Manners will concede and allow you to add to your thanks that you will put it away in case you ever need it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My neighbor's daughter sent me a college graduation announcement. In fact, I am pretty sure she sent one to half of the block.

To be honest with you, we have only lived in our house for four years and she was away at college most of the time. We have interacted about five times and she has never been anything but rude.

Are we expected to send a gift/check because she sent an announcement? I think that would be rather presumptuous of her. Are announcements just announcements? Or is something expected in return?

GENTLE READER: Whether the presumptions you and the neighbors are making about each other -- yours that they are trolling for presents and perhaps theirs that you have to comply -- are correct or not, Miss Manners cannot say. But your presumption about the etiquette of the situation is incorrect. An announcement is just an announcement. It is not a bill. The something that should be made in return is a note of congratulations.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I have two sons and five grandchildren. We will have our 50th wedding anniversary this year. Do we plan our 50th party or do our children plan a party? Is it supposed to be (if they plan it) a surprise party? As of today, not one word has been mentioned about it. My wife and I have talked about it, and have decided we would not say anything about this being our 50th year. Wait and see if they think of it.

What should we do? Remind them? Plan it ourselves? Or just the two of us (if we don't hear anything) take a cruise by ourselves and say nothing to anybody?

GENTLE READER: And there you will be, lounging in your deck chairs, gazing at the sparkling water, perhaps reaching over to take each other's hands, and reflecting on the years you have shared and the betrayal of your children and grandchildren.

Mind you, Miss Manners would not consider it a betrayal. As charming as it may be to throw parents an anniversary party, it is not an absolute duty. There could be reasons besides forgetfulness or callousness for their not doing so -- practical reasons or even the mistaken belief that this is not what you would most enjoy.

If there is one thing you should have learned in 50 years of marriage, it is not to set up secret tests for those you love. You only succeed in bewildering and embittering them when they unknowingly fail and you go into a funk.

If you and your wife would like to have a party, throw a party. If you want to go on a cruise, do so. But whatever you do, tell your children. You can even say, "We're giving ourselves a party, and it would be wonderful if you could come, and maybe co-host it with us if you'd like."

It would not be a tragedy if they then complained that you've spoiled their surprise. If they say that in spite of not having yet thought about your anniversary, Miss Manners will congratulate you on having bright children.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to greet a former lover, when the reason he is "former" is because he dropped me for someone new? We will run into each other again, most likely in front of mutual friends who will undoubtedly be watching for any actions on my part as the spurned lover.

GENTLE READER: Is Miss Manners correct in thinking that you would like to disappoint them? Then she can offer you a tremendous incentive for being gracious, even effusive toward both the former and the someone new.

It is that onlookers will conclude that if you did not actually dump him, you were at least relieved to have someone take him off your hands, and can't help feeling grateful to them both for your release. However, if you are snippy, they will all think, "Poor thing, she is still bitter." Which impression would you rather leave?

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