DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our wonderful little church schedules a time during the Sunday service when worshipers may request that the congregation pray for a joy or concern they have.

This is written on a note card that is handed to the minister who then reads it to the congregation. Alternatively, the person may choose to talk about the joy or concern and, in that case, is recognized by being passed a hand-held microphone so everyone may hear the prayer request.

The microphone seems to be attracting quite a few people who use this opportunity for what they consider an amusing comment before they share the "joy" of a new car purchase, or "concern" for their alma mater's football team's losing streak.

I know there are others as uncomfortable as I am listening to some of these requests, especially when another member of the congregation may have just asked for prayers for a friend battling an addiction, or a colleague who has lost a spouse, or the safe return of a son serving in Iraq.

I'm a member of the church's lay governing body. How can I help encourage sharing and discourage the "performers" who seem to be attracted by a microphone and a captive audience?

GENTLE READER: First, stop handing out that microphone to known jokers and people whose written requests are frivolous. This is called removing temptation.

But before someone begins arguing for openness and spontaneity of expression, Miss Manners urges you to put some deeper questions before the governing body and, especially, your minister. She can only tell you that it is indeed rude to mix the silly with the serious, even socially. If you heard someone mention fear about a relative in danger, would you follow it up with, "Too bad, but you'll be happy to hear that I just bought a car"?

Your minister will have to decide what subjects he thinks fit for the congregation's prayers. If he finds some of the requests unsuitable, he could put them aside for a moment of fellowship where people could share their news. He might also consider a sermon about what is important in life. If he wants to use all requests, he can at least group them to avoid the jarring juxtaposition of those who fear losing games and those who fear losing lives.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do I do with this harpoon? I went to a fancy restaurant and they gave me a glass of water and said, "Do you want lemon with that?" and I said "Yes," and they carried out a lemon wedge on a plate. The wedge was impaled on a little yellow harpoon, a sort of long plastic toothpick with an arrow at the end.

Do I drop it in the water with the lemon? Balance it across my glass so the lemon is held a little out of the water? Yell "Thar she blows!" and hurl it at my neighbor?

GENTLE READER: What? No lemon forks? And not even any of those little silver clamps?

Not that this would make the procedure any different, Miss Manners is afraid; just prettier. You hold the lemon over the glass with whatever tool is supplied, and press the juice into the glass. You may take home the harpoon (but not the silver) and use it to pin a note saying, "We do not throw harpoons at the neighbors."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who is always commenting on how I sound. During our phone conversations, she might say, "You sound good" (if I have enthusiasm in my voice), or "You sound tired" or "You sound down today."

My internal reaction is always to feel judged, evaluated, scrutinized, though I never convey this. I respond pleasantly, but wish I could communicate that her seeming expression of interest in me rather conveys some sort of distance, like she is sitting in judgment. What would feel far more respectful and gracious is to be asked a question. To me, it makes a world of difference if someone says, "Are you tired today?" versus "You sound tired."

What I tend to do when speaking with her is to be very self-conscious, and to force my voice tone to sound enthusiastic, regardless of how I might be really feeling. This tends to minimize further evaluative statements from her, though it leaves me feeling that the friendship is rather shallow and insincere.

Am I nitpicking here and ultra-sensitive? Or are reactions like this common? I should add that the reason I haven't expressed my true feelings is that I'm certain she would feel insulted, hurt and angry -- and that it would seriously compromise the friendship.

GENTLE READER: Yes, it is common to feel annoyed at this awkward gambit, and yes, you are being overly sensitive. Miss Manners observes that you have overanalyzed a merely ill-chosen manner of expression until you have turned it into something close to insult.

Your friend's intention is not to judge you, but to show you that she is sensitive to your moods. It is annoying when she guesses wrong because it demonstrates that she isn't. It is annoying when she guesses right, because it suggests that your demeanor gives everything away.

Most annoying of all is to tell people that they sound or look tired. However they seemed, they are worse after hearing that statement.

The phrase you need is "on the contrary." If told you look tired, it would be, "On the contrary, I feel marvelous." If told you sound good, it might be, "On the contrary, I'm rather preoccupied." After a barrage of such defeats, your friend may have the sense to give up and wait to be told how you feel by the only person who knows for sure.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Plain and simple: My fiance's mother is remarried to a man who has two adult daughters (both in their 20s). My fiance and I barely know them. Sometimes, we can't even remember which one is which!

My fiance's mother INSISTS that we invite both of them, along with their significant others that we REALLY don't know, to our wedding. We were not planning on inviting them, but now that his mother has said something, do we invite them because it's the "right" thing to do or do we stick to our guns about only inviting people that are special to us to our wedding?

GENTLE READER: Stick to guns that you are pointing at relatives to prevent them from trespassing on your private territory?

Miss Manners hopes not. Plain and simple, weddings are not about the bridal couples to the exclusion of the feelings of others. As proud as you may be of not being able to tell your fiance's stepsisters apart, they are in his mother's family. And she is in his, and about to be in yours.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have always been taught that when attending a shower, if you win a prize playing a game, this prize is to be given to the person for whom the shower is given. Yes or no?

GENTLE READER: No. You do such a person dishonor by assuming that she would want to have the rules of consideration toward guests and of fair play suspended on her behalf.

Miss Manners considers that the best way to handle this peculiar notion is for anyone who might countenance it to postpone those shower-prompting events, marriage and childbirth, until she has outgrown petty selfishness.

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