DEAR MISS MANNERS: If you know someone is home and have an appointment with them, but they don't answer after the first knock or doorbell ring, do you knock again? How long do you wait before you knock or ring the doorbell again?

GENTLE READER: You are allowed three rings separated by two knocks, all far enough apart to allow someone to -- well, to wash up, not to put too fine a point on it. No throwing pebbles at the windows. Miss Manners suggests using the waiting time to get out your organizer to check the date and find a telephone number with which to rouse your host.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: How much can manners be disregarded when eating alone at home? Can the soup dish be tilted, can a dish be scraped, can the fingers be used under circumstances that would be deplored in public? Does any of these things really matter?

GENTLE READER: No, they don't matter when you eat at home alone. Go hog wild. Use your hands. Use your feet. Smear your food over your face. Etiquette has to do with behavior that affects other people, and when there is no one around to be affected, you are, so to speak, home free. The only reason Miss Manners can imagine for your using manners under those circumstances would be self-respect.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work as a public librarian and one of the greatest sources of satisfaction in my job is being able to help people find the information they need. I do my very best every day to deliver exemplary public service to all who visit the library, and pride myself on being accurate, fair and polite. Almost every interaction I have with the public has a positive outcome for both parties involved.

However, I have had some people sitting in front of the public computers snap their fingers to bring me over to where they are, or loudly call out "Hey, come 'ere!" expecting my instant response while not bothering to get up from their chair. While it is indeed my job to assist the person, this disrespectful type of behavior raises my hackles and just sets my teeth on edge.

I grudgingly go over and frostily assist the person when I really would like to tell them that their behavior has been personally insulting to me. I feel quite comfortable discussing proper social behavior with the children who visit the library, but am not sure how to speak to adults who exhibit these social insults.

Do you have any suggestions on how to politely respond to adults who have a difficult time distinguishing between a public servant and a personal servant?

GENTLE READER: No, because it is also despicable to treat personal servants rudely. But Miss Manners has plenty to say to people who bark out orders and snap their fingers at human beings as if they were dogs.

Or rather, she recommends not responding to such commands. Eventually, those who want help will have to get up to ask for it. If they complain, you can reasonably and politely say that you were so sorry not to respond, but that you had no idea that such gestures were meant for you, and would be glad to help if only the person would approach you and ask.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a very sweet friend but she's giving me a bit of a dilemma. Every time we part she says "I love you." I've been saying "I love you, too" but it's really starting to make me uncomfortable. I don't want to dampen our friendship in any way. Do you have any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: The dampening response to "I love you," as unrequited lovers can attest, is "Thank you" or "I'm flattered." It is intended to throw cold water on the relationship, and it works.

In this case, Miss Manners believes you are only dealing with an over-effusive habit of speech. Saying this will simply call your friend's attention to the embarrassment that is she causing you. Or it may prompt her to inquire if anything is wrong. Then you can reply, "Well, I love you, too, but it's not something I go around saying to friends."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a very passionate conservationist. At home, my husband and I recycle, compost and generally try to consume as few natural resources as possible.

Unfortunately, my (retired) in-laws, who live across the country in a small town, don't recycle, saying they "can't handle it." After bringing it up a couple of times, I have shut my mouth, but am very uncomfortable when we visit them, watching them throw away aluminum cans, newspapers, etc.

I have often considered quietly setting aside any recyclable waste that I am responsible for and taking it with me when the visit is over. (Where I would dispose of it, I'm not sure.) This would help me sit right with my beliefs. However, I'm sure it would offend my in-laws.

I have also requested educational, wooden gifts for my two young sons, but they insist on getting their grandchildren heaps of giant plastic toys (which are hard to carry home in our luggage). I imagine they are trying to show their love, but I also wonder if they are trying, on some level, to piss me off.

GENTLE READER: Instead of their being thankful that you are taking the trouble to retrain them in their old age in their own house?

Miss Manners finds it disheartening when people who are passionate about a particular virtue grant themselves license to violate other virtues. The virtue you are violating, respect for the sovereignty of others even if their decisions differ from yours, is a basic one.

Mothers-in-law who try to teach their daughters-in-law to keep house are notorious. Such interference is no more charming in the other direction.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last night my husband and I went out to dinner at a buffet-style restaurant. After finishing my dinner, I got up to retrieve my dessert. I approached the ice cream dispenser at the same time as a "gentleman." However, since I had already gotten a dessert bowl, I was ready to use the ice cream dispenser first.

This older "gentleman," who did not have a bowl yet, commented to me that I was butting in, and made other comments about punishments I deserved for my rude behavior.

Would good manners dictate that I should defer to the older gentleman, or should the older gentleman defer to me because I am a lady? The gentleman appeared in good health and was probably no more than 15 years older than myself. Regardless of the situation, which takes precedence, age or gender?

GENTLE READER: What do you suppose the chances are that someone who bawls out a stranger in an effort to push him out of the way is an etiquette expert?

Miss Manners can assure you that strict protocol gives precedence at the ice cream bar to the person who gets there first with bowl in hand and has already decided on a flavor.

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