DEAR MISS MANNERS: My question concerns the proper behavior or action a male should take in countering a physical female assault. My situation involves two repeated incidents that I'd prefer to stop, but don't know how.

There is this girl that always takes the cowboy hat off of my head whenever I see her. Either she'll run up behind me and steal it off my head, or she'll just snatch it away from me while we're talking. I do appreciate her company; however, I'd like to keep my hat on my head, and cease the need to repeatedly ask her for my hat back, over and over again, after denying her request to keep it, time and time again.

Dealing with this behavior male to male is easy enough; it's very easy to deflect or deter another guy from taking something from me, but I find it wrong to use physical force on a girl. Secondly, how do I deal with an actual physical assault from a girl? Girls that while giggling, poke, pinch, or slap me, even in the face! This is gratuitous! I can't retaliate in anger or frustration. I just have to deal with it and ask them to stop. What's a good way to get the message across without using physical force? It's the only way that seems to connect with some people.

GENTLE READER: If you are an elementary school pupil, Miss Manners wishes to compliment you on your sophistication. If you are any older, she will confine herself to pointing out your naivete.

The sophistication would be in realizing the idiocy of this method of flirtation. The naivete would be in assuming that anyone who resorts to such tactics is likely to be mature enough to be good company.

In fifth grade or afterward, this sort of thing only stops when it fails to produce a reaction. Unfortunately, pleading to stop is a reaction. You must simply look bored and put your hand out for your hat, or, in the case of the poking, move away.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently accepted a dinner invitation from a gentleman. During the course of dinner, I realized that we had nothing in common, even to the point of serious differences in basic outlooks on life. When he started telling me how I should dress, I ended the evening, and we went our separate ways. My intention was not to accept any future invitations, but I didn't verbalize that.

In the days since, he has left numerous messages on my answering machine, which I haven't returned. Am I obligated after one date to give an explanation of why I don't want to spend any more time with him?

GENTLE READER: As your very understandable objection to this gentleman was his criticizing you, why would you indulge in the same behavior? Contrary to popular opinion on the part of people who practice popular psychology, the refusal to enter into a romance does not, Miss Manners assures you, require an explanation.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been recently meeting a number of ladies through an Internet dating service. After a few e-mails back and forth it is usually suggested that we meet personally for a coffee, quick lunch, or bite to eat.

I have noticed that these ladies seem to be, how shall I say it, extremely slow in the race for the pocketbook when the check arrives.

Although these bites aren't going to send me to the poor house, is there a polite way of saying something on the order of, "It has been a pleasure to finally meet you in person but, since I barely know you, really, it sure would be nice if, instead of sitting there like a deer caught in the headlights, you would at least attempt to pay for your double half caf, quarter pounder with cheese, fettuccine alfredo, or whatever it was you've been wolfing down like a Dickensonian orphan for the past 45 minutes."

Or does one simply carry on in the hope that one day, in reaching for the bill fingertips will touch, gazes will lock, and the race will be over?

GENTLE READER: Over, in that you believe that a gentleman pays all the expenses for someone he has invited for a date? Or over, in that if true love leads to marriage, it won't make any difference who pays?

No longer is either a given. No matter how often Miss Manners points out that the decorous method is to take turns being the host (this had to be done coyly under the old system -- the lady offered a home-cooked meal or claimed to have been given theater tickets -- but it was done), some ladies insist on splitting every cost, while others never reciprocate. And some married couples never merge financially.

As if that weren't complicated enough, the event you describe, a meeting between strangers with the hope of romance, has no tradition. You regard it as a pre-courtship interview, whereas you attract ladies who regard it as a first date.

You can hardly demand payment, even if the interview is a failure. So Miss Manners advises you to cut your losses by offering only coffee. If the interview is a success, you will have opportunities to discover whether a lady has any hospitable impulses.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 18-year-old college student is pregnant. She is no longer dating the father and they have no plans to get married. She is due in March and a few people have asked me when the baby shower is.

I guess I didn't anticipate there being one. I have considered baby showers to be for married woman who are celebrating the birth of their first child. We are certainly celebrating this baby since he is coming, but we are not celebrating the circumstances of his birth. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That baby showers are intended to focus on the baby, not on the circumstances of the conception. But since showers should never be given by relatives of the honoree, Miss Manners assures you that you need not trouble yourself about the matter.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who will use the words "no offense," and then say something very offending. Something like, "No offense, I just don't like your cooking, I guess I'm just used to my own."

I thought that you were trying not to offend someone when you used those words.

She does this all the time, and I would like to know how I should handle it because now she's starting to offend my other friends.

GENTLE READER: Of course. That's what she has obtained your tacit permission to do. As the request comes in the same statement as the insult, you have to move in quickly to refuse.

Breaking in immediately to say, "I'm afraid I'm easily offended," may head off this unpleasant practice. If not, Miss Manners advises responding to the insult by saying sadly, "Indeed, I am offended."

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