DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who will use the words "no offense," and then say something very offending. Something like, "No offense, I just don't like your cooking, I guess I'm just used to my own."

I thought that you were trying not to offend someone when you used those words.

She does this all the time, and I would like to know how I should handle it because now she's starting to offend my other friends.

GENTLE READER: Of course. That's what she has obtained your tacit permission to do. As the request comes in the same statement as the insult, you have to move in quickly to refuse.

Breaking in immediately to say, "I'm afraid I'm easily offended," may head off this unpleasant practice. If not, Miss Manners advises responding to the insult by saying sadly, "Indeed, I am offended."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have had the fantastic luck to have inherited not one but two delicately beautiful china services and lovely sterling service from various relatives. I love to take these items out and share them with my friends and family when entertaining; I enjoy nothing more than to know that the beautiful things I have had the good fortune to come by are contributing to the pleasure of others in my home, and I like to think the continuing use of these heirlooms is a connection back to my family's history.

What would you recommend that I say when my guests protest? I'm always saddened but no longer surprised when someone looks at the table and says I shouldn't have used such fine place settings, that they're afraid they'll break something, or come up with a quip that sounds as though I should feel bad for forcing others to use fragile antiques.

Generally I try to deflect such conversations with something along the lines of my feeling that I value guests enough to put out my best (which, unfortunately, often makes them even more concerned about breakage), or wanting to get use of these nice things. In the event of breakage, my response has been that people are far more important than things, that I can always get another bowl or plate or whatever, and that this is not the first time nor will it be the last. I even point to the chips on several pieces as evidence of years of use.

Nevertheless, I feel very awkward when my guests suggest that I should not be using "the good stuff" for them. Surely it's my choice. How on earth do I convey tactfully that I truly want to get use of these fine things and that I like nothing better than to share them with my friends? I think they're worth it, even if they don't.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is not so sure about that. Criticizing the host's style of entertaining, even in this supposedly self-deprecating way, is rude. There is a whiff of a suggestion there that you are being pretentious.

The responses you are giving are both polite and charming. If these do not discourage that line of conversation, you might take to saying in a slightly hurt tone, "But I think of you as my good friends!"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently lost my paternal grandfather, after a lengthy illness. After the wake, I received a letter of condolence from my mother's mother that was rather touching. Is it correct to send a letter of thanks for the condolences or would it be more appropriate to mention it when I see her in person in a few weeks?

GENTLE READER: Couldn't you manage both?

Miss Manners notices that your grandmother did not offer minimal condolences by waiting until she saw you. She took the trouble to write a letter, and you should let her know, in the same way, that you appreciated this. This should not prevent you from also telling her how touched you were.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: During a birthday party held at work, I began cutting into the birthday cake. The cake had edible candy balloons on the icing and one of my co-workers asked if she "could have a balloon."

This would require cutting into a section of the cake that was untouched, but we said all right go ahead, it's a party. She then proceeded to scrape off only the balloon from the top of the piece of cake. This left the underlying piece of cake exposed with no frosting on it.

We were shocked and asked her why she didn't take the entire piece of cake with the balloon on it. She said she only wanted the balloon. We feel she should have taken the entire piece of cake as no one wants a piece with no frosting on it. In addition, it is implied that when requesting certain items on the cake, you get the cake also. Who's right?

GENTLE READER: Most in the wrong here is your employer, for breaking the child labor laws. Four-year-olds should not be put to work in offices. They should be going to birthday parties where their parents take them aside and teach them to accept what they are served, the good with the bad, even if it means the cake with the icing.

You cannot so instruct a co-worker, Miss Manners is afraid. If that lady were grown up, it would be pointed enough to pick up the knife, cut off the piece that she desecrated, and set it aside.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On more than one occasion, I've been meeting with friends when a new person is introduced. After a few minutes of cordial greetings, the new person divulges more personal information to me than I am comfortable with. For example, at a holiday gathering, a new acquaintance talked at length about her abusive childhood with many painful details. As a result, I no longer like to be included in the group when this acquaintance is also included.

Is there a polite way to indicate that too much personal information is being imparted so that a friendly acquaintanceship can be developed over time?

GENTLE READER: While admiring your open-minded attitude toward these people, Miss Manners is less optimistic than you about the possibility of such openers developing into real friendships.

Those who unload their lifetime complaints on strangers are not looking for the sort of give and take that develops when people get to know each other and grow increasingly confidential in a mutual fashion. They are looking for audiences for their self-pity monologues. You can discourage them by offering minimal condolences ("Sorry to hear that") and changing the subject. But then they are not likely to consider you a candidate for what they define as friendship.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For me, receiving even a good book is tantamount to getting an assignment -- something best left to the classroom. So, what to tell an inquiring mind who wants to know, "How's 'the book' coming?" when instead of reading it I'd given "the book" to the Salvation Army?

GENTLE READER: That would be rude. But Miss Manners would imagine that an apologetic, "I haven't gotten to it," repeated often enough, would convey the idea that you are not hungry for books.

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