DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you tell me about the custom of "inviting up and gifting down?" An older friend, who is somewhat of a mentor to me, acted highly offended when I offered to take her to a very nice lunch. She claimed that we are not on equal levels and the most I could do to show my appreciation, until such time as I reach her lofty status, is to invite her to my wedding, which will not happen in the foreseeable future. My gift of lunch was extremely offensive. Is this archaic rule still followed, and why?

GENTLE READER: Sorry, but your friend is no longer allowed to be a mentor, even part-time. Miss Manners has revoked her license. We do not allow snobs to give etiquette instruction.

In spurning your kind invitation, she is misinformed as well as rude. The dictum she cites has to do with professional life, where the employee should not go after the boss socially, and the boss may give, but should not expect, presents. It does not apply among friends, if you still want to call this lady that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was hoping that you would be able to help me with a small dilemma that has come up. My fiance and I are planning our wedding, and things are going smoothly for the most part. We will be having a traditional wedding, including the bride being walked down the aisle and given away.

However, I have three father figures in my life. After my mother divorced my birth father, she married a wonderful man who was a good father to her children. Though my mother later left this husband, I maintained a close relationship with him.

Now that I am older, my mother's third husband, another delightful fellow, is also a very dear person in my life.

How am I to be walked down the aisle by my dad when I have three of them? All of them are very important to me, and I want them all to be there in a special way on this special day.

And who is it who gives me away? My mother and her current husband, leaving my father and first stepfather in the cold? Or my mother and birth father, leaving both of my stepfathers alone? All of my "fathers" get along with one another, as well as my mother, and they will all be there.

GENTLE READER: Your mother gives you away. She is the parent in whose custody you were consistently reared.

Considering how attached brides are to the custom of being given away, they seem woefully ignorant of its point, much less its history. Fathers traditionally gave brides away if they were heads of families. In the absence of a father, it was not considered necessary to go recruit another gentleman. The mother, as head of the family, would give the bride away.

The idea is to fit the positions to the family, not the other way around. This is why Miss Manners has condoned having two gentlemen give a bride away when she is equally close to biological and stepfathers. However, three would call more attention to your mother's marriages than your own.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter will graduate in May. I have had discussions with her about the benefits of homeownership and thought it would be great to start a "my future home" account for her, and have her monetary graduation gifts directed there. She likes that idea.

I spoke with my financial adviser and found that we could very easily set up a trust for that purpose. The problem is getting the word out. I believe that it is perfectly acceptable to include the trust information in the graduation announcement. She thinks it's tacky and in poor taste and believes that I should call everyone and share the information personally.

If you agree with me, please let me know how I can tastefully word the insert; if not, what would you suggest as an alternative?

GENTLE READER: As an alternative, Miss Manners would suggest teaching your daughter that financial responsibility means paying your own bills, not begging from others, and that common sense says that no one, no matter how fond of your daughter, wants to buy her a house.

It is not only the magnitude of your nerve that makes it rude. Soliciting donations and presents has become so commonplace that people now believe trolling for money and goods is only tasteless when it seems especially greedy. You would get the prize for that, but those who make smaller demands are no less rude. Just less imaginative.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner and I agree that with a quartered head of iceberg lettuce, one must use a knife, but I question a knife in use of a normal broken salad, especially with a whole cherry tomato and a salad plate. I was taught that a salad fork must be used to cut the salad, but he says that as a cherry tomato tends to scoot across the table when attempting to cut it with a salad fork, a knife should be used. Also, can a knife be used if the lettuce is not sufficiently torn?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners recommends dropping whatever else you are doing to go hunt for salad knives. It will not be easy, but the small knife, also sometimes called a tea knife or a youth knife, is the only correct one to use.

You need them, because you are at an impasse. You are right that meat knives should never be used on salad, but your partner is right that one has to defend oneself against inconsiderate and lazy salad-makers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was recently invited to a party by an acquaintance and responded to accept the invitation. A couple of days later, I received an invitation from a very good friend for an event on the same evening. I declined the invitation explaining that I had already accepted an invitation for the same evening. I felt badly afterwards for turning down an invitation from a good friend. Was this the proper response?

GENTLE READER: Yes, of course it was. You could hardly tell someone who was kind enough to invite you that you had a subsequent invitation from someone you like better. Miss Manners can understand that you may regret missing a good friend's party, but hopes you don't feel bad about doing the right thing.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you kindly advise on how to graciously, efficiently and politely cancel a party (dinner, cocktails) on the day of the party when treacherous driving conditions make it a hazard to venture out on the roads? Should the hostess or the guest call to cancel?

GENTLE READER: "Graciously, efficiently and politely" is not enough in this case. Miss Manners is afraid that it is also necessary to sound panicky. Either guest or host may accomplish this with the proper tone of hysteria.

"I don't know what to do," the guest wails. "I was so looking forward to this evening, and now we're afraid to risk it because the streets are all ice and they're issuing warnings."

The host's version is, "I've been agonizing, because I'm dying to see you, but I simply can't let you endanger yourself by coming out in this weather. We'll do it another time."

Then they can both settle down for a cozy hot toddy in their respective homes.

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