DEAR MISS MANNERS: My significant other who I have been together with for two years has recently moved in with me and put his own house up for sale.

I feel confident we have a future together, and we have discussed marriage. He has indicated that while not quite ready for that final step yet (has been married twice before and is gun shy), his intent is to marry me within a year or two. He believes his moving in and selling his house should be indicative of his intent. All his friends, family and I believe him to be an honorable man. However, there has not yet been a formal proposal or ring.

I would very much like to at least get engaged and move this process along. Willing to be patient for a limited amount of time but not forever, all of which has been explained to him.

Etiquette issue: My partner is a very successful businessman and we attend numerous social events which his firm sponsors. Several times, well meaning acquaintances and colleagues have loudly asked us when we are getting married, isn't it time, etc. I believe they mean to be "helping" me by putting pressure on him to "do the right thing." This is mortifying for me and embarrassing for my friend.

What would be a good comeback to such comments or questions? I don't want to brush it off as not being important to me (thereby letting my friend off the hook too easily) but I also don't want to have to debase myself by talking about something so personal to people I (and we) are not that close to. Do you have any ideas about what I could say?

GENTLE READER: Arguing with nosy people who think they are being helpful only prolongs the embarrassment, and ignoring them allow the embarrassment to hang in the air uncontradicted.

Oddly enough, however -- you will have to trust Miss Manners on this -- treating impertinent advice with apparent respect stops them dead. The idea is to stare at them in silent amazement, and then say, "Married? Us? It's an idea, isn't it? Maybe that's something we should talk about -- privately."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For our Thanksgiving dinner this year, we drove a total of about 3-1/2 hours. After checking into the hotel, we arrived at 1 p.m. at our cousins' home. About an hour and a half after arriving, we were offered a nice plate of shrimp and some cheese crisps. From then it was another 4-1/2 hours until we sat down for dinner at 7 p.m. After dinner we waited until 9:45 while the hosts cleaned up the dishes before desert was served.

Am I nuts or is this just totally off the mark on how to treat the guests?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners supposes it depends on how thankful the hosts want their guests to be when food finally appears.

In regard to the late start, she supposes that your cousins misread the directions on the turkey. For deserting their guests to clean up, there is no excuse.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate to wear a formal traditional wedding gown for the bride's second wedding?

GENTLE READER: Try and stop her. The white dress has now become the uniform of all brides, young and old, at however many weddings they have.

The strange part is that bridal white, launched by the youthful Queen Victoria, came from white being considered the color of youthful innocence. Today's brides are doing everything they can to subvert that meaning and make their dresses suggestive. Many use Queen Victoria's other fashion trend -- black, for forty years of mourning for her husband -- for their bridesmaids.

Miss Manners lacks the heart to go around spoiling their fun. But the previously married bride who has taste dresses beautifully for the occasion without donning that costume.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My exchange student and I were at a local chain eatery, and I was asking him to notice how friendly Americans are with each other, as compared to his native country of India, where our mutual experience has been consistently negative, to say the least.

Just as he had begun to nod in agreement and comment on how easy going we are as a culture, we suddenly realized that a woman at the table next to us was very upset. We didn't mean to stare, but it was impossible to ignore this woman's rant. Her voice cracked and raised an octave by the time she got to the point of her complaint.

Had her meal been prepared incorrectly or a staff person behaved unprofessionally, I could understand it. But she was screaming at the manager during the middle of Saturday lunch rush because she had hinted and hinted to their server that it was her 45th birthday, but no one from the restaurant's staff sang "Happy Birthday."

WHAT?! She's 45, not five. The manager didn't really know how to respond because it was such an odd issue -- one I cannot imagine has ever been surfaced previously. If you were the manager, what could you possibly respond with?

My student looked to me for an explanation ... but I had nothing. What can you say about a 45-year-old woman who isn't satisfied with the camaraderie of her pals or a delicious meal and would let the lack of insincere strangers singing something out of obligation wreck her entire birthday?

GENTLE READER: What Miss Manners would have said if she were the manager would be, "Oh, now you've ruined the surprise!" If probed further, she would have gone off shaking her head sadly and saying, "No, no, it's no use; it's ruined. But happy birthday anyway."

What you should say to your student is that you are sorry and ashamed about insulting his country. Every country has people who are rude, not to mention childish and nutty, so such generalizations are as meaningless as they are rude. And by the way, so is raising the voice to utter a reasonable complaint.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner and I are planning a commitment ceremony for next spring and want to send save-the-date cards to our friends and family. It seems that members of our extended families want an "explanation" for why we are bothering to plan a wedding-like ceremony that conveys no legal or financial significance. We know such an explanation would seem absurd if printed on the save-the-date cards of a heterosexual couple, but it seems necessary in our situation.

My parents already have encouraged the explanation to be printed, in order to save themselves from having to give the explanation verbally to those who would ask.

Should we print the "explanation" on the save-the-date card, if only to clarify that this is a wedding-like ceremony? (If so, can you suggest wording?) Or should we send a normal save-the-date card? What should we, or our parents, say to these not-quite well-wishers when they ask?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners strongly urges you not to make any such defensive declaration, printed or spoken. Anyone silly or impertinent enough to ask should be told that you are doing this because you both want to. Your relatives and friends didn't marry solely for financial reasons and legal benefits -- at least Miss Manners hopes not.

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