DEAR MISS MANNERS: How should a hostess behave if a guest has somehow committed a huge faux pas, but is unaware of that fact, let alone exactly what sin has been committed?

A recent gathering presented this situation, and the hostess spent the entire event with a sour look on her face and barely spoke a word to the offender, and this was rather blatant on her part. One of us says that, no matter what, a hostess should always make guests feel utterly welcome and glad they came, regardless of the etiquette rule in question; more important is the etiquette of making one's guest feel happy to be there.

The other of us says that the hostess spent all kinds of time and energy, not to mention money, on the event being held at her home, and the person who messed up deserves the cold shoulder and possibly a long walk off a short plank. What say you?

GENTLE READER: The guest is not the only one who is unaware of this huge faux pas. You are going to have to tell Miss Manners what it was if you expect her to decide whether it deserved to turn the hostess to ice. Some do.

But money has nothing to do with it. If the guest didn't realize that a chair commissioned by Marie Antoinette collapsed into splinters as he vacated it, the hostess cannot register displeasure or dismay. If he put his hands in the salad bowl, he should be protected from censure, although the bowl has to be removed to protect the other guests. But if he made bigoted remarks, unaware that other guests were offended, protection of the other guests would require the hostess to condemn what he said and switch her hospitable warmth to chilly.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was recently invited to attend the wedding of a co-worker I supervise, but was unable to join in the festivities because I was out of town. I have always been taught that even if I was not able to attend an event like a wedding, that I should still send a gift to honor the occasion.

I was just about to purchase a gift for her when she informed me that she would not be sending out thank-you notes. She plans to type up a form letter and send it to all the people who gave her gifts. She did not keep track of who gave her what, but feels that she is perfectly in line just to send out this form letter.

I find this to be very offensive. If she does not accept what bad manners a form letter is, will she recognize that I am following bad manners myself by not giving her a gift, or should I just be the bigger person and give her a gift, knowing that it means so little to her that all I get is a form letter?

GENTLE READER: How thoughtful of your colleague to notify you in advance that she is an ingrate. You will be relieved to hear that the one possible reason for giving such a person a present -- that you believe it to be good manners -- is an error.

An invitation is not a bill of notification that a present is due. The rule is that if you care enough about the person to attend, you should care enough to give a present. And if you care about the person but cannot attend, you should probably want to give a present anyway. If you don't care -- and who could care about the bride you describe? -- and don't go, you're off free.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We contribute to a performing-arts series, and as a result we're occasionally invited to "thank-you" or donor recognition events. The latest was an invitation to a recognition black-tie dinner at a cost to guests of $75 per person. With a tuxedo rental, this comes to about $200 a couple to be "thanked."

This is no small sum to us.

I realize that nonprofits may do "benefit" events where a high ticket price is actually a contribution, but our invitation makes clear that this is not the case. Is this an accepted practice that I've simply never encountered? I don't expect a fancy recognition dinner anyway -- it wouldn't be charity if I did. But I thought hosts were expected to provide for occasions within their means rather than asking guests to finance more lavish events. Aside from benefits, shouldn't nonprofit groups follow the same guideline?

The real question is how to respond. For the actual RSVP, obviously we can simply decline, and an explanation isn't required. But what might I say to an offhand inquiry of why we're not coming? And if I had an opportunity to make a gentle suggestion against this sort of event, how might I phrase it?

GENTLE READER: It is indeed common for charities to think that the way to thank their donors is to give them another opportunity to give. Now that they are required to write letters of acknowledgement for tax purposes, these inevitably contain less thanks than suggestions of going on to the next "level" of giving.

It is as if your nephew thanked you for giving him a bicycle by suggesting that next you should give him a motorcycle -- or that perhaps you would like to become a grand patron and give him a car. In regard to the dinner, it would be like his thanking you by making a restaurant reservation so you can treat yourself to a big dinner.

Miss Manners agrees that you should simply decline to assume the costs of the organization's thanking you. Should an opportunity present itself for you to discuss the matter, you could protest, "Oh, I want my charitable contributions to help others; I'm not going to spend it on congratulating myself."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please advise me on proper manners when eating lunch at a restaurant with business associates. I am a picky eater and often order an entree with several condiments left off. If my order is served incorrectly, I send it back until it's correct. Also, I often avoid eating the side dishes.

This feels unprofessional and often attracts comments from my colleagues. Am I being rude? Should I instead request that we go to restaurants where I like a larger percentage of the food?

GENTLE READER: Rude? No. Restaurants sell food as ordered, and if the order is not filled correctly, you may certainly send it back. What you choose not to eat should not be a matter of concern to others.

Had you asked Miss Manners whether you are being annoying, the answer would not be so reassuring. When people go out to eat together, they are not charmed to have to listen to endless negotiations over the food. Suggesting another restaurant, or finding something simple that you can eat without elaborate alterations, would be tactful.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a dear friend achieves tenure, what would be an appropriate recognition and/or gift?

GENTLE READER: A good book. Miss Manners assures you that it has been years since your friend was able to read something outside of his or her field.

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