DEAR MISS MANNERS: As an educator in a graduate professional education program, I frequently invite guest lecturers. I've had two dilemmas:

The first lecturer informs the class that certain research has been cross-culturally "universally" validated. I know that the research was done only with males. Is it rude for me to bring it up? What if I won't have the chance to correct the information with the students on another occasion?

The second lecturer, an African-American female, presents views of her social reality that are disturbing to two white male students, who challenge her views and ask for statistics to verify them. When the lecturer cites her Ph.D., one student calls out, "I don't care about your Ph.D." and leaves the room. Should I, as host educator, have intervened, or would that have been paternalistic?

GENTLE READER: It would be paternalistic to treat an African-American female professor more protectively than you would any other guest lecturer. This brings us back to your underlying dilemma, which is that you feel torn between maintaining decorum and permitting debate.

Miss Manners is afraid that you, like many others, believe these goals to be incompatible. On the contrary, it is decorum that allows dissent to be aired, and it is your job to ensure both. Academic lectures should always allow debate, and decorum should always prevail, there as elsewhere.

In the first example, your own dissent was suppressed. There would have been nothing rude about your using the question period to ask for a demographic breakdown of the research.

The second was characterized by neither decorum nor debate. The request for statistics was reasonable, and the lecturer was rude in dismissing it by citing her credentials. At that point, you could have intervened by saying, "Of course, but we would all be interested in hearing your data."

Instead, the student turned rude. What you could have said after the student left was, "I apologize for the outburst. Now we would all be interested in hearing your data."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother's wife had an emergency C-section in her seventh month of pregnancy. She was carrying twins. One of the babies was stillborn, while the other is making promising progress.

What is the best way to acknowledge the joy of a new baby while recognizing their tremendous loss? They are planning a funeral for their one twin. I was thinking of sending them a bouquet of two kinds of flowers -- one for each of their sons. Any thoughts/guidance would be most appreciated.

GENTLE READER: You are right to acknowledge both events, but treating the birth and the death together strikes Miss Manners as if you are saying, in effect, "Win some, lose some." That is surely not the thought you intend to convey.

By all means send flowers to the funeral, although Miss Manners hopes that as the child's uncle, you can also offer more intimate support. The surviving child is also your nephew, and his arrival should be celebrated in the usual way -- with visits and a willingness to listen to endless reports about him. It is also customary to give a present, but that should be a toy, clothes or other baby paraphernalia, not a twin version of his brother's funeral flowers.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I wish to know how soon one can publicly date after the sudden death of their spouse.

My husband died 3-1/2 months ago and, while I grieve, I also feel relief, as he was a verbally abusive man who I was not sure I loved anymore. I had been unhappy in our marriage for quite a while. He died suddenly of a massive heart attack. We both worked at the same place and I took a six-week LOA to sort out many loose threads left hanging.

I have come to the conclusion that I still have a lot of life to live and a lot of love to give. We were married almost 21 years. He was 52 and I am 42. I have two sons, ages 16 and 11. I have met someone, but am afraid to date him in public as I feel people will be scandalized at the soon-ness of it all. Please guide me with proper etiquette for a recent widow.

GENTLE READER: Fortunately for you, nobody knows anymore what constitutes a date. Miss Manners realizes how this is bewildering to people who cannot figure out whether they are on them, but it works in your favor.

The respectful period for a widow to refrain from allowing herself to be publicly courted is a year, the quality of the marriage aside. And before you shriek at Miss Manners for being Victorian, she will remind you that Victorian periods of mourning were much longer -- and that she is going to help you get out of observing this, if only you will be patient with her.

What has changed more radically than mourning customs are courtship customs. It is no longer assumed that romance is the only possible reason that ladies and gentlemen would want to spend any time together. The possibility of friendship as an end is admitted, even though friendships sometimes take a romantic turn.

As long as you are careful to identify this gentleman as a friend -- which is also conveniently the term for someone with whom you do not yet have a romance -- you should not be criticized for being seen with him in public. Miss Manners trusts that you would behave yourself in any case.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When staying in a hotel, what is the proper attire for greeting a person delivering a room-ordered meal?

I generally order breakfast during early morning, and several times have opened the doors in my pajamas. Also, when staying in hotels I often avail myself of the exercise facilities. I wear exercise pants and a top covering me completely, except for the arms and the neck, but am not sure if that is appropriate, especially when I am rather dewy on the way back to my room. I stay away from the lobby and make my way to my room as hastily as possible, but do not know if I should slink to the staircase and hide in the shadows instead.

GENTLE READER: The principle here is that fine old Victorian adage: Don't scare the horses in the streets. Miss Manners does not consider this any the less applicable because you are indoors and room service waiters do not scare easily, having seen it all. Wearing a cover-up over your pajamas and dewiness is still a courtesy.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just recently moved into a new home. I went and introduced myself to the neighbors closest to me and feel very strongly about "being neighborly."

One neighbor lady, who I have spoken to a maximum of four different occasions, invited me to a "romance" party where the invitation basically explains that there will be a variety of lotions, oils and "toys" for sale and display. It also mentions that part of the "fun" of the party is sharing stories.

If this was something like a kitchenware party I would feel obligated, being a new neighbor, to be friendly and make an effort to attend, or, if I wasn't able to attend, to purchase a small something. But, to me, this is a whole other thing altogether.

I feel this is very presumptuous of my neighbor, whom I do not know, and a little sad that this sort of thing seems to be the "hip" thing now after speaking with a couple of friends. Am I a prude for thinking that this is inappropriate? Or that it should at the very least be exclusive to your very close girlfriends? I don't even want to think about what kind of stories are going to be told.

However, I don't want to give the impression that I am a stick-in-the-mud, either. I am a very social and outgoing early 30s. I am also pretty open-minded, or at least I thought I was, but isn't this crossing a boundary? There is also an after-party in which my husband is invited to attend. What are your thoughts? I really don't know how to handle this.

GENTLE READER: That is because you are so busy trying not to be a prude and a stick-in-the-mud. Afraid that your neighbors will call you names, you want Miss Manners to help you call them names first.

The invitation is only presumptuous in the sense that all invitations presume, without really knowing, that the invitee will want to attend. If she doesn't, she declines. You would not be obligated to attend a neighborhood sales party unless it was your idea of fun, and if not, you would not be obligated to buy your way out of it.

All you need do is to decline with thanks -- no excuse necessary -- and add, for the sake of neighborliness, that you hope to see her and her friends on another occasion. It might be a good time to inquire whether they have a garden club or sewing circle.

Now let us deal with your fear of eschewing whatever you are told is hip. Miss Manners would call this party vulgar, childish and -- because the participants are bound to talk about one another -- dangerous. Refusing to participate strikes her as merely basic good sense and taste, which no grownup should feel bullied into violating.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have legal custody of a 17-year-old girl. She is in our homecoming royalty at our school and they always announce who their parents are. In her case, how would my husband and I be announced when they say who her parents are?

GENTLE READER: You could submit the term "guardians," although to audiences hearing this casually, it is likely to suggest that the young lady is out for the day from a prison or mental hospital provided you keep an eye on her. Miss Manners recommends not worrying about the technical meaning and letting yourselves be referred to as parents, since that is the job you are doing.

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