DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just recently moved into a new home. I went and introduced myself to the neighbors closest to me and feel very strongly about "being neighborly."

One neighbor lady, who I have spoken to a maximum of four different occasions, invited me to a "romance" party where the invitation basically explains that there will be a variety of lotions, oils and "toys" for sale and display. It also mentions that part of the "fun" of the party is sharing stories.

If this was something like a kitchenware party I would feel obligated, being a new neighbor, to be friendly and make an effort to attend, or, if I wasn't able to attend, to purchase a small something. But, to me, this is a whole other thing altogether.

I feel this is very presumptuous of my neighbor, whom I do not know, and a little sad that this sort of thing seems to be the "hip" thing now after speaking with a couple of friends. Am I a prude for thinking that this is inappropriate? Or that it should at the very least be exclusive to your very close girlfriends? I don't even want to think about what kind of stories are going to be told.

However, I don't want to give the impression that I am a stick-in-the-mud, either. I am a very social and outgoing early 30s. I am also pretty open-minded, or at least I thought I was, but isn't this crossing a boundary? There is also an after-party in which my husband is invited to attend. What are your thoughts? I really don't know how to handle this.

GENTLE READER: That is because you are so busy trying not to be a prude and a stick-in-the-mud. Afraid that your neighbors will call you names, you want Miss Manners to help you call them names first.

The invitation is only presumptuous in the sense that all invitations presume, without really knowing, that the invitee will want to attend. If she doesn't, she declines. You would not be obligated to attend a neighborhood sales party unless it was your idea of fun, and if not, you would not be obligated to buy your way out of it.

All you need do is to decline with thanks -- no excuse necessary -- and add, for the sake of neighborliness, that you hope to see her and her friends on another occasion. It might be a good time to inquire whether they have a garden club or sewing circle.

Now let us deal with your fear of eschewing whatever you are told is hip. Miss Manners would call this party vulgar, childish and -- because the participants are bound to talk about one another -- dangerous. Refusing to participate strikes her as merely basic good sense and taste, which no grownup should feel bullied into violating.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have legal custody of a 17-year-old girl. She is in our homecoming royalty at our school and they always announce who their parents are. In her case, how would my husband and I be announced when they say who her parents are?

GENTLE READER: You could submit the term "guardians," although to audiences hearing this casually, it is likely to suggest that the young lady is out for the day from a prison or mental hospital provided you keep an eye on her. Miss Manners recommends not worrying about the technical meaning and letting yourselves be referred to as parents, since that is the job you are doing.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have just started life in a dorm and I find it hard to meet people or strike up conversations. Do you happen to have any pointers to this?

GENTLE READER: Do your laundry.

Miss Manners does not intend this as a comment on your hygiene, which she has not the least desire to examine. Laundry rooms are the respectable place for accidental meetings, in dormitories and apartment buildings. They provide a legitimate excuse for clean people to hang out with nothing much to do and such surefire conversation starters as "Oops, I forgot my soap."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a question regarding the proper placement of pillows. When pillows are placed onto a bed (in a pillowcase), should the open end of the pillowcase face the middle of the bed or the edge of the bed?

This has become quite a quandary for me and my girlfriend. She will gladly admit that when the pillowcase has a decorative border, it is appropriate to place them with the opening to the edge of the bed. However, when there is no decorative border, she places them toward the middle of the bed.

When she makes the bed, I then turn around and adjust the pillows so that they are facing the edge of the bed. She will change the pillows around to face the middle of the bed (when there is not a decorative border) when I make the bed. This has become a little game that we play day in and day out. However, we would appreciate knowing if there is actually a "proper" way to do it, or if it really depends on what you like.

GENTLE READER: Conventionally, the open ends of the pillowcases are at the edges of the bed. However, you will be disappointed to hear that there is nothing proper or improper about aligning them as you wish. Miss Manners has no intention of marching into a couple's bedroom and rating for propriety the little games they play.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a trip to a big box store I noticed that a length of heavy rope had been tied into a lynching noose and laid out across the aisle. The history of lynching has recently received much media attention, and I live in a county that suffered more than its fair share of lynchings, so it is unlikely this was unintentional.

Most of the customers of this store are African-American. I untied the knot and put the rope away. I could have brought this to the attention of a manager, but I thought that if the symbol was removed without anyone having taken offense, then whoever did this would have failed to give offense. When someone chooses to give offense and no one notices, has no offense been given, or it is better for society if we make an issue of these things? It often feels as if the fuss that follows an anonymous hate crime is more damaging than the crime itself. Should I have called a manager?

GENTLE READER: If you were the manager, would you not want to be aware that someone was using your merchandise to imply that your customers were in danger of being lynched on the premises?

Miss Manners suggests that you ask yourself why. But here is the answer anyway: Your kind and quick response only solved the immediate problem. Management needs to be on the lookout in case the larger problem surfaces again.

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