DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our center that deals with loss has a case of a mother who had previously lost her twins to a congenital condition, and now has lost her healthy subsequent daughter to a sudden illness six and a half weeks after birth. She has asked whether to return unused gifts for the baby, and whether to thank people who sent gifts whom she had not thanked yet.

I gave her my opinion (basically, to ask a friend or relative to put them away until after the memorial if it is too difficult for her to have them around, and then for the friend or relative speak individually to each of the givers -- also that she is within her rights not to do anything at all if it is too difficult), but would appreciate yours.

GENTLE READER: That a bereaved person should have the "right," as you put it, to ignore the kindnesses of others is compassionate but dangerous advice, Miss Manners is sorry to have to say. You are running the risk of letting her alienate her personal -- as opposed to emergency-professional -- support group of family and friends.

Miss Manners can hear you replying indignantly that no decent person would fault someone in the middle of tragedy for neglecting a social duty. No, indeed; that is not the danger.

The danger is that well-meaning people, naturally feeling helpless in this situation, will conclude that the lady wants to be left alone. And while that may be true for the moment, isolation will eventually become an added burden. When they do see her, they will be reluctant to mention her loss for fear of "reminding her of it," as if it were possible that she could forget. And that, too, will be hurtful.

Your advice about enlisting a friend's help is exactly right. The friend can not only return the items and thank the donors, but also let them know when the bereaved lady might be ready to receive visits.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work as a cashier at a large retail establishment. Frequently, customers complain to me about the prices, which are set at the corporate level.

How can I politely respond? If they ask for a discount I can refer them to a manager, but what if they don't? (Most of the time they just say, "Wow, that's really expensive," and glare at me while rummaging for their wallets.)

Obviously, I can't change the prices, and I don't feel that commiserating is appropriate. I have tried smiling vaguely and keeping quiet, but this has been interpreted as "attitude." I really want to give good service, but some things are beyond my control.

GENTLE READER: Of course you don't control the prices; the customers know that. They are not addressing you as an individual, but as a representative of the business that employs you. And that is what you should be while you are on duty.

Miss Manners would imagine that you would be stating company policy if you said, "I hope you'll find that it's worth it." If your personal opinion is otherwise, you have disguised that by the wording. And considering that you are the cashier, people who approach you will already have come to that conclusion themselves.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a bit put off yet confused about how to address the lack of fairness in birthday lunches at a company I've worked at for a year.

I'd been there three months when my birthday loomed, and teammates suggested a lunch to celebrate my and another new co-worker's birthdays. It was a $7 buffet and we birthday girls bought our own lunches, despite it being someone else's invitation. A few weeks later, it was another, more-tenured teammate's birthday. It was proposed that we go to an expensive (on my salary) restaurant for dinner; I stayed for a drink and departed, and got the impression that my co-workers split the cost of his drinks and meal.

Two weeks later, there was another birthday lunch that cost quite a bit more than my birthday buffet, and when the bill came, the supervisor announced that we were paying for the birthday girl (again, more tenured but not a supervisor).

Obviously, this isn't fair, nor do I have money to regularly contribute to everyone's birthday lunches, yet the trend selectively continues. My birthday is in two and half months. If faced with paying for my own birthday lunch again, do I laughingly point out that I paid for others'? Or do I keep quiet and fork over my money?

GENTLE READER: Or do you ask your mother to talk to the teacher about making sure everyone gets a fair birthday celebration, not forgetting to make a provision for those whose birthdays happen to fall during vacation time?

Miss Manners apologizes for seeming harsh, but such problems as you describe exist exactly because the office birthday party is a ridiculous concept. There may be some who have tender feelings toward the honoree (and nothing stops them from having their private parties). But for the rest -- you among them, from your account of others' celebrations -- it has become just another impersonal form of pseudo-socializing on the job, and an expensive one at that. In the absence of emotional ties, it should not surprise you that high-ranking people get better treatment than lower-ranking ones.

But your lunch hour is supposed to be your own, and you should be able to opt out of the whole silly business. Make a lunch date on your birthday with some non-office friend who would enjoy being with you, and excuse yourself from others' luncheons with previous engagements, errands to do or working at your desk. If this brings criticism, it will be time for you to enlist others in an office policy freeing lunchtime.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been asked to prepare an obituary for a terminally ill friend who has been divorced and remarried. Let's say her maiden name was Jane Smith. Her first married name was Jane Jones. Her present married name is Jane Long. In the proposed obituary should she be Jane Smith Long, Jane Smith Jones Long or Jane Jones Long?

GENTLE READER: She is Jane Long, nee Smith, and the obituary would probably include the fact that her marriage to Mr. Jones ended in divorce. As amusing as it is to celebrity reporters to string together surnames for much-married movie stars, a lady who changes her surname changes it, however many times. She does not make a collection of surnames.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you assist with some advice for managing longer skirts, especially on stairs? I have a raincoat that I find especially difficult to maneuver during my fraught commute.

GENTLE READER: What you need is a skirt lifter. Neither a pervert nor a trainbearer, this a Victorian gadget with a hook to suspend it from the belt and a clamp to lift long skirts above what was left in the streets by those charming horse-drawn carriages.

As skirt lifters are scarce and expensive, Miss Manners is happy to be able to tell you that it is also correct to use the hands. You hold them straight down your sides, and each of them gathers a handful of material and then moves upwards, a rather graceful gesture. Of course you need your hands free to do this, so you will have to hang your other stuff -- purse, briefcase, telephone, umbrella -- elsewhere on your body.

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