DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently returned from a wedding that was wonderful in all respects except one: The outside temperature was nearly 100 degrees and there was no air conditioning in the church, which was filled to capacity. All in attendance were suffering from the heat -- especially the men, who were dressed in suits.

What is a gentleman permitted to do in such circumstances? I was tempted to take off my jacket, undo my tie and roll up my sleeves, yet I felt that such an appearance was not appropriate for a wedding. On the other hand, it seemed that perspiring through my jacket also did not befit the occasion. In the end, I settled for only removing my jacket. Yet this alone did little to abate my perspiration. What would Miss Manners suggest I do in a similar situation?

GENTLE READER: Suffer.

It hurts Miss Manners to say this, you may be comforted to hear. Well, probably not. But taking off your jacket didn't help, either. And in a packed, 100-degree church, even removing your shirt would not have made you stop perspiring, although it might have helped to clear the church.

Marriage ceremonies do not last forever. (Neither do marriages, but that is another story.) If you were in dire straights, you could have slipped out and explained later that you were feeling faint. But the polite thing to do would be to sit there and melt, hoping for a cold drink at the reception.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 17-year-old daughter, Kaitlin, and three friends were quietly studying in the coffee shop of a large chain bookstore when Kaitlin began to cough. She was excusing herself to get a drink of water when a woman seated at the next table began loudly making an ugly scene, saying that Kaitlin had no right to be there since she was obviously ill and was exposing all of the other customers to her illness.

Kaitlin was extremely embarrassed. She walked over to the woman and, in a voice just loud enough to be heard by the other patrons, calmly said, "I appreciate your concern for my health and I'm sure these other customers also appreciate your concern for their health. However, there is no need to worry because I'm not sick, I just have allergies." Kaitlin then politely excused herself and went to the ladies room, where she burst into tears.

When she was able to regain her composure, she gathered her schoolbooks, excused herself to her friends, and left the bookstore with as much dignity as she could muster. She was quite shaken up and asked me how she should have handled the situation. I told her that I would ask Miss Manners, who would surely know.

GENTLE READER: Yes, but you have an expert closer at hand. Etiquette does not require accepting humiliation, and your daughter defended herself in a polite and dignified manner, of which you should be proud. The only lesson Miss Manners would have her learn is not to allow the rude to trifle with her emotions.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I often wondered why it was impolite to start eating before everyone at the table had been served or filled their plate. When my hot gravy over the mashed potatoes is getting cold while watching Sally take one pea at a time from the vegetable dish, it becomes more difficult.

I have three golden retrievers who would eat a grocery store in a day if allowed them to do so. At dinnertime, I can only take out two bowls at a time. The 3-year-old starts to eat before the dish hits the ground. But my 10-year-old female and 11-year-old male will wait until every dog gets his dish before starting to eat. That's their way to show they care about the other dogs (people) at the table.

GENTLE READER: You seem to have answered your own question, or rather your dogs did. Please thank them for Miss Manners.

Communal dining has a ceremonial aspect to it, as well as a practical one, even at the simplest meals. You are not entering into the ritual of breaking bread with others if you gobble yours before they begin.

In your particular case, Miss Manners would think you would have an extra incentive to wait. It is not a good sign when one's pets have better manners than oneself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend's mother-in-law recently passed away. Her husband has an 11-year-old son from a previous marriage and a 3-year-old daughter with my friend.

At the funeral service, my friend's sister-in-law pulled the husband's ex-wife to sit in the front with the immediate family. This crushed my friend and she cannot forgive her sister-in-law for the slap in the face. She did not include her ex-husband with the immediate family. The mother-in-law's ex-husband did not even sit with the immediate family.

Am I incorrect to side with my friend? The only reason the mother-in-law was nice to the ex-wife was due to the fact that she was the mother of her grandchild. I was shocked when I saw what happened. It was like my friend was slapped in the face.

GENTLE READER: No, it was not. This funeral was not about your friend. There is only one sure way to be the center of attention at a funeral, and it is thought not to be worth it.

Nor do the other former spouses have anything to do with it, as far as Miss Manners can see. Because of the child, the ex-wife has an extant family relationship. The sister-in-law might have pulled her into the family pew because the deceased kept up with her or because the sister-in-law herself wanted to, or perhaps to allow her to be with her child, who had lost his grandmother.

None of these betrays an intention to insult your friend, who has her own place with the family as wife and in-law, in addition to being the mother and step-mother, by the way-of the deceased lady's grandchildren.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a golf course country club in Naples, Fla. We often go to the restaurant for lunch after a round of golf. I am a lady and I am required to take off my hat in the restaurant. I thought this rule applied only to men. Otherwise, how do we justify hats in church and other formal affairs?

We play golf in other clubs in Naples. I have never been asked to remove my hat in their restaurants. Please advise.

GENTLE READER: It is not in your interest as a golfer to insist on traditional gender roles in or near the golf course. One of them was that ladies allow gentlemen to play through, as the gentlemen's time was considered more valuable.

Should you attend a luncheon at the clubhouse wearing a dress and a whimsical hat, Miss Manners will defend your right to keep it on as you may in church and at formal events. Unisex sports caps cannot lay claim to ladylike rules.

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