DEAR MISS MANNERS: I often wondered why it was impolite to start eating before everyone at the table had been served or filled their plate. When my hot gravy over the mashed potatoes is getting cold while watching Sally take one pea at a time from the vegetable dish, it becomes more difficult.

I have three golden retrievers who would eat a grocery store in a day if allowed them to do so. At dinnertime, I can only take out two bowls at a time. The 3-year-old starts to eat before the dish hits the ground. But my 10-year-old female and 11-year-old male will wait until every dog gets his dish before starting to eat. That's their way to show they care about the other dogs (people) at the table.

GENTLE READER: You seem to have answered your own question, or rather your dogs did. Please thank them for Miss Manners.

Communal dining has a ceremonial aspect to it, as well as a practical one, even at the simplest meals. You are not entering into the ritual of breaking bread with others if you gobble yours before they begin.

In your particular case, Miss Manners would think you would have an extra incentive to wait. It is not a good sign when one's pets have better manners than oneself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend's mother-in-law recently passed away. Her husband has an 11-year-old son from a previous marriage and a 3-year-old daughter with my friend.

At the funeral service, my friend's sister-in-law pulled the husband's ex-wife to sit in the front with the immediate family. This crushed my friend and she cannot forgive her sister-in-law for the slap in the face. She did not include her ex-husband with the immediate family. The mother-in-law's ex-husband did not even sit with the immediate family.

Am I incorrect to side with my friend? The only reason the mother-in-law was nice to the ex-wife was due to the fact that she was the mother of her grandchild. I was shocked when I saw what happened. It was like my friend was slapped in the face.

GENTLE READER: No, it was not. This funeral was not about your friend. There is only one sure way to be the center of attention at a funeral, and it is thought not to be worth it.

Nor do the other former spouses have anything to do with it, as far as Miss Manners can see. Because of the child, the ex-wife has an extant family relationship. The sister-in-law might have pulled her into the family pew because the deceased kept up with her or because the sister-in-law herself wanted to, or perhaps to allow her to be with her child, who had lost his grandmother.

None of these betrays an intention to insult your friend, who has her own place with the family as wife and in-law, in addition to being the mother and step-mother, by the way-of the deceased lady's grandchildren.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a golf course country club in Naples, Fla. We often go to the restaurant for lunch after a round of golf. I am a lady and I am required to take off my hat in the restaurant. I thought this rule applied only to men. Otherwise, how do we justify hats in church and other formal affairs?

We play golf in other clubs in Naples. I have never been asked to remove my hat in their restaurants. Please advise.

GENTLE READER: It is not in your interest as a golfer to insist on traditional gender roles in or near the golf course. One of them was that ladies allow gentlemen to play through, as the gentlemen's time was considered more valuable.

Should you attend a luncheon at the clubhouse wearing a dress and a whimsical hat, Miss Manners will defend your right to keep it on as you may in church and at formal events. Unisex sports caps cannot lay claim to ladylike rules.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Sunday I was at the new condo of a close friend of mine for over 13 years, and I accidentally bumped into her screen door. As the bump was quite severe, the door was knocked off its track (but otherwise not damaged).

I apologized and placed the door back on its track. For the rest of the condo-warming party, my friend's parents preceded to make veiled jibes in reference to the incident. I politely went along with the jibes, and proceeded to depart the party after an hour and a half.

However, upon returning to work today, my co-worker informed me that he had heard about the incident from my friend after I left. Apparently, my friend took it upon herself to continue where her parents left off and joke about the incident to the rest of the partygoers after I had departed. Mind you, when the incident happened at the party, the only people present were myself, my friend and her parents.

From what my grandmother taught me about etiquette, I was always led to believe that a gracious hostess should help her guests feel at ease and not remind them about their mistakes. I would like to speak with my friend and let her know that I did not appreciate her actions, as I really do feel further embarrassed, but I'm not positive that this is the best recourse.

GENTLE READER: Did your grandmother mention that sometimes a gracious hostess has to remind her guest of a mistake in order to make her feel at ease?

When there is a spectacular accident with no serious consequences, ignoring it may suggest that the perpetrator is habitually clumsy to the point that no one is surprised. Making a joke of it could demonstrate that it was an unusual occurrence embarrassing neither hostess nor guest.

Admittedly, Miss Manners is hard pressed to think how your hostess and her parents made such a funny story out of this that it was worth drawing to the attention of people who had not noticed. But let us assume that that was her intention and move on to the real etiquette problem: Making her stop.

There comes a point when even welcome teasing gets on the nerves. Having passed that point, you can say, without rancor, "Can we please drop the screen door joke now? It's beginning to wear on me."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a light-skinned woman in my mid-40s, it is not uncommon for my face to turn quite red several times a day as I suffer through the hot flashes commonly associated with menopause. At times, co-workers or acquaintances will comment on my red face and ask me if I've been out in the sun. How should I reply to these questions and comments? I'm not a sunbather, and besides, they are likely to notice that my "sunburned" face returns to its normal shade after a few minutes.

GENTLE READER: "Stop, please. You're making me blush."

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