DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few months ago, I was fortunate enough to be able to take a class in very basic Russian. I have always had some interest in the Russian language and culture, and naturally my exposure to the language and my conversations with my teacher (a native Ukrainian) sharpened it.

However, some of my close friends have recently taken to referring to my "obsession with all things Russian" in the same way that one speaks of a "culture vulture."

I do appreciate that they care enough about me to note my interests and I am pleased to be shown many of the things that they have guessed I would find interesting, but I feel that the level of my interest in the subject has been slightly misunderstood. Is there a gentle way for me to supply a correction from "obsession" to "general interest," or will anything I say be protesting too much?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners' guess is that your friends are not analyzing whether your degree of interest borders on the insane, but have merely succumbed to vocabulary inflation, which is so common among us. What used to be a mere hobby or outside interest is now described as a passion, as in "Although a bookkeeper by day, her passion is coloring Easter eggs." Nobody even just likes something, but is a "fan of" chocolate chip cookies.

So protesting will be too little in that it will make no difference in what they say, and too much in that it does not reflect what they mean.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my son graduated from high school in June 2003, I invited a few family members and some close friends to the ceremonies. At the time, we were in the process of moving. Unfortunately, the box of graduation stationery was misplaced and included with items that were put into storage. My family and I have been displaced since then.

Growing up, I was taught that one sends thank-you notes to those who accepted and attended the event to which they were invited. And that it was never too late to send a thank-you note.

Due to our circumstances, is this an acceptable reason as to why these thank-you notes were never sent and received? The only one this seems to bother is me. My kids thought I was being silly to worry about this then, let alone now, after almost two years.

GENTLE READER: You think that misplacing the stationary is an excuse for not writing letters of thanks? Or even moving, considering that you were well enough organized to give a party?

And your children believe there is a statute of limitations on them, so that if you wait long enough, you get off free?

Miss Manners is so offended by these excuses as to regret profoundly that she must relieve you of your misgivings. Thank-you letters are always charming to send, but you are by no means required to write them to thank your guests, who should be thanking you.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son and a former girlfriend recently had a baby, which they gave up for adoption. As is seemingly more common these days, the adoption was "open." That is, the adoptive parents have agreed that my son and his family, including me, will be able to visit his biological daughter twice a year and otherwise stay in touch with the adoptive family.

While I am delighted to have some contact with my biological granddaughter, I am confused as to what she should call me when she gets old enough to talk.

I believe my son prefers that she call him by his first name. Since he is rather young, and their age difference is not that great, this will probably work fine for the two of them. I am 50 years old and am a little uncomfortable when children call me by my first name.

The girl has adoptive grandparents that she will be calling Grandma and Grandpa. I don't want her to be confused, nor do I want to seem like I am impinging on the adoptive family. I'm not an "aunt," but calling me "Mrs. P" seems much too formal for this relationship. Is there a standard address for biological grandparents in an open adoption?

GENTLE READER: There is not even a standard address for grandparents in what used to be standard families, where a child with any luck would have two sets of them.

Your granddaughter could easily acquire an entire club of grandparents: not only two sets each from her adoptive parents and her biological parents, but the parents of anyone else the latter ones might marry. She needs to be able to distinguish among them.

The traditional system is to let the grandparents choose variants of the title ("Granny" and "Grandma," for example, or "Grandmother" and "Bubbles"), adding their proper names if the choice happens to be the same ("Grandpa Jim" or "Grandfather Stonewall").

This will work best, in your case, if you remember that you are dependent on the good will of people who are not related to you. Miss Manners strongly advises you to ascertain the consent of the adoptive parents and not pre-empt the choices of their parents.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a good name for online friends, or, perhaps I should say, a better name for online friends?

I am an avid birder, and participate in several online forums across the nation. Through these groups, I have come to know several people quite well via off-list correspondence.

On rare occasions, our travels may lead us to cross paths, but for the most part our friendships are entirely e-mail based. When mentioning these people in conversation with others, I usually refer to them as "my friend," but that feels a little strange given that I've never actually met them. Yet I don't like to distance them by referring to them as acquaintances or online friends. Any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: These are your pen pals. Be sure and let Miss Manners know if you want her to explain what a pen is.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the etiquette for out-of-town guests giving advance notice when they are coming to visit? We have friends and relatives who live all over the map, including China, India and the West Coast. They call up when they arrive in town wanting to get together.

I feel mixed emotions because we would love to see these friends but feel put on the spot when this happens. We are committed to various obligations throughout the week that make it difficult for us to drop everything and meet for dinner. It takes a lot of advance planning to travel from China to the United States and a little planning to travel from the West Coast to the East Coast. Plane tickets need to be bought in advance. So why can't these visitors let us know in advance that they are planning a visit? This is not just a one-time incident -- if it was I wouldn't be writing this letter.

What do we need to say visitors the next time this happens?

GENTLE READER: "Oh, dear, we're dying to see you, but we had no idea you were coming and we've made other plans. Next time please give us some warning, and we'll make sure nothing interferes."

If, in spite of wanting to re-train them, you would regret missing the opportunity to see them, Miss Manners suggests adding that you could drop by their hotel for an early breakfast. This works especially well on late risers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a woman in my early 30s who is overweight. I have maintained my current weight for about the past five years. I carry my weight proportionately, and can still wear my clothes well, so I don't feel overly self-conscious about my appearance.

I have come across a number of people who upon seeing me for the first time in many months have commented that I must have lost weight and look much better than since they've seen me last.

That of course is not true, and I tell them I weigh the same as when they saw me last.

These comments are very upsetting to me, because it implies that their memory of me is distorted into that of a much larger person than I am. When they see me their memory doesn't match reality, and that is so surprising to them they assume I lost weight, when I haven't.

I can't help becoming angry with these would-be do-gooders. How do I convey my un-appreciation for these comments and get people to remember me accurately?

GENTLE READER: For reasons that escape Miss Manners, many people consider that there is no higher compliment than suggesting that someone is getting thinner or looking younger than is actually the case. Obviously, in your case it has nothing to do with actual weight.

So you have already conveyed your lack of appreciation. They expected you to look thrilled and say "thank you."

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