DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I went to dinner with my parents at a fine-dining restaurant serving Japanese cuisine, we ate our appetizers and entrees with chopsticks. For dessert we ordered a warm chocolate cake with ice cream, for which we were given small spoons and forks by our server.

Nonetheless, my mother attempted to eat the cake with chopsticks. I mentioned that I thought that to be poor table manners.

She stated that since we were in a Japanese restaurant, we were allowed to use Japanese utensils. I believed that since we were in an American restaurant serving Japanese cuisine, we remained bound by the conventions of American table manners, which say that, as enjoyable as it might be for oneself, one does not eat cake with chopsticks anymore than one would eat peas with a knife. Please help settle our dispute.

GENTLE READER: You mean from here? And not get to watch your mother trying to eat her ice cream with chopsticks?

The issue is not which country's table manners you should use; either would be fine. Practicing foreign customs can be part of the adventure of eating in a restaurant that offers a foreign cuisine, and the Japanese are quite used to the amusement of seeing Westerners earnestly making a mess.

But whatever your mother was practicing, it was not Japanese manners. She should know that they also use spoons. They do not eat ice cream and cake with chopsticks, for reasons she may have discovered the hard way.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you bear one more not-so-charming innovation in showers?

I recently received an invitation to a baby shower. The honoree, who is carrying twins, is a good friend of mine, but I'm only slightly acquainted with one of the three hostesses.

Accompanying the invitation was a small slip of paper that informed me I had the opportunity to win a gift basket at the party. All I had to do to be considered for the drawing was to bring a package of diapers. The more packages of diapers I contributed, it said, the better my chances of winning.

I'm presuming this is in addition to the traditional shower gift.

Where does it end? I feel like I'm being invited to a fund-raiser, not a shower. Should I boycott under the guise of a previous commitment or attend and ignore the wonderful "opportunity" the hostesses have presented? I'm half-afraid I'll be refused admission if I show up with only my customary charming and appropriate gift for the new mother and her babies.

GENTLE READER: The answer to your first question -- can Miss Manners bear it? -- is no. Just when she thinks she has suffered through enough, someone comes up with a new scheme for raising funds or demanding dry goods from those who are supposed to be friends.

Skipping such so-called parties is the simple option that few of those dunned seem to consider. However, as this is a good friend of yours, you may want to overlook the greed, or attribute it to her having less-refined friends than yourself.

Miss Manners hopes you are mistaken about the appalling possibility of your being turned away at the door. But as a precaution, she suggests answering the invitation by saying, "I'd love to come, but I won't be participating in the lottery -- is that all right?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: This is a fairly simple question, but rather important to me. I am always careful to remove a cap or hat when indoors, but the camp I work at has recently switched to dining in a tent. Does the tent count as indoors, and must I remove my hat?

GENTLE READER: Certainly; one does not wear a pith helmet with black tie.

Oops. Miss Manners has seen too many old British jungle movies. But the principle of observing the decencies is still good. A dining tent is considered indoors, or in-flaps, even if there aren't any.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a smoker, despite being well aware that smoking is a harmful, vulgar and a useless activity in which to engage (but feel free to admonish anyway).

Mind you, I am also well aware of the harmful effects of secondhand smoke, and as such, I never smoke indoors (including bars), except in my own apartment. If I'm waiting for a bus outside and there are others waiting at my bus stop, I make it a point to stand a few feet away and downwind. I feel as if I do all that is possible to keep the negative consequences of my smoking to myself. However, I do solicit your judgment on style for the following:

Is there a proper way to dispose of cigarette butts outdoors provided no appropriate receptacle has been made available?

I cringe when people litter, but I don't feel like I'm committing a crime as long as I ensure that the unused remains of my cigarette land in the gutter (not the sidewalk), and I don't smoke if a gutter is unavailable (for instance, at the beach). The alternative would be to stub out the cigarette and carry it until I reach the next public trash can, and my concern there is the potential for a fire.

The other concern is hosting. When I host parties in my home, most of my guests are smokers, but not all. I always clearly designate (and enforce) a non-smoking room.

Is this enough? For small, informal gatherings with close friends (who are obviously aware that I smoke), for instance, where all guests will be present in the same room, I feel that it is OK to smoke in the room provided there is some source of ventilation and nobody is eating or has voiced a prior objection.

I try to position myself closest in proximity to a window or doorway so I can blow the smoke away from the center of the room, and if there are multiple smokers I make sure a window is open at least a crack, even in winter.

Beyond that, is there anything else I can do? I feel that if I am having a close friend or two over, they can deal with a little cigarette smoke, the same way I'd have to deal with going outside to smoke if I was at their place, and if they did not want to be around smoke, they could politely decline the invitation or let me know that they were uncomfortable around cigarette smoke. I'm talking about people who I've already had over, where I've asked each guest if they minded if I smoked, and they've all responded in the negative -- do I have to keep asking if they mind each time after?

GENTLE READER: No, but you have to pick up the cigarette butts.

Miss Manners hates to make this request, because you seem to be trying hard to be considerate of non-smokers, and because non-smokers do not usually return the favor. That you even invited Miss Manners to admonish you tells her that you have come to expect being browbeaten.

All the same, cigarette butts are unsightly, and should not be left around public spaces.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it acceptable for people who have seen a current movie with a surprise ending to discuss that movie among themselves, including the ending, in a public place within hearing range of others who may or may not have already seen the movie?

GENTLE READER: No, but it is also unacceptable to eavesdrop on other people's conversations. So Miss Manners would call this a draw.

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