DEAR MISS MANNERS: Upon saying to a bereaved person, "I'm very sorry," I have, a couple of times over the years, received the response, "Why be sorry? It's not your fault."

Once I said, "Well, I'm sorry anyway," and walked away thoroughly embarrassed. On the other occasion, in my confusion, I'm afraid I simply snapped my mouth shut, stared wide-eyed a moment, and walked away without a word.

How should one respond to "Why be sorry? It's not your fault"?

GENTLE READER: Rattling people by pretending not to understand conventional expressions that are in common usage is a habit Miss Manners loathes. But we allow some leeway to the bereaved, so let us pretend that these people honestly didn't realize that "I'm sorry" can express sympathy as well as remorse.

So you should tell them somberly: "No, I mean I'm sorry for you. I'm offering you my sympathy." Let us hope they will be gracious enough to be contrite and thank you for your concern.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Have you ever been asked what the proper response is when someone wishes to reject an invitation for a date?

It would seem to me that a polite decline would be the most appropriate response, but in my experience many young women don't do this because it feels socially awkward.

On a number of occasions, I have asked a woman out and had her accept, but when I call her later to follow up, she doesn't answer my call and never responds to my voicemail. I have also heard some female friends say that they have given out their phone numbers to men who have asked them out, even though they have no intention of going on a date with the gentleman in question, because it is less awkward for them to dodge a man's phone calls after the fact than it is to politely decline an invitation face to face.

While I can understand wanting to avoid the awkwardness of having to decline an invitation for a date, I think this kind of response is rude and somewhat immature. But maybe I'm being overly sensitive. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That you have been spared the company of people who prefer to put others in the hideously awkward position of being shunned rather than to learn basic social skills themselves.

Ladies do not have to give out their telephone numbers to whoever asks, and they certainly do not have to accept dates unless they want to keep them. They need only murmur, "I'm terribly busy these days" and "I'm afraid I'm hard to reach." Miss Manners assures them that while there may be a momentary flash of disappointment, the gentlemen will undoubtedly recover enough to lead happy social lives with others.

The humiliation of making a date only to be stood up and avoided is much more hurtful -- not because of the loss of the lady's company, necessarily, but because it is a callous and insulting gesture.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my baby was first born, I signed her thank-you notes with my husband's and my names. My husband says I should sign her first birthday present thank-yous with her name.

I feel kind of stupid doing this, and writing things like "I look adorable in my new dress" instead of "She looks adorable in her new dress." Also, do I address the cards to her baby friends or to their parents?

GENTLE READER: Forging your child's thank-you letters is a bad habit to form. Miss Manners doesn't want her to expect you to keep it up when she has turned 40. Or 5, for that matter.

Until she can write, she gets a free ride, which is to say that you should write and sign the letters to the donors, who are presumably not her 1-year-old peers but their parents. The intermediate step is to elicit comments from her that you can quote in your letter and crayon marks that you can explain express her delight.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was supposed to meet a friend for an impromptu movie date at 6:30, outside the theater. On the way I got a little lost and managed to show up 15 minutes late, well into the previews I would imagine.

At that point I looked around and the friend was nowhere to be found. I assumed he had gone home. However, I later found out he had waited until around 6:35 and decided to go see the movie without me.

I felt bad, of course, that I had missed our date at the agreed time. But something occurred to me after I made my profuse apologies. If I were waiting for someone to show up for a date, I would give them a little more leeway than 5 minutes.

Should there be any tolerance for lateness in social matters, or is it simply intolerable in any amount? And what is the appropriate response, for both parties?

GENTLE READER: Let us not generalize the question of tolerance for lateness. There is a big difference between being 15 minutes late for a cocktail party and being 15 minutes late for your own wedding. Or anyone else's. Or for a lunch date with someone who has only an hour. Or for a movie that starts at a stated time.

That movies do not actually start at their stated times, but take advantage of audience gullibility to show advertisements followed by preview after preview -- and even etiquette warnings -- is so preposterous that Miss Manners and many others keep forgetting.

Perhaps your friend does, too, or perhaps he likes to see all that, or perhaps he wants to find a seat before the lights go out. None of this strikes Miss Manners as unreasonable, although once he got settled, he might have popped into the lobby for a minute to see if you had arrived. In any case, you should have waited for each other after the movie, exchanged apologies and forgotten it over a pleasant supper.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am having a minor problem with one of my co-workers that I hope you can help me with. When this co-worker sends me an e-mail, he begins by merely typing, "J." While "J" is indeed my first initial, it is not my name.

I realize that many e-mails do not begin with any greeting at all, but those bother me less than this co-worker using my initial (I presume because my full name of 7 letters is too long for him to type). Is there a gentle way I could request that he use my entire name in his e-mail? Since we work together I don't want to offend him, but this really gets on my nerves.

GENTLE READER: Uh-oh. You are condemning the very style that Miss Manners employs in her informal correspondence (and you may be sure that she does not conduct any formal correspondence by e-mail). So you know it cannot be incorrect.

It is, in fact, a form of abbreviation long in use among those in frequent, informal correspondence. Initials may sometimes have been used to disguise identity should letters be intercepted, but they were not used to insult.

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