DEAR MISS MANNERS: I wondered if you could address this issue with the hope of helping some men enter the 21st century: During a recent course of air travel, I was repeatedly offered unwanted, unsolicited "help" with my carry-on bag.

I am 38. While I understand that some of the men -- those before my generation -- were taught that they must help a "lady" with her bags or be thought impolite, I think that others -- some younger and some older -- use it as an excuse to intrude themselves on an apparently single female traveler. Regardless of their motivation, I would like for them to understand my perspective:

I do not want your help. I would never dream of asking for it. I am not so stupid as to pack a bag that I cannot handle myself.

Though I am small, I am much stronger than you apparently think. I am NOT interested in meeting you or any other strange man in an airport, and if you touch my bag, you'll only annoy me. Who asked you to put your filthy, disease-ridden paws on my bag?

No, I don't feel the need to be polite because you intruded with unwanted and unasked-for "help." And don't ever think of me as a "lady."

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners can reassure you that no one who read your letter would think of you as a lady. She hopes that puts your mind at rest.

And you may even achieve the 21st century for which you hope: a time in which whatever kindness is left is hounded by insult, and the only people who would dream of offering help to another human being are sexual predators.

But why would you ask Miss Manners to assist you in bringing this about? Or address her at all? As you have amply demonstrated, you do not feel the need to be polite.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a girlfriend who insists on answering every question that I ask her with a question. She does this because she believes that I have hidden motives or an agenda.

I get offended because while I may have a personal interest in the answers, I ask the questions because I genuinely care about her well-being.

Isn't it considered rude to answer questions with questions. As a matter of practice, I never do this because I always considered it rude. Am I wrong, should I inquire into the hidden biases of my friends to protect myself?

GENTLE READER: Although she wonders why you do not use question marks after your questions, Miss Manners will refrain from asking. One more person answering you with questions would probably finish you off.

Yet there are reasons for doing so, other than suspicion (of which you suspect your friend) and idle curiosity (of which Miss Manners is guilty). Reversing the inquiry can be a show of reciprocal interest, although perhaps an ill-timed one, and it can be a way of clarifying the subject to be discussed.

Most often, however, it means that the questioner has intruded on the other person's privacy. And yes, a legitimate sense of privacy still exists among those not auditioning for reality TV, and no, being in love does not automatically dissolve it. People have different boundaries and may be sensitive about one area and open about another.

Try opening conversations instead of peppering the lady with questions and see whether she begins to open up at her own pace. Or you could ask her if anything about your questioning is bothering her, and have her reply, "Why -- is something bothering you?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I disagree on one point of dining manners, and it's causing quite a bit of confusion for our preschooler. He maintains that it is rude to blow on hot food to cool it. I assert that his practice of cooling the food by inhaling as he takes a bite, which often includes a slurping noise, is more rude. I also believe that it's dangerous to set this example for our small children, as it could lead to inhalation of small (or even large) pieces of the food. Please help us resolve this disagreement.

GENTLE READER: When Miss Manners has to declare that one spouse is right and the other wrong, she worries about what it will do to the marriage. So she is happy, in this case, to declare that you are both wrong.

Polite people do not use their wind power -- in either direction -- to cool their food. They use patience.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: As someone who commutes to and from work every day via the subway, I am stymied as to how best to communicate escalator etiquette to the increasing number of people who seem blissfully unaware.

It seems obvious to me that one should not stop at the top (or bottom) of an escalator, nor congregate in groups within very close proximity to the escalator. Both actions prevent others from safely exiting without rudely jostling those who have stopped or creating what amounts to a pileup for those behind them.

I have tried leaving several steps between myself and the next person to provide more time for them to exit, to no avail. And a firm "excuse me" falls on deaf ears and doesn't have the benefit of correcting the behavior. My husband prefers to merely bump into the offenders to show them the effects. Can you offer any better suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Better than shoving people on escalators? Miss Manners would hope so. If not, she is in the wrong business.

You say, "Excuse me," and if this is ineffective you take the next steps: 1) Say it slightly louder. 2) Say it while tapping the person gently on the shoulder. 3) Prepare yourself to go around them and hop off fast.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband died 18 months ago. I am rather young, 31, but I have a toddler that is my focus right now along with preparing to move (we live with my mom) and getting a job and settled there, and being my own family again after a lot of changes in my life.

My problem is that a lot of my friends (even other widows) and my dad are trying to insinuate, or in some cases say directly, that I should date when I have made it clear (I thought) that I didn't want to at this time and hoped they would respect my decision about this in my life. How can I tell them politely to keep out of my dating life until I seek their advice on how to start dating again?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners has just the phrase for you.

She understands that these are people you believe care for you, even if they think they know better how you should run your life, and that you might even be able to envision a time when their encouragement might be welcome. She also understands that while you are coping with your altered circumstances, you do not need them pestering you with facile arguments about moving on.

The phrase to use in reply to any such suggestions is, "I'm in mourning."

Unlike "I don't feel up to it" or "I'm not ready yet," it dwells on a formal convention, rather than your feelings. Remember, they have already tried to overrule your mere feelings.

The very word "mourning" to define a period of time following the funeral produces shock. They may still argue, but they will have to realize that pushing a mourning widow out on a date is not likely to produce romantic results.

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