DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I disagree on one point of dining manners, and it's causing quite a bit of confusion for our preschooler. He maintains that it is rude to blow on hot food to cool it. I assert that his practice of cooling the food by inhaling as he takes a bite, which often includes a slurping noise, is more rude. I also believe that it's dangerous to set this example for our small children, as it could lead to inhalation of small (or even large) pieces of the food. Please help us resolve this disagreement.

GENTLE READER: When Miss Manners has to declare that one spouse is right and the other wrong, she worries about what it will do to the marriage. So she is happy, in this case, to declare that you are both wrong.

Polite people do not use their wind power -- in either direction -- to cool their food. They use patience.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As someone who commutes to and from work every day via the subway, I am stymied as to how best to communicate escalator etiquette to the increasing number of people who seem blissfully unaware.

It seems obvious to me that one should not stop at the top (or bottom) of an escalator, nor congregate in groups within very close proximity to the escalator. Both actions prevent others from safely exiting without rudely jostling those who have stopped or creating what amounts to a pileup for those behind them.

I have tried leaving several steps between myself and the next person to provide more time for them to exit, to no avail. And a firm "excuse me" falls on deaf ears and doesn't have the benefit of correcting the behavior. My husband prefers to merely bump into the offenders to show them the effects. Can you offer any better suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Better than shoving people on escalators? Miss Manners would hope so. If not, she is in the wrong business.

You say, "Excuse me," and if this is ineffective you take the next steps: 1) Say it slightly louder. 2) Say it while tapping the person gently on the shoulder. 3) Prepare yourself to go around them and hop off fast.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband died 18 months ago. I am rather young, 31, but I have a toddler that is my focus right now along with preparing to move (we live with my mom) and getting a job and settled there, and being my own family again after a lot of changes in my life.

My problem is that a lot of my friends (even other widows) and my dad are trying to insinuate, or in some cases say directly, that I should date when I have made it clear (I thought) that I didn't want to at this time and hoped they would respect my decision about this in my life. How can I tell them politely to keep out of my dating life until I seek their advice on how to start dating again?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners has just the phrase for you.

She understands that these are people you believe care for you, even if they think they know better how you should run your life, and that you might even be able to envision a time when their encouragement might be welcome. She also understands that while you are coping with your altered circumstances, you do not need them pestering you with facile arguments about moving on.

The phrase to use in reply to any such suggestions is, "I'm in mourning."

Unlike "I don't feel up to it" or "I'm not ready yet," it dwells on a formal convention, rather than your feelings. Remember, they have already tried to overrule your mere feelings.

The very word "mourning" to define a period of time following the funeral produces shock. They may still argue, but they will have to realize that pushing a mourning widow out on a date is not likely to produce romantic results.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper response to a person who asks why I don't download illegal copies of software or music?

The only thing I can think of is "I don't steal," which, while true, sounds awfully blunt. I work at a computer company, and this question comes up rather often.

GENTLE READER: "I don't steal" is harsh because it indicates that your questioners do steal. Obviously they do, but unless you plan to make a citizen's arrest, you will antagonize them to no purpose.

Miss Manners suggests asking (with a wide-eyed look of shock), "But don't you know that's illegal?"

Obviously, they do, but you have given them a chance to slink away. They may prefer to march ahead, saying that doesn't matter. But you will not have accused them of stealing; they will have confessed to it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother has informed me that she has always believed that if a person gives you negative advice about something you plan to do ("I saw that, did that, went there, etc., and I didn't like it because...") and you go ahead and do it anyway, you are being rude to that person.

This probably explains why my mother and I have been at odds for 50 years.

I responded that I thought the world was full of people who offered unsolicited advice, much of it contradictory, but that grownups have to make their own decisions and take the responsibility for them. If I considered myself under a social obligation to follow other people's unsolicited negative advice out of fear of offending them, I'd never do anything.

Surely, I said, sensible people do not take it personally when someone goes ahead with plans in spite of unsolicited advice.

But my mother insisted that this was very offensive, and if someone does me the kindness of offering advice, the only polite thing would be for me to follow it. I have never before heard this etiquette rule, and I'd like your opinion on it.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners has a rule forbidding amateurs to make up etiquette rules. Furthermore, she will make the irritating claim that it is for their own good.

Amateurs inevitably fabricate rules that are to their own immediate advantage, never considering that their circumstances are likely to change, and that once a rule became a rule, it could be used against them. You should hear the outraged squeals of people who went around for years claiming that nobody has to answer wedding invitations when they finally issue their own, only to have them ignored.

What your mother also doesn't realize is that for her, circumstances have already changed. Parents can issue rules to the minor children under their jurisdiction without having to conform to the rules themselves. This is known as "Because I'm your mother and I say so." That is not the way to teach etiquette, but it works for curfews, chores and other such rules that cannot be turned back on the ruler.

However, if you have been at odds with your mother for 50 years, Miss Manners is guessing that this situation expired long ago.

You are free now to say, "Is that so? You must obey everyone's advice? So I could advise you to stop advising me, and you'd have to obey?"

: