DEAR MISS MANNERS: A co-worker has recently adopted a dog and has sent out e-mail invitations to a "puppy shower." She will be "hosting" this shower at our workplace during lunchtime and has asked that everyone bring a dish.

Her e-mail invitation also included a long list of items that the puppy needs, and the following sentence: "If you can't attend but would like to give a gift let me know."

A second e-mail asked me to let her know if I'm going to "donate a gift" so she can "avoid duplicating items."

I am completely at a loss as to how one responds to something like this. My mother would tell me to send a simple "Sorry I can't attend" response, but I fear this person will hunt me down on the day of the event to make certain that I'm truly not available. If it weren't for the fact that it will be held on a day that I simply must be at work, I'd call in sick.

GENTLE READER: Some people teach their pets not to beg and others teach them to beg. Miss Manners gathers that your colleague made a deal with her dog that she would do the begging for both of them.

Your mother is quite right about simply declining outrageous invitations without making a fuss, although summoning people to bring their own refreshments and demanding a present can hardly be considered an invitation. Should you be hunted down -- Miss Manners trusts your colleague will not use a hunting dog for the purpose -- you could go out to lunch or work through it. Surely having work to do is an excuse for not goofing off at the office.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a good friend who is much wiser and smarter than I. We are both middle-aged moms with grown children, so we tend to give each other advice and to get on each other's nerves -- just like we do to our kids!

I may be considered to be better off -- with an intact marriage, a paid-up home, money for retirement and a completed advanced degree. She lives in genteel poverty -- beloved by all, having dropped out of three Ph.D. programs in the last 10 years.

Anyway, I choose to spend my Sunday afternoons in the kitchen cooking gourmet vegetarian meals for my devoted husband and grown-up kids. She has taken to trying to get me to stop doing this! I am besieged with quick-and-easy recipes, shortcuts, and tut-tuts for spending time doing traditional womanly things while I am going back to grad school in a field I love.

Should I get her to stop it, or just put up with it? I was soundly put in my place when I tried to give her advice on getting her financial life together awhile back. What is your advice on giving and taking advice from friends?

GENTLE READER: That one should give it sparingly and take it freely. This is made bearable by Miss Manners' conviction that taking advice and following it are two different things.

That your friend reverses this to believe in giving but not taking, and giving again when not obeyed, makes Miss Manners question her wisdom. Apparently the lady needs to be told that while you consider her smart and wise, you are never going to give up your Sunday afternoon pleasure, so it is no longer open to discussion.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our friends and I seem split as to whether you should tip the owner of an establishment. Fifty percent of us feel it is all right to leave the owner a tip if they are working, and obviously visa versa for the other 50 percent. Does it make a difference whether it is a bar or an eating establishment? What if it is a combination of both?

GENTLE READER: Professional opinions on this issue are also split 50-50.

Miss Manners, along with the rest of the Etiquette Mavens' Council, believes that it is beneath the dignity of the owners of establishments to accept tips. The owners of establishments are quick to deny that their sense of dignity is so high that there is not plenty of room for money to be slapped on top of it.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently have been appointed to the board of directors of a small nonprofit organization. Monthly meetings are held Sunday afternoons at 2 p.m. and seem to last no more than an hour and a half. As far as I can tell, there are only five or six members on the board and they will rotate hosting responsibilities.

Apparently, there is always a substantial array of food that at any other time of day would constitute a rather hearty three-course meal, heavy on the calories and carbohydrates. A generous allowance for food at these gatherings is actually built into the budget. Since I usually enjoy a late morning brunch on Sunday, I have politely eschewed these refreshments.

However, it will eventually be my turn to host the meeting in my home. I would like to offer something more healthful and appropriate to the occasion and time of day. Would it be unthinkably rude to serve only some oatmeal cookies and maybe a few nuts to nibble, rather than meat loaf and chocolate eclairs?

GENTLE READER: These are good intentions, and they will get you off to a really bad start.

Members who do not enjoy a late Sunday brunch, but have expected to enjoy filling up at the afternoon meetings, are going to be seriously cranky when they find only nibbles where the goodies are supposed to be. Furthermore, the reduced spread will be interpreted as your being miserly or worse, since the food money is in the budget.

Miss Manners reminds you that there is a reason that newcomers to an established group are supposed to spend a few sessions observing before attempting to make changes. You can add what you like to the menu, but you cannot change its nature without the concurrence of the other members. You will need to learn how to persuade them, because believing that you are acting to preserve their health is no excuse for failing to obtain their consent.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it impolite for one of the bride's attendants to wear an engagement ring during the festivities (given that the bridesmaid is newly engaged)?

GENTLE READER: No, but Miss Manners is puzzled about the thinking that prompted this question.

Is it the idea that bridesmaids are a chorus line backup for the bride, and are supposed to suppress their individuality for aesthetic unity, even down to their own symbols of attachment? Or that the excitement of this lady's new engagement would somehow detract from that of the wedding?

Either notion would be a sorry negation of what bridesmaids are really supposed to be: the bride's dearest friends, all of whom are individuals with lives of their own. The bride is supposed to care enough about them to wish them happiness, and should be especially disposed to appreciate the happiness of love and marriage. And certainly nothing detracts the proper attention from a wedding as a self-centered bride.

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