DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently have been appointed to the board of directors of a small nonprofit organization. Monthly meetings are held Sunday afternoons at 2 p.m. and seem to last no more than an hour and a half. As far as I can tell, there are only five or six members on the board and they will rotate hosting responsibilities.

Apparently, there is always a substantial array of food that at any other time of day would constitute a rather hearty three-course meal, heavy on the calories and carbohydrates. A generous allowance for food at these gatherings is actually built into the budget. Since I usually enjoy a late morning brunch on Sunday, I have politely eschewed these refreshments.

However, it will eventually be my turn to host the meeting in my home. I would like to offer something more healthful and appropriate to the occasion and time of day. Would it be unthinkably rude to serve only some oatmeal cookies and maybe a few nuts to nibble, rather than meat loaf and chocolate eclairs?

GENTLE READER: These are good intentions, and they will get you off to a really bad start.

Members who do not enjoy a late Sunday brunch, but have expected to enjoy filling up at the afternoon meetings, are going to be seriously cranky when they find only nibbles where the goodies are supposed to be. Furthermore, the reduced spread will be interpreted as your being miserly or worse, since the food money is in the budget.

Miss Manners reminds you that there is a reason that newcomers to an established group are supposed to spend a few sessions observing before attempting to make changes. You can add what you like to the menu, but you cannot change its nature without the concurrence of the other members. You will need to learn how to persuade them, because believing that you are acting to preserve their health is no excuse for failing to obtain their consent.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it impolite for one of the bride's attendants to wear an engagement ring during the festivities (given that the bridesmaid is newly engaged)?

GENTLE READER: No, but Miss Manners is puzzled about the thinking that prompted this question.

Is it the idea that bridesmaids are a chorus line backup for the bride, and are supposed to suppress their individuality for aesthetic unity, even down to their own symbols of attachment? Or that the excitement of this lady's new engagement would somehow detract from that of the wedding?

Either notion would be a sorry negation of what bridesmaids are really supposed to be: the bride's dearest friends, all of whom are individuals with lives of their own. The bride is supposed to care enough about them to wish them happiness, and should be especially disposed to appreciate the happiness of love and marriage. And certainly nothing detracts the proper attention from a wedding as a self-centered bride.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two friends (we are in our mid-20s) who feel the need to weigh in on every aspect of everyone else's dating life. Neither of them date very much because they are both total snobs and very negative.

Whenever any of their friends starts dating someone new, and anything sketchy happens in the first few weeks of dating -- like someone doesn't call you back when they say they will -- my friends will go on a relentless campaign in favor of dumping the new person. If you try to stick up for yourself, it causes a fight, and they both act like martyrs, saying, "Well, I know you'll call me unsupportive, but I just hate it when my friends date losers who don't respect them!"

Is this good friend behavior?

GENTLE READER: Why, they are such good friends that they cannot bear to think of your tolerating anyone who is less than perfect. And as everyone is less than perfect, they believe that you would be happier if you spent your time listening to their critiques rather than consorting with imperfect gentlemen.

Miss Manners notes, however, that your good friends do not meet their own standard. The issue is just what they deplore in your beaux: a lack of respect for you. Surely your judgment is key when it comes to deciding what lapses in behavior you find forgivable or correctable and which constitute firing offenses, yet they do not respect it.

You could accept their criteria, which would require firing them, or you could set an example of human kindness by overlooking their faults. In the latter case, Miss Manners would strongly suggest that you cease reporting your beaux' peccadilloes to them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a problem with politely ending Instant Messaging conversations. I know one should treat them similarly to telephone conversations, but without the subtleties of voice tone and pauses, it's hard for me to skillfully maneuver my way out of them.

I also don't have the excuse of it being impossible to do something else on the computer while talking through IM, but sometimes I really want to concentrate on reading, writing or drawing, instead of having an hours-long conversation about nothing in particular.

Some of my acquaintances adapt the practice of simply not responding to my last remark once they judge the conversation over. Since I know it leaves me feeling awkward as I wait for their response, I don't want to employ this tactic. Just saying "'Bye, I have something better to do than talk to you now" feels awfully impolite. I've sometimes had to turn to inventing appointments or people coming in to talk to me in order to excuse myself from such conversations. What is the correct manner in which to end IM conversations?

GENTLE READER: You were doing fine until you got to the part after "'Bye." Declaring that you have something better to do is, of course, rude, but inventing something to do that is less unflattering to your correspondent is not the solution.

Miss Manners cannot imagine that even those most devoted to their computers, who have not interacted with a real, live person for years, fail to understand that they cannot command everyone's constant attention.

Signing off, which Miss Manners agrees you should do, does not require an excuse. "'Bye for now," or "Talk to you later" are quite polite enough.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct way to tell my boyfriend that I am pregnant? We have been dating for five years, but I do not know how he will react.

GENTLE READER: Neither does Miss Manners, but she believes that it would be a good idea for you to find out.

She recommends covering him with congratulations and kisses. While this is not likely to be a case where his delight or distress hangs on the wording of your statement, it is the gracious way to hint what reaction is expected.

: