DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who sells many of her unused items via a popular online auction site, and I have discovered that she frequently auctions off birthday and Christmas gifts I have given her. Although I am disappointed that she didn't like my gift, I understand that it was indeed a gift to do with as she pleases.

Occasionally, though, I will offer her unused or unneeded items when I am cleaning out closets, the kitchen, etc. For example, I'll say, "Do you happen to need a bread machine? We never use this." She always accepts the item willingly like she wants or needs it. Then she sells it in an online auction!

Should I just shut my mouth because this was a gift for her to do with as she pleases? Or is she taking advantage of my generosity?

GENTLE READER: Yes it was, and sure she is.

As you suspect, you are being too generous -- and not just with your goods and your trust. You have too generous an idea of the amount of leeway that etiquette allows the recipient of a present.

That the giver loses control once the present is given is perfectly true, so remarks such as "Where's the monkey statue I gave you?" and "You're not wearing that nose stud I gave you!" are out of line. But that does not mean that the person who gets a present is free of all restrictions.

The proper expression of gratitude involves not only declaring it on paper, but shielding the giver from finding out how ungrateful one really is for this particular present. So asking the giver to exchange a present and putting it out at a yard sale in the giver's neighborhood are also forbidden.

We could give your friend the benefit of the doubt and suppose that she never imagined you would find her presents on auction. But there is no excusing her taking conditional presents without meeting the condition. You didn't wrap up the bread machine and give it to her for her anniversary, you asked whether she needed it. If she didn't need it, she was not supposed to take it. Miss Manners refuses to allow the interpretation that yes, she needed it, but not for making the kind of bread for which it was intended.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been married for many years to a most accomplished and attractive lady. After raising a substantial family, she has become a professional in her chosen field.

Over the years, we often have socialized with her fellows, many of whom seem as impressed with her as I am. On a number of occasions, some have approached me with remarks such as "Do you know how lucky you are?" or "I guess you know how lucky you are."

I find this patronizing and irritating. My response now is to reply, mildly, "Yes, and I think she's lucky, too."

Those who even listen tend to retire in a somewhat flustered manner, which, admittedly, I take secret delight in. Have I violated basic etiquette and must I simply (as I used to do) accept the remark graciously? Oh, I hope not.

GENTLE READER: But Miss Manners is afraid so. Your refusing to take pride in compliments about your wife is not just ungracious; it belies your intention. A lady whose husband appears to resent her being successful and admired cannot be said to be lucky.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What does it mean to "grow old gracefully"?

GENTLE READER: It means being pleased and charming when offered a seat while others are standing or the chance to go through a door first, and when addressed by younger people by honorific and surname or as "ma'am" or "sir."

Miss Manners can think of no surer sign of growing old awkwardly than the habit of countering courtesies with the complaint, "That makes me feel old."

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a very picky eater. I don't like onions, tomatoes, many green vegetables, coconut, and the list could go on and on.

My problem is that my boyfriend would like for me to eat at his mother's house. However, I'm afraid that I will not like what she cooks. I am very open-minded to try anything, but many times I don't like things. And I do eat things with onions and tomatoes in it, but I push them aside and leave them on the plate. If I go eat at his mother's house, I'm afraid it will be rude to pick out the things I don't like.

So what am I supposed to do? I can't force myself to eat these things I don't like! Help!

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners appreciates your admitting to being a picky eater instead of bolstering your choices with philosophical or medical polemics. But you are right to assume that no one else is likely to feel the same, least of all your hostess who is also your beau's mother.

No one should be monitoring what her guests do or do not eat, but nearly everyone does. And picky eating should not be considered symptomatic of being spoiled, but it often is.

As the gentleman already knows your habits and nature, Miss Manners suggests you enlist his help. Ask him to think of a dish that his mother makes that would appeal to you, and -- without mentioning your pickiness -- have him ask her flatteringly if she would treat you to that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I ran into an old friend whom I had not seen in a long time, I casually asked, "How are you?" His only response was "clean and sober for over three months."

This left me searching for a proper follow-up response, and I was wondering if you had any suggestions. I was unaware that my friend had been having troubles with substance abuse (I still don't know if it was drugs or alcohol, or both), but I felt that a response such as "That is such good news!" or "I am so proud of you!" would indicate that I previously felt he did have a problem. Nor did it feel right to say, "Wow, I didn't know you were struggling with substance abuse."

I simply responded: "Well, you look great!" (which was true) and proceeded to find a new topic to discuss. But somehow that felt insufficient considering how significant this news was to him.

Can you think of anything else I might say should this situation arise again?

GENTLE READER: It depends on what you want to hear. And how much.

Your friend is obviously disposed to talk about his past and present situation, either because you are a valued confidante or because he tells everyone in sight. If it is the former case, you could indicate a willingness to listen by saying, "Really? I didn't know that you had problems, but I'm glad to hear you are doing well." But Miss Manners assures you that what you did say is just as polite, and the right way to keep the conversation on the casual level of exchanged greetings that you seem to have intended.

: