DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister's invitation for the big family Thanksgiving included my partner, whom she has met and welcomed into her home before without incident or condition. My relationship has not been an issue when staying with my sister before, despite the fact she has two boys, ages 8 and 12.

Apparently, all this changed after she spoke with my brother, who has recently begun seeing someone new who has a 5-year-old son. Though this woman has never expressed distaste with my lifestyle and my brother made no such request, my sister called me back to impose the condition that my partner and I would be welcome as long as we eliminated displays of affection toward one another.

This seemed absurd to me, as we have never been outwardly demonstrative beyond the norms acceptable in public for gay or straight people.

My sister explained that since we were unsure of this woman's stand on the issue of homosexuality, especially where her child was concerned, we should do everything in our power to make sure the guest is comfortable and hide what she may consider offensive. I tried to counter by suggesting that in trying to pretend it doesn't exist, my sister was saying that it was unacceptable and that her role should be to show that her family at the holidays is united and accepted. I feel it falls to my brother to explain to his friend ahead of time and she should make the decision herself as to whether she chooses to attend a family affair where we are just that, a family.

What is the proper way to handle invitations to guests with (presumed) opposing lifestyles?

GENTLE READER: Lifestyles don't attend dinners; people do. Miss Manners fails to see why the presence of your or your brother's partner needs to turn Thanksgiving into a children's seminar on human sexuality.

Of course she is presuming that everyone will be behaving decently. If there is any doubt of that, perhaps your sister should warn your brother not to demonstrate affection for his new friend, lest the other children wonder why the mother of a 5-year-old is paired with someone other than the 5-year-old's father.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who tells quite interesting stories. Some are so crazy that I have a feeling that she is lying. I want to tell her that I think she is lying, but I believe it would be rude. Whenever she tells me a story, I just pretend to be interested and say, "That's neat." That isn't how I really feel. How could I tell her I think she is lying without her getting really angry? I want the fake stories to stop. Please help me.

GENTLE READER: There is no way that you can call a friend a liar and hope to salvage the friendship, Miss Manners is afraid. So isn't it fortunate that the way to stop all this is the same way to show polite interest?

That is to ask questions and request details: "Really? When and where was that?" ... "But where were your parents when that happened?"... "Why wasn't that on the news?" and so on. You will wear her out making up details. That is, if you don't inspire her to new heights of lying.

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For a moment there, Miss Manners thought she saw a chance to give the custom of tipping some serious analysis. Maybe a 15 to 18 percent chance. Who, besides tax-dodgers and bill-dodgers, wouldn't like to see the tipping system exposed for the farce that it is?

Others, on both sides of the tip, are wary of being cheated. In all the transactions in which tipping is customary -- transportation, public accommodations, personal services -- there is someone thinking "Are they going to stiff me?" if not "How much more can I make them give me?" and someone else thinking "Am I being a sucker?" if not "How little can I get away with?"

With the addition of holiday tipping, it just gets worse, with one side afraid of being overlooked and the other of being bilked. Then there is the uncertainly about who is within or above the tipping line, and the confusion between tips and presents.

What might have been the catalyst for reform was a case earlier this fall, when a customer in an upstate New York grill was arrested after leaving a 10 percent tip on the pizza bill that he and eight others had run up. The restaurant had stated that an 18 percent tip was mandatory for parties of six people or more.

The charge for the food was $77.43. The charge for failing to leave a larger tip was theft of services. So the case hinged on whether tipping is voluntary, as an expression of approval or disapproval on the part of the tipper, or mandatory, as a portion of the server's wages for services rendered -- a part to be paid directly by the customer instead of through the employer.

The accused maintained the former, claiming to be generally a good tipper who found the service bad. The restaurateur claimed the latter, stating that he was standing up for "the hard-working people who worked for me" and who work "strictly for tips."

The judge ruled in favor of the defendant. Miss Manners does not disagree with this verdict, as the society does make a hair-splitting distinction between an added-on "service charge," which is part of the bill, and a tip, which is understood to be voluntary.

But she wishes there had been some way to recognize that the restaurateur was also justified in his assertion that the society also recognizes that restaurant servers do work largely, if not entirely, on the expectation of tips. Knowing this, polite people leave at least the conventional tip (a 15 percent minimum before tax is added) regardless of the quality of the service. (If it is bad, they should complain, as in other cases when people do not perform adequately that which they are hired to do.)

The fact is that what we have here is an incoherent system. In what sense do the servers work for the restaurateur if he does not pay them wages? Is it that he provides a venue and situation in which the servers can try to impress -- or press -- the customers into giving them handouts? And is that a dignified way to do business?

The just solution is to have employers pay the employees, passing on the cost to customers frankly, by building the amount into the cost of the dishes ordered.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is it appropriate or inappropriate to have a housewarming party? I am recently divorced and am buying my first home. As with many divorces we split most everything, and I cannot afford to replace many needed items at this time. What is the protocol? Am I supposed to register for items that I need or ask for gift cards or just take what I can get?

GENTLE READER: What exactly is warm about this plan? Miss Manners seems to have missed the part about how eager you are to welcome your friends to your new home. You have gotten right down to the business of whether you can make them help furnish your house.

Not politely -- and not reliably, even if you are willing to be so impolite as to indicate that your welcome is dependent on their not showing up empty-handed. Some may want to give you presents, others may feel they have to do so, but the last time Miss Manners checked, presents were voluntary, not some sort of tax that a host can levy on guests.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: On Halloween night, I heard what I thought was a large group arriving at my door. They seemed to take quite a while to organize themselves before ringing the bell.

When I opened the door I saw why: I was met with two children on the step in costume, two adults carrying large battery-powered lights (would these be called gaffers or key grips in the industry?), one adult with a video camera aimed at me, and another adult I assumed to be the director/producer.

I fought the urge to shut the door, and distributed treats as required, since anything I could have done would have been permanently recorded for the family's future entertainment.

Is this a new common practice, just now reaching my area? Am I wrong to feel put upon? As a shy person, should I plan to wear a costume of my own next year, so I can wave a broom at the camera?

GENTLE READER: What a good idea. Indeed, you were put upon and, also indeed, you were stuck. The most Miss Manners could suggest would have been saying politely, "Would you mind turning off those lights, please? I can't see to give the children their candy."

Amateur filmmakers are a plague, Miss Manners agrees. At least professionals would have known the union rules in regard to contracting featured players.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: HELP ME, PLEASE! I recently went out with a man who took me on an unusually nice first date. The bill came to $150 (I peeked, and gasped) and he insisted on paying for everything. When I said that I would like to pay the tip, he replied, "That's unacceptable."

I caught on right away that he was very much an old-fashioned (26-year-old) gentleman. Everything he did was right out of a gentleman's handbook.

However, I never heard from him, even after a fabulous date with sparks flying everywhere and a sweet kiss goodnight. I couldn't figure it out!

I ran into him this past Saturday and he said that I was supposed to call HIM to say "thank you." He said that if a man takes you out on a nice date, that it's rude not to call and say "thank you." Once we figured out that I didn't KNOW that (who would?), I apologized and now we're going out again.

I know that he has always liked me, but I really think that it's true that a man is supposed to call YOU! What do you think? Please help, I'm dying to know if he is really right or not!

GENTLE READER: No, and Miss Manners is afraid that she is a lot less enthusiastic about him than you are. It is not his being mistaken in thinking that the lady must add a second-day call to the thanks she gives a gentleman for having entertained her. It is his sulking about it -- not a gentlemanly thing to do.

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