DEAR MISS MANNERS: On Halloween night, I heard what I thought was a large group arriving at my door. They seemed to take quite a while to organize themselves before ringing the bell.

When I opened the door I saw why: I was met with two children on the step in costume, two adults carrying large battery-powered lights (would these be called gaffers or key grips in the industry?), one adult with a video camera aimed at me, and another adult I assumed to be the director/producer.

I fought the urge to shut the door, and distributed treats as required, since anything I could have done would have been permanently recorded for the family's future entertainment.

Is this a new common practice, just now reaching my area? Am I wrong to feel put upon? As a shy person, should I plan to wear a costume of my own next year, so I can wave a broom at the camera?

GENTLE READER: What a good idea. Indeed, you were put upon and, also indeed, you were stuck. The most Miss Manners could suggest would have been saying politely, "Would you mind turning off those lights, please? I can't see to give the children their candy."

Amateur filmmakers are a plague, Miss Manners agrees. At least professionals would have known the union rules in regard to contracting featured players.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: HELP ME, PLEASE! I recently went out with a man who took me on an unusually nice first date. The bill came to $150 (I peeked, and gasped) and he insisted on paying for everything. When I said that I would like to pay the tip, he replied, "That's unacceptable."

I caught on right away that he was very much an old-fashioned (26-year-old) gentleman. Everything he did was right out of a gentleman's handbook.

However, I never heard from him, even after a fabulous date with sparks flying everywhere and a sweet kiss goodnight. I couldn't figure it out!

I ran into him this past Saturday and he said that I was supposed to call HIM to say "thank you." He said that if a man takes you out on a nice date, that it's rude not to call and say "thank you." Once we figured out that I didn't KNOW that (who would?), I apologized and now we're going out again.

I know that he has always liked me, but I really think that it's true that a man is supposed to call YOU! What do you think? Please help, I'm dying to know if he is really right or not!

GENTLE READER: No, and Miss Manners is afraid that she is a lot less enthusiastic about him than you are. It is not his being mistaken in thinking that the lady must add a second-day call to the thanks she gives a gentleman for having entertained her. It is his sulking about it -- not a gentlemanly thing to do.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few years ago, I decided to change my life by joining a gym, and since then, I have become progressively more interested in health and fitness. I've also lost about 10 pounds and feel wonderful.

I want to help people by sharing with them how hard it was for me to reach my goals, while explaining to them that if I can do it, they can, too. I also want to set a good example for others by practicing self-control. However, I don't want to show off or make people feel badly about their own choices.

Next time an overweight friend confides that she doesn't know why she can't lose weight, while she chugs down a double mocha latte, should I bite my tongue, or should I point out the obvious?

Next time a gracious person encourages me to try a calorie-laden dessert, should I take some and discreetly not eat it, or should I politely decline while explaining that those sorts of foods are no longer part of my diet?

Next time someone compliments my shoulders while complaining about their own, should I just say "thank you" or should I discuss the benefits of weightlifting in addition to cardio?

I only want to help those who are interested, but I also don't think I should have to be "in the closet" about being healthy.

GENTLE READER: Now that you are happy with your weight, Miss Manners would think you would be delighted to be in the closet. Isn't it packed with favorite outfits that you can now wear again?

Anyway, you are making the common error of believing that the only place for you other than the closet is a soapbox.

Thick or thin, you are still bound by the etiquette rule against haranguing people, especially those who are gracious enough to offer you treats and compliments.

Your only opportunity to "share" is to reply to inquiries from overweight friends actively seeking advice. Miss Manners assures you that they already know which foods are fattening; what they want to know is how to avoid the temptation of eating them anyway.

Wait -- there is one more thing you can do. You say that you want to set a good example by practicing self-control. Miss Manners suggests you do this by enjoying your own success while minding your own business.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My maid of honor is going to be throwing me a shower. Is it proper for me to be at the shower when my guests arrive and greet them, or am I, as the bride, supposed to be fashionably late?

GENTLE READER: There is no such thing as fashionably late, as you will realize if your bridegroom is not waiting at the altar when you get there.

Unless it is a surprise party, in which case you would not be asking Miss Manners the question, the guest of honor should be there to greet the guests.

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"No, dear, it was a Tuesday, not a Sunday. I remember that, because there was snow predicted, and I left work early. And it wasn't just three men we saw; there was a woman there, too.

"You didn't actually say 'I bet this is a crime about to happen.' When you saw they'd left their car practically on the sidewalk and were having a huddled conversation, you said, 'There's something strange about those guys.'

"We didn't see it on television that night. You were in the bathroom and I heard something on the radio about a holdup at the mall, but by the time we put on the news, they were talking to witnesses and we couldn't be sure it was the same group we saw. Only we think so."

Conversational Helper, as Miss Manners calls it, is one reason that it is a bad idea to seat couples within earshot of each other at dinner parties. Some would say it is a reason why it is a bad idea to get married.

Miss Manners emphatically endorses the former premise and disputes the latter. It is no fun to be corrected, and that vivid detail about being in the bathroom deserves a special mention award. But that is a habit that can be, ah, corrected.

Knowing each other's stories -- background, shared experiences and other conversational material -- is otherwise one of the great benefits of marriage. It makes people feel loved for themselves, as opposed to for whatever counterfactual impressions they might be able to create. They can indulge in reminiscences without having to supply the background. They have a double repertory for use when the other person is not around. And as they grow older, they can use each other as reference resources about their own lives.

But they have to learn the difference between being a prompter and being a fact checker.

Correcting one's spouse in public is not a charming thing to do. And Conversational Helper not only interrupts and embarrasses the speaking spouse; it annoys the listeners. They couldn't care less whether it was Sunday or Tuesday, as long as they don't have to listen to that being made into a dispute.

Besides, embroidery is what makes factual reporting into conversation. Experience must be given form and colorful details, and bits of exactitude may get lost along the way.

Improving the dialogue is considered fair, because it makes the story more interesting. Being able to add a bit of drama to the narrative, instead of making it sound like directions being read from a can, is counted a plus.

This is not to say that spouses cannot be of social assistance to each other. They can prompt delicately when the speaker's own version of the story has been botched, supplying an essential factor that was omitted or a forgotten punch line.

And they can look charmed when hearing a slightly mangled story told yet once again.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My neighbor claims it is correct etiquette to personally pay for travel expenses of family to attend a memorial service for her deceased husband. Can this possibly be true?

GENTLE READER: No, it is not. You have a neighbor who is either exceptionally generous or exceptionally gullible.

If she has offered to pay travel expenses so that relatives who could not otherwise afford it can attend her husband's memorial service, it is the former, although she should not generalize to expect others to do the same. If the relatives have led her to believe that they expect her to pick up their bills as a reward for attending, Miss Manners is afraid that it is the latter.

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