DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law volunteered to host the family Thanksgiving dinner last year. In prior years, when hosted by me, my sister or my mother, the host would provide the meal and accept (only if asked) an offering of a special dish, a favorite dessert, etc.

When inquiring to my sister-in-law to see if I could bring my sweet potato casserole or other complementary dish, she asked me to bring all of the vegetables, including mashed and sweet potatoes, corn pudding, green beans, cranberry sauce and salad. She asked my mother to bring desserts (pies, cake, ice cream, whipped cream) and coffee. My sister was ordered to bring appetizers, rolls, corn bread and drinks (including wine and coffee). The host would provide the turkey, stuffing, plates and utensils.

We were caught off-guard last year by the potluck arrangement, but agreed to it in the spirit of family harmony. My sister-in-law loved it, however, and has asked to make it a tradition at their house.

We can always say our tradition is to rotate it from house to house, but how should one respond to a request in which one has previously replied yes to a dinner invitation and is later asked to provide a substantial portion of the dinner?

Is this the new standard for dinner invitations? Is this OK because it's family?

GENTLE READER: A cooperative family holiday is only OK if everyone concerned knowingly agrees to it. Last year, as you realized, you were stuck. Miss Manners assures you that this does not mean that you are stuck for life.

Now is the time for you to announce, with your mother and sister's pre-arranged backing, that you feel like doing Thanksgiving this year, and that your sister-in-law is not to think of bringing anything, as you want her to enjoy a work-free holiday. It is not necessary to argue tradition and counter-tradition in order to do something as gracious as insisting that you want to entertain the family.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are a group of people, including couples and widows, whose ages range from 65 to 80. There are times when some of us may be invited to a function, while others may not.

We are aware of the two faux pas: Don't ask someone if they've been invited and don't ask the hostess whom they invited. We understand the severity of the first case; however, by not asking the hostess, we find that we cannot share the cost of a gift, or offer a ride to someone who might need it.

Frankly, it sometimes causes embarrassment to come to a function and find that your best friend is there and they could have been included in the gift or been given a ride. We have come to the conclusion that, because of our circumstances, we should ignore "don't ask the hostess who has been invited" and ask.

GENTLE READER: Why disobey etiquette rules when Miss Manners can so easily tweak them to get you the desired result? You cannot properly ask the hostess for her guest list, but you can quite properly ask her, "Is there anyone who lives near me, as I might need a ride?" As she probably has not memorized everyone's address, this will prompt her to recite the list anyway.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I frequent a local pub, usually twice a week, and on occasion I have either been sent a drink or asked if one could be purchased for me (usually by a member of the opposite sex).

I am a single, 46-year-old female, and I am not at my favorite pub looking to "pick up" someone. However, one of the main reasons I frequent this pub is due to the fact that a variety of interesting people do, too, and we often get into wonderful and interesting conversations at the bar.

I was raised to believe that if a drink has already been purchased and sent to you, the proper thing to do is think of it as a gift, drink it (barring that one has not already over-imbibed) and thank the sender without any further obligation on my part. I was further raised to believe that if someone merely asks, "May I buy you drink?" it is perfectly proper to either accept the drink (and thank the person with no further obligation) or thank the person for the thought, but refuse the drink dependent upon the circumstances.

Some of my friends/colleagues insist that if a drink is accepted under either circumstance, then I am obligated to purchase the sender a drink. What IS proper in these situations?

GENTLE READER: If your parents' child-rearing covered the etiquette of how to accept drinks from strangers, Miss Manners congratulates you on an unusually tutored upbringing. Most parents give up exhausted after they have managed to teach basic table manners. Or before.

Unfortunately, however, their information would now be out of date. A generation ago, a lady would not have gone to a pub alone (unless she intended to be picked up, in which case she would not have been a lady). That ladies may go there for respectable conviviality is certainly an improvement.

But the old form of flirtation with drinks has changed accordingly.

The old routine was both sly and harmless. A gentleman sent over a drink to a lady he admired, knowing that the most that could come of it, considering the presence of her escort, would be a flirtatious glance of acknowledgement. And it might equally well be refused, or receive a different sort of glance from the gentleman she was with.

What you describe is the equivalent of a stranger's offering to get you a drink at a party -- a way of introducing himself. That money is involved here, because you have moved from a social setting to a commercial one, is not the point. To accept the drink does not require that you buy a return drink, as it would when there are no courtship overtures involved, but it does commit you to talking, at least briefly, with the person who bought it. If you do not wish to do that, you should decline with thanks.

What you might do is buy Miss Manners a drink. She needs to recover from having accepted your premise that, although a lady may not go to a bar to pick up a stranger, it might just happen.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a health care provider does not wash his or her hands before examining or assisting you, what is a polite way of requesting that they do so?

GENTLE READER: Try "Aren't you going to wear rubber gloves? I might be infectious."

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The desire to reduce any body of knowledge to something that fits on a T-shirt -- or, in the case of academic knowledge that subject to testing, on the cuff of a real shirt -- is understandable. So Miss Manners tries to be patient with the nice people who tell her that her noble field is, "after all, just a matter of common sense."

So much for the world's fascinating variety of cultural and ceremonial traditions. So much for the ever-developing interplay of behavior with changing social thought and technology. So much for the ethical and practical task of applying conflicting obligations to the complications of real situations.

Well, common sense certainly helps, Miss Manners admits. You just wouldn't want to be stuck with it alone in a strange situation where you don't want to offend people of whose customs you know little or nothing. But even then, it couldn't hurt. Common sense might have the sense to tell you to admit your ignorance and plead for etiquette instruction instead of bludgeoning your way through, unaware at the horrifying signals you may be sending.

So where is all that common sense in common situations, where it is so badly needed? Miss Manners is exasperated to find it in remarkably short supply when it comes to the simplest and most obvious matters.

Example No. 1: The failure to answer invitations, especially formal ones, usually issued for weddings, is as widespread as it is insulting to the hosts, for whom it has serious consequences.

Therefore, Miss Manners used to think that only the callous would omit doing this.

There are plenty of such folks around, who brazenly tell those kind enough to invite them that they have no way of knowing if they will feel like attending on that date. But there are others who seem genuinely puzzled about what to do. If a reply is not specifically requested, or there is no reply card enclosed, or it comes with a return envelope but no stamp, they figure that no reply is warranted. One Gentle Reader said that since she was not planning to go and the reply card asked for the number of people attending and a meal choice, she had not used it or otherwise answered the invitation.

Example No. 2: People who receive announcements of graduations, engagements, weddings or other happy events, when there is no invitation involved, ask Miss Manners whether they can ignore them or are obliged to give a present as if these are the only possible choices.

Example No. 3: Having received presents, sometimes in the form of checks, the recipients plead that the donors must realize that they are too busy to write letters of thanks, or that they have a year in which to do so, or that it would be offensive to do so at all, as this would imply that the generosity was calculated for an expected return in the way of gratitude.

And these are people who seem to mean well and are actively inquiring about what would be proper. Where, Miss Manners wonders, is their common sense?

Shouldn't it tell them that all social overtures require and deserve an answer? If a friend said, "Do you want to go to the movies tonight?" or a colleague suggested getting a cup of coffee, they might accept or decline -- but would they remain silent?

Do they also greet friends' happy news with silence? Don't they respond with congratulations?

If they send a present, are they ashamed of themselves as selfish if they want to know right away that it arrived and was appreciated?

Etiquette can supply the form and the frills for such responses. But it does need to build on some common sense.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it bad manners to be in a restaurant and, after a meal course, pile up your dishes to make it a bit easier for the waitress? Would they be insulted by this? My wife always does it, and I would think they would appreciate the help and thoughts.

GENTLE READER: Would you be insulted if one of your clients or customers pitched in and started doing your job for you?

Before you say, "Great, then I wouldn't have to do it," Miss Manners asks you to consider the possible results. Suppose that person bungled the job? Suppose the boss caught you foisting off your work?

You and your wife mean well, but piling plates is improper table service. And you wouldn't want the dining-room manager to think that you were reduced to piling up your plates because the waitress had neglected to clear them in good time.

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