"Causing a scene" is an etiquette felony.

The injunction against raising a ruckus in public was once so well understood that polite people had a hard time overcoming their proper inhibitions in cases of emergency. They had to reassure themselves that it was quite all right, under the right circumstances, to yell "Fire!" or "Help!" or "Watch out, there's a piano about to fall on your head!"

No longer. If you can't get on reality television, at least you can make a public scene.

What has long driven Miss Manners even wilder than she naturally is, is that many of the louts who make unnecessary scenes claim to be acting in the name of etiquette. Often they report to her how they detected a transgression and humiliated the transgressor with a whopping transgression of their own. Then they wait for Miss Manners to applaud.

And now we are seeing Act 2. Victims of rudeness who do not retaliate in kind (meaning rudeness, not kindness) feel the shame of a duty neglected, and expect Miss Manners to coach them back into the fray.

"I was sitting at a bar, minding my own business and enjoying a refreshing boisson," writes a Gentle Reader, "when a man sat down next to me, lit a cigarette, and began to blow smoke in my face and all over the rest of me.

"My first instinct was to move to another seat at the bar, where there were no smokers. However, the etiquette of this move was unclear to me. Should I just stand up and walk to a different seat with my drink, or should I excuse myself and then move, or should I tell him that I am moving because I don't like being poisoned by strangers in public places?"

A lady who was bawled out in the grocery store for leaving her cart in the middle of the aisle while she went to find plastic bags for her vegetables ruefully admitted that she had simply fled, not knowing what to say. "She was one of those loud-mouthed types, and I should have told her off when I had the chance."

"I'm trying to teach my kid good sportsmanship, and one of the fathers at his school boos visiting teams at the soccer games," a gentleman writes. "So I'm thinking of organizing the other fathers to boo him the next time he hogs the microphone at the parents' meeting."

"It was a perfect summer day, Red Sox in town, life couldn't be better," writes another Gentle Reader. "Except that the woman directly behind us never stopped talking for nine innings. She was some sort of baseball writer and let everyone for two rows know how important and connected to the players she is and how much she knows about the game. She never drew a breath until I thought I was going to go insane. Is that just part of life in being in a public area? Is there a polite way to ask someone to please shut up, if even for just a minute? Should we have moved and told her why?"

Miss Manners regrets having to say that yes, encountering rude people is a part of life in public areas. So are brawls in bars, shouting matches in grocery stores, derisive disruptions at meetings and fights in the bleachers.

But one can walk away rather than enter the fray. Because scenes often lead to violence, those who don't fight back seem oddly to fear the charge of cowardice. But they should not fear the even more bizarre charge of having taken up the very rudeness they deplore.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was called for jury duty recently. I realized, after I had been questioned by the judge with the usual suitability for jury service questions, that I was the only one of the group that had answered "Yes/No, sir," or "Yes/No, Your Honor" to his questions. No one else questioned before or after me used any sort of honorifics with the judge or the lawyers who were doing the questioning.

I was left wondering if my use of honorifics in this situation was possibly perceived as out of place or antiquated? I also reflexively address other people in positions of authority, such as police officers, as "sir" or "ma'am." Am I being excessively formal for today's societal norms?

GENTLE READER: A courtroom is not an informal venue, as you would find out if trouble, rather than civic duty, had brought you there. Judges have far stricter means of enforcing etiquette than poor Miss Manners, who can only plead and scold.

So while a judge is unlikely to overlook the omission of the polite form you used, showing respect for his authority is a really good idea.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a college student and often, when friends' parents are in town, they will offer to take out a group of their child's friends to a restaurant.

If I cannot attend, do I express my regrets to the son or daughter who did the inviting, or to the parents themselves, who would have done the paying?

If I accept the invitation, I generally feel it is good form to send a thank-you note to the parents -- after all, they bought me dinner. A roommate insists this is pretentious, and that warmly thanking them at the end of the meal or at our next meeting is sufficient. Who is correct?

I am 21, but many of my friends are not. Some parents have offered to buy me a glass of wine at dinner (when appropriate with our setting and meal). I certainly have no intention of drinking more than one glass or getting drunk, but is it inappropriate to accept a drink given the fact that some of my friends at the table cannot?

I generally do not assume that parents will pay the way of all of their children's friends at dinner, as the outing sometimes involves six or seven of us, and I have on occasion asked how much I owe or otherwise indicated upon the arrival of the check that I would certainly be willing to pay for my meal. Someone indicated that this may be offensive and shows that I don't think a family is well-off.

Am I being rude in my effort to be polite?

GENTLE READER: Pretentious? Rude? Does Miss Manners think that parents who receive a direct answer to their invitation and a letter of thanks are thinking, "Hummph! Who does she think she is?"

Your concern, rather, is what the other students think. What your friends are protesting is your proposing to do more than the minimum that the situation requires, which is to reply to the person who gave you the invitation and thank the hosts at the meal's end. You actually recognize that these people have done something gracious, and you want to be gracious in return.

When the others call it "pretentious," it means "I don't want to do it, so don't show me up." But why should you lower your standards to meet the common ones -- anymore than you should feel obliged to lower your age and forgo a legal drink?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When someone on the street offers me a flyer for something in which I know I have no interest, is it more polite to 1) take the flyer, as this is the person's job and he or she is trying to do it diligently, and then throw it away, or 2) decline the flyer so that it goes to someone who may be interested in it?

GENTLE READER: Giving out the flyers is only the physical aspect of the job. If that were all there was to it, this could be accomplished by handing them all to one (unsuspecting) person.

The purpose of the job is to get the word out to those who might be responsive. If you know in advance that you will never be persuaded to do whatever it is the flier asks you to do -- sign a petition, buy a product, or whatever else -- and yet want to help the distributor to accomplish his or her purpose, Miss Manners recommends saying "No, thank you," and moving on.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in need of advice as to the correct name or title I should use in requesting/inquiring about a possible position as a lady's maid. The description seems somehow unusual or out of date. Please allow me to explain.

One of the talents I possess is the ability to improve anyone's appearance. I have a cosmetology license, know textiles, and am very good with the details of dressing properly for any given occasion. I can do some hand sewing and ironing, and can send the person or object of my attentions out to meet the world in the best possible condition. I can make something out of nothing.

I dislike working a 9-to-5 job. Period. I have spent a lifetime caring for other humans and their needs. Now, perhaps it is time to start making a career (a paying one). When I send my letter of inquiry, should I request the position as a dresser?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners hardly knows whether she is sighing over this question because it would be so lovely to have a lady's maid or because it is so lovely that you take pride in having the skills to be one.

For a long time, there was a notion that all ladies were supposed to have such skills, at least in regard to themselves. There was also the odd notion that it was admirable to do these things for oneself but, along with cleaning house and rearing children, shameful to do them for someone else. Even now, when these services are more valuable than ever, they lack prestige, not to mention decent pay and working conditions.

A common way to combat this ridiculous injustice has been to make the titles of the belittled jobs into something that sounds more important. "Estate manager" for keeping house, for example.

It seems to Miss Manners as if doing this acknowledges that the job is not important and must be disguised. She supposes that you would do better offering yourself as a personal stylist or image maintainer than a lady's maid, but she thinks that a pity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am going to throw my husband a surprise 80th birthday party, but I don't want the guests to feel they have to give gifts and if they do I would like them to give to the place called HOSPICS, because I think they are a great place and do a great thing. We don't need hospices at this time, but might in the future.

How would I put that in the invitation? Or would I just not say anything and let him get gifts which he doesn't want or need?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is glad to be able to retreat here to the general rule that it is rude to look upon guests as a source of either goods or money, and no better when you want to use the money to do good.

Giving to charity is a wonderful impulse, but not when you are being so generous with other people's money. Whatever presents people give your husband will be his, however, and he is free to dispose of them in a charitable way.

This should save Miss Manners' having to mention that while the cause you mention is an excellent one, connecting it with the celebration of someone's 80th birthday is not a happy idea. Please find another way to offer it your support.

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