Having been congratulated for "attempting to preserve the etiquette of a bygone era," Miss Manners was wary. This is the kind of pat on the head that precedes, "Now go play quietly in the corner. The grown-ups are busy doing the real business of the world."

And here poor Miss Manners thought that a chief item on the real world's agenda was what is often referred to as restoring civility -- although it should also mean instituting civility in areas of behavior where it did not previously exist.

As with other aspects of our civilization, this involves both retaining wisdom and tradition from the past and developing and adapting rules for modern life. Like all responsible lawmakers, Miss Manners neither trashes nor freezes our heritage, but adapts it for changing conditions.

"has set the bar unrealistically high for our present social scene." As her object is to encourage people to treat one another better, why would she want to set such an impossibly high standard?

Because it works better than setting a low standard.

With a high standard, many fail to live up to the requirements, but a goodly number of people do live up to them. And those who do not are at least aware what should be done -- as we know from their indignation when others behave toward them the way they behave toward others.

When standards are lowered, as Miss Manners gathers the gentleman would prefer her to do, it is amazing how quickly they are lived down to, as it were. Indeed, in their zealousness to keep up, or rather down, with the new standard, great numbers of people soon bypass it altogether.

To use one of the gentleman's examples, which is a common one: "Certainly no one would write a thank-you note for a dinner when a phone call or an e-mail would suffice." Actually, thank-you letters for dinners are being handwritten, even from the gentleman's very own ZIP code (Miss Manners has spies everywhere). The current rule deems them necessary for serious entertainment and presents, while e-mail and telephone calls are sufficient as thanks for trivial favors.

Do many people fail to live up to this? Legions. But the number of people who thank by e-mail or telephone is vastly exceeded by the number of people who simply fail to thank.

If queried, those who use the halfway measure will argue that no one has time to write letters anymore, and those who omit thanking altogether will argue that it is so old-fashioned and that no one expects it. And if they are correct, then thanking should be changed or abolished.

Miss Manners will leave aside the question of whether there is less time available now than before our wealth of laborsaving devices were invented or whether we just choose to use it differently. It is undeniable that the acts that prompt thanks -- planning and making a dinner party, selecting and purchasing a present -- take more time than the few minutes to write a letter, and the time difference between using paper or using a computer or telephone is miniscule.

For a busy person to express proper gratitude for another busy person's kind generosity is not a requirement that will ever pass out of fashion.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What kind of apology is "I'm sorry I yelled at you, but you made me really mad"?

GENTLE READER: That is a Blame the Victim apology. Other examples would be "I regret that your nose got in the way of my fist" and "I'm sorry you are offended by my calling you a liar." However much they comfort the perpetrator, Miss Manners is afraid that they do nothing to mollify the victim.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a single man in my 20s who goes on many blind dates with women to whom I have been introduced by mutual friends. I often do not pursue a second date and had always assumed that the proper way to do that was not to call for another date. But a woman I went out with only once told me she was hurt and offended because I didn't call to tell her I would not be asking her out again.

I was shocked by her suggestion that it would be polite to specifically phone her to deliver an unsolicited rejection, and there was certainly no relationship to break off. It seems to me more polite and less hurtful to just not follow up when one has had only one casual meeting.

Of course, if I go out with a woman a few times and thus establish the beginnings of a friendship or relationship, I would always tell her honestly and directly if my intentions changed. But, when dating is just casual, under what circumstances is a breakup conversation called for?

GENTLE READER: Do you promise Miss Manners that your exit line on the date wasn't, "I'll call you"?

The meaning of that has long been a source of contention, as gentlemen believe it means "Goodbye," while ladies believe it means "I'll call you" and are mightily miffed when no such call is made.

There is also a dispute between those who want everything spelled out and those who can pick up simple, conventional social signals. Thanking a lady for a pleasant evening and saying goodnight with no mention of the future should make it clear enough that nothing more is planned.

In thinking she wanted more, the lady was hoping to spare herself a week or so of waiting for the telephone to ring. Miss Manners thinks she ought to consider how much longer the memory would last of having been told, however delicately, that she just wasn't all that interesting.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an odd question, or at least everyone I have asked thinks that it is. My grandmother had the habit of signing all of her correspondence "Mrs. John Brown." I always thought that this was terribly romantic and now that I am married would like to do the same.

I married a man who shares the same name as his father (e.g., John Doe Jr.). When I sign my married name, should I add the "Jr."? I would be embarrassed to confuse someone, who may think that I was married to my father-in-law instead of my husband.

GENTLE READER: What would be odd here would have been if your grandmother had actually signed her name as "Mrs. John Brown."

That is the way she would have been addressed formally, and she might have put it in parentheses under her signature on a business letter so that her correspondents would have known how to address her. But her signature would have been "Evangeline Brown." Those who disapprove of a lady's using her husband's full name do so on the grounds that it erases her identity, but it does not confiscate her given name entirely. Oh, and yes, you take the "Jr." along with his name as long as your father-in-law is alive.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: On several occasions, my husband has accused me of being rude because I am easily distracted by our children and not paying attention to his talk about work.

Although I would like to give him my undivided attention, he talks to me about his work using acronyms and engineering details knowing that I have no idea about what he is speaking. It is so boring and when our children interrupt to talk to me, it is natural to answer since I cannot follow what he is talking about anyway.

Do manners require that I must listen uninterrupted for, say, 15 minutes of boring talk when the person knows I cannot possibly understand? I love my husband, but wish he could talk about something interesting to both of us. He is hurt that I do not listen and I think he is rude for not considering that his talk is foreign to me.

GENTLE READER: You believe that your husband is rude for not realizing what a bore he is? For wanting to talk to you about his life's work? For expecting you to spare 15 minutes for him? Oh, and for not understanding that the children should feel free to interrupt him?

Have some free etiquette advice. Miss Manners assures you that it is more of a bargain than you will get from a divorce lawyer.

There is no more effective way to belittle and insult someone than to indicate that he bores you. We all encounter bores in life, but polite people find that when they cannot deter or avoid them, enduring a bit of boredom is better than inflicting humiliation.

And you are talking about your husband. Has it not occurred to you that you have an obligation to him -- not only to refrain from hurting him, but for taking an interest in him? If you do not understand the language of his profession, get him to teach it to you. If, for the sake of common courtesy, you fake an interest until you begin to understand, real interest is likely to follow.

Meanwhile, Miss Manners would like to suggest gently that you improve your own domestic job performance. You need to work on your scheduling so that you have uninterrupted time to talk to your husband without neglecting the children, and you need to teach them respect for their father as well as the manners not to barge in on others' conversation.

Depending on their ages, you might suggest that your husband explain his work to them as well. He is likely then to keep it simple. And if you find that the children and he are having an interesting time with this, Miss Manners begs you to remember not to interrupt them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to offer a teacup or mug filled with a hot beverage to a guest? It seems rude to hold the cup by the handle and force the guest to grab the hot cup itself, but I fear that trying to offer the guest the handle with my own hands on the hot cup could result in an embarrassing spill.

GENTLE READER: It's called a saucer.

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