DEAR MISS MANNERS: A 30-something friend's mother died in a traffic accident, at which his father was injured but recovered. Theirs had been a long and happy marriage.

On the one-year anniversary of her death, the family and friends held a celebratory memorial event, with dancing and speeches (the mother was a teacher of Scottish country dance). During the evening, my friend's father introduced him to his new girlfriend, a contemporary he met at dance class.

Was it appropriate for the girlfriend to come to the event as the father's "date"? (I can certainly see her attending if she was a friend or acquaintance of the deceased, but I have some difficulty finding it appropriate that she did so in the capacity of the "new woman.") And was it appropriate for the father to introduce her as the new woman in his life to his son at this event?

My friend found the whole thing rather traumatic. He is not opposed to his father finding someone new and likes the lady perfectly well, but would have preferred to meet her for the first time at an event not dedicated to the memory of his mother.

GENTLE READER: Where does your friend's father get his etiquette tips? From Hamlet's mother?

You may recall that when Hamlet told his friend about her marriage to his uncle soon after his father's death, he said she must have been guided by "Thrift, thrift, Horatio! the funeral bak'd meats did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables."

Combining mourning rites with irrelevant events is a terrible idea that a number of people seem to harbor. Every Christmas Miss Manners has to tell people that no, they should not put death announcements into their Christmas cards. But it is particularly vulgar when the new element has to do with romantic consolation for the bereaved, no matter how much is saved on the refreshments.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am fastidious in responding promptly to the sender of an invitation that contains an RSVP request, with one exception. From time to time I receive such an invitation from an institution or politician to whom I have given money in the past. The card to be returned usually gives me the choice of selecting from two options. One option is to say I can attend and that my check is enclosed. The other option allows me to say that I cannot attend, but that I am enclosing a check anyway.

The option of both not attending and not paying is not offered. I feel as if I am entitled to ignore any RSVP for an event that requires me to pay. Am I correct?

GENTLE READER: Nobody is as much of a stickler about answering invitations as Miss Manners, but yes, you are correct. No useful work would get done in the world if we all had to respond to mail solicitations for money with charming little notes explaining how terribly sorry we are not to have the honor of bankrolling them.

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Foreign languages have always been a problem for Americans. It is not just that we are thought to have a particularly hard time learning them, but that we are thought to have a particularly hard time understanding why foreigners speak them.

Miss Manners receives a great many letters on this subject, and invariably the complainant diagnoses the habit of speaking languages he or she does not understand as being deliberately rude. It is done, they claim, to make the person who does not speak the language feel left out, or to say something insulting about that person to his face without getting caught.

Miss Manners can think of other reasons people speak foreign languages in front of those who do not understand:

-- It is their country and their language, and they are very sorry (or not) that the visitor can't speak it; repeating himself, shouting, making funny gestures and getting exasperated is not going to help.

-- It is not the language of the country they are in, but it is the only language they know well enough to get across what they want to say.

-- It is a language they are learning and they want to practice it, even if they have to resort to doing so in a restaurant where the food is of the country whose language it is, but the waiter to whom they are speaking is not.

-- They want their children to learn the language, so they are deliberately tantalizing them.

-- They are speaking to others who know the language, and don't feel responsible for making themselves understood to people who are not party to the immediate conversation.

Miss Manners is well aware that all such situations refer to deep emotional issues. The responsibility to welcome strangers is opposed to the responsibility of the visitor or immigrant to learn the language of the country he or she is in. The responsibility not to exclude people who are present is opposed to the responsibility not to eavesdrop on private conversations. The need to practice must be posited against the need to avoid either showing off or trying others' patience. The inestimable value and charm of diverse cultures must be weighed against the likelihood of dangerous misunderstandings.

So we look into motivation to determine whether or not these situations are rude.

If the newcomer is making an effort, however rudimentary, to speak the local language, the locals are supposed to make an effort, however rudimentary, to help. To snub such efforts, or not to make them, is rude.

To carry on conversations when someone who should be part of them cannot understand is rude. In the case of those who marry into families where a foreign language is spoken, the rules apply about trying and helping. However, to object to others' speaking another language among themselves is rude, and to assume that they must be talking about oneself is arrogant, unless they are also pointing and giggling.

It should be noted, however, that parents are excused from speaking a foreign language in front of their own minor children if they make it clear to the child that they are talking either about him or about something scandalous. That is called education, and has inspired many a child to learn a foreign language.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Help. A male acquaintance of mine is dating a lovely lady and he has invited her to a ball that is the major social event of the season. He wants to know if he should offer to pay for her new gown and accessories, or if it is mannerly to offer to pay 50 percent of the cost. He really seems to think that there is a proper etiquette for this, and I've been trying to help him find out.

GENTLE READER: Your friend is either rich and cunning or naive and on his way to penury. He may mean well, but any lady would be insulted at the suggestion that he clothe her when taking her out.

Notice that Miss Manners said "any lady." She is well aware that many would not only accept but suggest that he include a fur wrap in case it turns chilly. It may be that he got the idea from someone who claimed she could not afford to go out with him without his giving her a clothing allowance.

Nevertheless, the fact remains that it is an indignity that should be neither offered nor accepted. Not to mention buying wardrobes is a financially ruinous way to date.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have offended my sister-in-law by talking about my day and not asking about hers. She hung up on me because she says I do this all the time.

She is probably correct, but I am used to my other friends just telling me without being prompted. I have apologized -- to an answering machine, as she would not take my call.

How do I handle this? I feel sick she feels I don't care, and really I am just busy and was excited about my day.

GENTLE READER: Your sister-in-law has a point. Or at any rate, she did before she lost all etiquette credibility by hanging up on you. You have no idea how hard it is on Miss Manners that those interested in the advance of etiquette so often consider themselves exempt from practicing it.

In extraordinary circumstances, one can blurt out "Guess what?" and give exciting news before inquiring about the other person. To do that all the time, and never to inquire about others, is the definition of a selfish boor.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was, years ago, a preschool teacher and nanny, and so am very good with children. Because I love them and miss working with them, my friends all know that if they have an emergency, or if their baby sitter cancels, they can call on me and I'm delighted to come watch the kiddies. I have no interest in being anyone's regular baby sitter; I have my own career. But it's fun to do occasionally.

Often, the people my friends are going out with will come by the house, either before or after the event. If my friends are in the room when I meet these people, it's no problem; introductions are made. More often than not, though, they're off checking on the kids, and so the guests and I meet on our own.

For me, I am meeting and chatting with friends of my friends, people I will no doubt be at a dinner party with at some point. For them, they are chatting with the hired help. Most of them aren't snobbish or anything; they are perfectly polite -- the way one should be to a friend's employee. But I can see them becoming uncomfortable when I help myself to a drink and ask them how they know our friends.

When our friends do finally reappear and introduce me (or don't, assuming I already have), their friends feel embarrassed. What can I say to people to make my position clear? Or should I just act like the employee they assume I am until an introduction can be made?

GENTLE READER: Why do you think that an introduction cannot be made when your hosts are absent?

Miss Manners realizes that things would be easier if your friends were there to say, "This is our dear friend Tori Bonnet, who rescued us when our baby sitter cancelled. She offered to stay with the children, who adore her. Isn't she wonderful? We only wish she were joining us, but unfortunately she can't do both at once."

But people who find themselves under the same roof without a host in sight are supposed to introduce themselves. You can't make it quite as glowing, but you can say, "I'm a friend of Mary's and Noah's, and I'm pinch-hitting for the baby sitter." They would then know that they should not ask you if you are free next Saturday and how much you charge by the hour.

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