DEAR MISS MANNERS: In a machine embroidery class, the shop owner told us that the proper way to use fine linen napkins is to insert "a very lovely paper napkin" (a "very lovely" example of an oxymoron, I would think!) inside a fold and instruct your guests (if they are so gauche they don't already know this!) that the paper napkin is used for the mouth and fingers.

The purpose of the linen napkin is to cover the lap! (Could this possibly be a custom in another country?)

I have inherited some lovely, hand-monogrammed, damask dinner napkins from my mother-in-law and, although I cringe inwardly if someone uses one with gusto, I cannot begin to imagine offering a paper napkin along with it. Her concern, of course, is that someone will stain something she has spent hours creating. Though I can understand her concern, I have found that pre-treating immediately and laundering soon after use handles any problem nicely. I would find it offensive if someone told me how to use my napkin!

GENTLE READER: Oh, no! Not another linen fetish! Don't people get enough spiritual satisfaction from worshipping guest towels without having to place napkins out of our reach as well?

Miss Manners hardly knows which is worse -- issuing instructions to guests or issuing them napkins that they are made to understand they are unworthy to use. If the lady giving out this advice in violation of etiquette rules and principles wants her guests to admire the napkins she made without using them, she should hang them on her walls in frames.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Recently, my sister gave me a lovely catered wedding shower. We were both appalled by the RSVP percentage. She ended up having to track people down via e-mail and then phone to see if they were coming to the party or not.

The part that really horrified me was that when my sister would finally contact one of the people who hadn't responded, they would act like it was somehow her bad manners to have asked them to respond in the first place. (I want to make clear that these reminders were upbeat and gentle.) The comments fell into several categories, but the most offensive was "I haven't decided yet, I might go to another party. You should relax." This was three days before the event.

Would it be too much to print the definition of RSVP and a brief explanation of how it is done, tongue-in-cheek style, on the back of the actual RSVP card for my wedding invitation? I can't afford to have the 40 percent no-response rate the shower had.

GENTLE READER: Every possible trick to get rude people to answer invitations has been tried without success. Threats, warnings and ready-made answers that only have to be checked off and mailed all have a dismal return.

As your sister discovered, shameless people cannot be shamed into behaving. Miss Manners strongly recommends that you cut your guest list to omit those who have already admitted to being so little interested in you as to fail to show you the most basic consideration.

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Certain people, like certain wines, do not travel well. And since they may be delicious when enjoyed on their home territory, their travel companions may not find this out until it is too late to turn back.

Rather than attempting to reform the manners of people who are on vacation and therefore not paying attention, Miss Manners will attempt advance arbitration. The good travelers are to make some allowances for quirks and grumbling, if the bad travelers agree to observe some boundaries.

For example, good travelers figure out their wardrobes ahead of time, all fetchingly coordinated around one basic color, with items that can be dressed up or down for any weather or occasion. What is more, they get it all into one carry-on suitcase, leaving the outside pocket free for the one large (but paperback) book that will last them the entire vacation.

Bad travelers can't imagine what they will want to wear or read, and throw in everything they can get their hands on without having thought to clean the clothes or sample the book beforehand. The good companion does not make a fuss about this, but is not responsible for carrying the bag (although a nice companion will relent and volunteer rather than watch the bad traveler have a heart attack staggering under the resulting load).

The good traveler shows up for transportation with enough time to avoid either rushing or eating unwanted pre-trip meals just to pass the time. If the bad traveler is in the habit of cutting the time too close, the good traveler's schedule takes precedence. But a bad traveler who gets so nervous as to leave unnecessary hours ahead of time should be indulged, provided these hours occur within the day of departure. The only retaliation the good traveler takes is to point out -- once -- how unnecessary and boring it was to arrive so early.

The good traveler expects a certain amount of discomfort and inconvenience, and uses it to fashion funny stories. The bad traveler should be allowed only an occasional litany of complaints, and must otherwise be content with composing letters of outrage to those deemed responsible.

The good traveler has a general idea of how to spend the time, but is open to suggestion and serendipity. The bad traveler has a firm idea of what everyone should do to get the most out of the trip, and should be allowed to follow it without harassing others to come along.

All travelers will spend some time exclaiming over the prices, food and cleanliness of the place they are visiting. The difference is that the good traveler talks about something else every once in a while.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a recent dinner with my partner and friends, one of the friends took great umbrage that I left some rather nice Pinot in my glass -- nowhere near full, I might add. He felt this was a major breach in etiquette.

Simple me, I figured dessert and Sambuca had arrived and didn't want any more wine. Persnickety? Or bad table manners?

GENTLE READER: Never -- repeat, never -- accept etiquette instruction from someone who has his nose in your wine glass. Nor from someone whose message, however worded, amounts to "Oh, come on, another little drinkie won't hurt you." Should this happen again, Miss Manners recommends pushing the glass toward the offender and saying, "Oh, all right, you can have it."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: While I believe you've clarified that inedible parts of food are discreetly taken out the way they went in (fork or fingers), with the exception that, although fish is eaten with a fork, the fingers are used to remove bones from the mouth, I wonder if that applies to seeds. In particular, watermelon seeds.

Is it proper to spit out the seeds if you're at a picnic outdoors? Should you pick out as many seeds as you can before trying to eat a melon with a fork, with a spoon or like a cookie? At many of the buffets I frequent, the melon is sliced to be eaten by hand. Can I "gently spit" the seeds into my hand before depositing them on my plate? Sadly, most of the watermelons I consume are not seedless.

GENTLE READER: That's only sad if nobody ever invites you to a watermelon-spitting contest.

Until that happy time, you cannot practice spitting, even if you have not been issued any utensils with which to pick out the seeds. But perhaps Miss Manners is only quibbling over the word. You can deposit the seeds into your cupped hand, but the wind power necessary to do so must not be audible.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We invited 16 (adult) guests for a barbecue for the Fourth of July. We had hors d'oeuvres first, then I was making hamburgers and hot dogs, of course, and also ordered chicken and ribs from a local restaurant. There was plenty of food!!!

The chicken and ribs arrived about 20 minutes before I was ready to serve everything. One of my male guests came into the kitchen, went to the stove where the food was wrapped up and started picking at the chicken. I asked him if he could please wait till I was able to serve everything at once and this way we could all eat together.

He looked at me and said, "In my house, the guest is KING, and can do what they want."

Needless to say, I felt horrible, and apologized. I would always want a guest to feel comfortable in my home, yet I still felt that he was somewhat rude to keep picking at the food before I was ready to serve it. (Yes, he continued to take the chicken.) Who was right in this situation?

GENTLE READER: A less polite personage than Miss Manners would be tempted to try to exercise royal privileges at this person's house. You may be sure you would then hear no more about the guest being king. Instead, it would be "A man's home is his castle."

As with many adages, neither is quite true. Hosts are supposed to provide for the comfort of their guests, but guests are supposed to take or feign comfort in whatever is offered, however and whenever it is offered.

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