DEAR MISS MANNERS: A year ago, I was invited to my boyfriend's family member's bridal shower on an invitation sent to his mom at his house (I do not live there with them). I was never made aware of the invitation (my boyfriend forgot to tell me), and therefore did not attend.

I found out at the wedding that I was invited to the shower and had missed it. Now I have been invited to another member's shower in the same manner, but this time my boyfriend informed me of the occasion.

I'm glad I actually found out about the event this time around, but was a little upset by the way they have gone about inviting me. Is this appropriate? I feel like they must not care much to have me there if they can't even take the time to get my address and send me my own invitation.

GENTLE READER: This is a version of what Miss Manners thinks of as the Appendage Invitation. That horrid designation "and guest," which is stuck on otherwise formal invitations, is in the same category. It means "bring someone along if you feel like it, and we don't much care who it is."

If you want to make a point of this, Miss Manners suggests taking it up with the gentleman in question. Leaving aside whether he actually delivers such invitations to you, you could ask him to request the family to invite you directly. Or you could just not attend these events, taking the gamble that he or they will miss you enough to figure out that they never quite invited you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother and I were wondering what a woman's role is in this day and age (feminine liberation) during the playing of the national anthem.

I am an active-duty soldier, so my role is clear. I salute. But as a civilian, my mother is confused. When she was growing up, it was proper for men to remove their hats and place them over their hearts. Women kept their hats on, and covered their hearts with their hand.

After attending several of my military functions, my mother has been berated by many people for not removing her headgear during the national anthem. She has been involved in many heated arguments about this topic, and we thought it would be best to write to you, because she isn't so sure that she is right anymore.

GENTLE READER: In rushing to defend your mother against those who are rude enough to berate her, Miss Manners was picturing a dear lady wearing a pretty afternoon dress with a flowered hat. Then it occurred to her that your mother, however dear, might have happened to be wearing a workout suit and a baseball cap.

It makes a difference. There is no change in the rule that a lady does not remove her ladylike hat. But the rule does not apply to unisex hats, as you know in regard to your uniform. Such hats must be removed during the national anthem and not worn indoors.

However, the rule against berating others applies to everyone and it is not subject to change.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have just hosted the fourth get-together with friends and work acquaintances where invitations clearly stated BYOB and no one brought any beverages.

In college and the years just after, when we wanted to have a party, someone would volunteer their house or apartment for the place and everyone would bring something to eat and something to drink. Those were the days of the "What do I bring besides chips and dips?" quandary. Occasionally, there would be a get-together where someone would provide, for example, a keg of beer, and everyone would bring something to go on the barbecue grill. There were always a few who neglected to provide for themselves, but others' generosity covered them and a good time was had by all.

More recently, I have offered both place and food for socializing. I clean the house, and I plan, purchase, prepare and present food for a number of people and their partners, parents and occasional guests. On the invitation it is clearly stated BYOB -- and yet I find myself leaving my party to make a frantic run to the closest grocery store for beverages.

We are all in the same socioeconomic strata. I have taken care of the expense and trouble of the food. Yet purchasing a liter bottle of soda or a six-pack of beer seems to be asking too much.

I have tried to let it go, but it is really beginning to bother me and I do not wish to think ill of anyone. I cannot afford to supply everything all the time and do not wish to discontinue socializing. Please advise me.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners' advice is to face the fact that you and your peers have outgrown the BYOB party. This is a collegiate and internship form, suitable for people who have not yet mastered adult housekeeping and whose finances are so close to the edge that they cannot wait for the costs of socializing to be shared through eventual reciprocation.

True, your guests should not have accepted your invitation without accepting the terms you stated. But as you seem to have violated the social terms shared by your circle, let us call it a draw. The way to entertain them without buying drinks is to invite your guests to brunch, a picnic or tea.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The impending Fourth of July holiday, and all of the patriotic delicacies included with it, happen to fall right in the middle of the restrictive phase of a diet that I am participating in.

I have been invited to a barbecue and would like to go; however, I am convinced that there will not be any food there that I am allowed to eat. Would it be rude to bring my own food that is acceptable for my diet, or should I take my chances with the food that is there?

GENTLE READER: Neither. Democracy only works when people can pursue their individual needs and desires without violating the prerogatives of others. Miss Manners knows a simple way for you to eat your own food without usurping the hosts' function of providing food: Eat before you go.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently attended a black-tie scholarship awards dinner. I noticed that many women attending the event placed their purses on the table. Is this correct?

Did I commit a faux pas by placing my purse at my feet? I've never placed my purse on a table during a meal, no matter how informal the event, so please let me know if I have been incorrect.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners can assure you that you are correct in thinking that a purse should not be parked on a dining table. Especially if it is one of those whimsical evening purses in the shape of an apple or a chicken.

The correct place to park it is on the lady's lap. From there -- because the lady is wearing a soft evening fabric, and even high heels do not raise her knees sufficiently to have them serve as a barrier -- it slips to the floor. You seem to have put yours on the floor purposely, but the effect is the same.

The difficulty is in retrieving it. Ladies do not belong under the table, for whatever reason. It is therefore necessary to exclaim to one's dinner partner, "Oh, dear, I seem to have dropped my purse" and hope that he will stoop to the occasion.

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