DEAR MISS MANNERS: At the risk of sounding jaded, weddings appear to me to have become a mere festivity where some unfortunate host is required to entertain a sometimes large number of guests at increasingly outrageous costs. Not caring if we impress society or "keep up with the Joneses," my fiance and I have opted for an intimate, religious ceremony with a family dinner to follow.

In keeping with the spirit of the event, we would like to send handwritten invitations to the dozen or so invited guests. I had always been told "personal stationery" should be used for such invitations, but the half-dozen or so shops I have contacted have told me that "personal stationery" would bear my name, or my fiance's name, at the top of the page, and would therefore probably not be suitable for an invitation.

Somehow, this just feels like another money-pit scam on the part of folks who sell wedding accessories. When did hand-writing invitations become less proper than having expensive ones printed? Is it somehow necessary to spend a fortune, hire a calligrapher or have something printed up to be socially correct? Please let me know what is proper etiquette for wedding invitations.

GENTLE READER: While it is a novelty for Miss Manners to find someone even more jaded about the bridal industry than she is, let's not overdo it. There are lots of reasons other than social climbing that people give expensive weddings. Such as having too much money lying around.

It is certainly not propriety that requires this outlay. Even for a formal wedding, handwritten invitations would be highly proper, engraved ones being commonly used only because of the volume (and the unfortunate state of handwriting). But as your wedding is informal, the invitations should not be done formally, in the third person, but as letters from you, your fiance or your parents. Thus the personal paper would be that of the letter writer, although plain, unmarked paper is always also correct.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of our office staff members is going through a very rough time right now, trying to pass a kidney stone. We have offered all kinds of humorous suggestions on ways to relieve her pain and discomfort just to try to keep her spirits up. This has been going on now for several weeks.

Several times during the day, she feels the need to bring us up to date on her condition. She explains in graphic detail how she feels, where she believes the stone has moved to, and all the medicine she is taking and how it is affecting her at work. This includes every time she is the least bit nauseated.

We certainly are sincere in asking her how she is feeling and in wanting her to pass this stone so that she won't have to endure this pain and suffering. But we need some relief ourselves from all the gruesome details. What would be the correct way to handle this situation without hurting her feelings?

GENTLE READER: By stopping the jokes and pleading your own illness. You can still inquire kindly after her health, but then stop the recital by saying, "I feel for you so much, but I'm afraid I'm too squeamish to hear this." If this doesn't work, Miss Manners suggests putting your hand over your mouth and flashing a sympathetic look as you slowly retreat. If you could also manage to turn green, that would help.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Recently I rented a vacation house with some friends. I've known him for several years but do not know his wife well. She is purportedly a former debutante from an old moneyed family. Her sister and I were to share a room.

On the second day, I returned from an outing and discovered that the wife had exchanged their room for ours because she liked it better. I know it's not a big deal, but this really got me steamed. Had I been asked I would have offered my room. I acted as though nothing had happened so as not to put a damper on the holiday.

Did I do the right thing, or was I too complacent? Is this typical deb behavior? My impoverished and illiterate grandparents had an innate graciousness and I can't imagine them acting in a similar fashion.

GENTLE READER: You were so gracious in letting this brazenly rude act pass that Miss Manners hates to deprive you of the comfort of class warfare.

But as your grandparents might have been able to attest, false associations of money and manners can cut both ways. The usual way is to disparage the poor, on the incorrect assumption that what counts is not graciousness but particular knowledge of esoteric manners they have no occasion to use.

The lady was rude. Why should you want to give her the excuse of attributing it to an over-privileged childhood?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for the office of a U.S. senator, where I am often in the position of writing letters to children. While it seems natural to address a little girl as "Miss Harris," it seems strange to address a little boy as "Mr. Johnson." The appellation "Master Johnson" appears to have fallen out of use in this country. We use the boy's first name in the body of the letter ("Dear Tommy"), but how should we address the envelope?

GENTLE READER: Would there be anything wrong with allowing youngsters to feel that they have a dignified senator who treats them with serious respect? "Master" is still used, although rarely, and perfectly appropriate. Alternatively, "mister," which seems strange to you in this context, may seem thrilling to the young master.

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Have we switched to the barter system?

People have come to believe that they must pay their way through life by handing over presents on every possible social occasion, and a great many professional ones.

They fear that they are obligated to buy presents for people they hardly know and to celebrate occasions they don't plan to attend. Sometimes, as when anyone who is getting married has managed to get hold of their home address, they feel they must make multiple offerings -- for an engagement party, one or several showers, the wedding and any parties given before or after in the couple's honor. And by that time, the anniversary, renewal of vows or a baby present becomes due.

Dismayed by the prospect of all that planning and shopping, they try to buy their way out by handing over cash, or that barely disguised and less useful substitute for cash, the gift certificate. Or they implore the intended recipients to tell them what to buy (which doesn't take much imploring these days; often none at all, as the recipients are raring to take the lead). Or they ask poor Miss Manners to tell them what to get for people she doesn't know and occasions to which she isn't even invited.

What does not seem to occur to them is that many of these obligations are not obligations at all. In many cases, all that has to be done to slash the list is to substitute a gesture that is more proper and often easier and less expensive.

Presents are absolutely required for a child's birthday party, shower, graduation or wedding that one actually attends.

Miss Manners surely does not want to discourage anyone prompted by affection to give presents anyway, only to point out that they are not obligatory.

Also recommended are presents when visiting a newborn child, staying with someone overnight, and attending adult birthday parties and housewarmings. On personal or religious holidays at which presents are customarily exchanged, presents are only obligatory when it is an established exchange, and when the recipient has always expressed the proper thanks.

If this sounds like a lot, consider what is missing from the list: engagement presents; presents for newborns if you have already given a shower present; presents for dinner parties; presents for weddings or other occasions that you do not attend; presents to work colleagues whom you do not see socially; presents to people who never give them; and presents to people who never acknowledge them.

Except for the last three categories, there should be circumstances in which you actually want to give presents. Moved by a surge of affection or the pleasure of finding exactly what you know will please someone should inspire non-obligatory generosity, and might do so all the more when the burden of obligation is lightened.

But here is the price for lightening that load: When people invite you, you always have to give them a timely response. If you do not go to a celebration, you must send congratulations. If you accept hospitality or presents, you must give thanks and reciprocate. Miss Manners assures you that you will still be saving a bundle.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law and I disagree on a point of etiquette. What is the proper thing to do with one's napkin at the conclusion of a dinner? I believe that the polite thing to do is to fold it up and place it in front of one, but my sister-in-law disagrees.

GENTLE READER: You both probably think this is a simple question with a simple answer -- that Miss Manners will say either, "Nah, just throw it on the floor," or "Aren't you going to iron it before you refold it?"

No such luck. Like so much else in the wonderful world of etiquette, it depends. If you are at home or a houseguest, you do refold your napkin, as -- unless there is a full-time laundress on staff -- you will probably be re-using it until it is too food-stained to face. If you are dining out, you should avoid implying that your napkin will be examined and passed on to the next unsuspecting diner, so you leave it by your plate neatly crumpled, if you can imagine such a thing.

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