DEAR MISS MANNERS: Recently I rented a vacation house with some friends. I've known him for several years but do not know his wife well. She is purportedly a former debutante from an old moneyed family. Her sister and I were to share a room.

On the second day, I returned from an outing and discovered that the wife had exchanged their room for ours because she liked it better. I know it's not a big deal, but this really got me steamed. Had I been asked I would have offered my room. I acted as though nothing had happened so as not to put a damper on the holiday.

Did I do the right thing, or was I too complacent? Is this typical deb behavior? My impoverished and illiterate grandparents had an innate graciousness and I can't imagine them acting in a similar fashion.

GENTLE READER: You were so gracious in letting this brazenly rude act pass that Miss Manners hates to deprive you of the comfort of class warfare.

But as your grandparents might have been able to attest, false associations of money and manners can cut both ways. The usual way is to disparage the poor, on the incorrect assumption that what counts is not graciousness but particular knowledge of esoteric manners they have no occasion to use.

The lady was rude. Why should you want to give her the excuse of attributing it to an over-privileged childhood?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for the office of a U.S. senator, where I am often in the position of writing letters to children. While it seems natural to address a little girl as "Miss Harris," it seems strange to address a little boy as "Mr. Johnson." The appellation "Master Johnson" appears to have fallen out of use in this country. We use the boy's first name in the body of the letter ("Dear Tommy"), but how should we address the envelope?

GENTLE READER: Would there be anything wrong with allowing youngsters to feel that they have a dignified senator who treats them with serious respect? "Master" is still used, although rarely, and perfectly appropriate. Alternatively, "mister," which seems strange to you in this context, may seem thrilling to the young master.

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Have we switched to the barter system?

People have come to believe that they must pay their way through life by handing over presents on every possible social occasion, and a great many professional ones.

They fear that they are obligated to buy presents for people they hardly know and to celebrate occasions they don't plan to attend. Sometimes, as when anyone who is getting married has managed to get hold of their home address, they feel they must make multiple offerings -- for an engagement party, one or several showers, the wedding and any parties given before or after in the couple's honor. And by that time, the anniversary, renewal of vows or a baby present becomes due.

Dismayed by the prospect of all that planning and shopping, they try to buy their way out by handing over cash, or that barely disguised and less useful substitute for cash, the gift certificate. Or they implore the intended recipients to tell them what to buy (which doesn't take much imploring these days; often none at all, as the recipients are raring to take the lead). Or they ask poor Miss Manners to tell them what to get for people she doesn't know and occasions to which she isn't even invited.

What does not seem to occur to them is that many of these obligations are not obligations at all. In many cases, all that has to be done to slash the list is to substitute a gesture that is more proper and often easier and less expensive.

Presents are absolutely required for a child's birthday party, shower, graduation or wedding that one actually attends.

Miss Manners surely does not want to discourage anyone prompted by affection to give presents anyway, only to point out that they are not obligatory.

Also recommended are presents when visiting a newborn child, staying with someone overnight, and attending adult birthday parties and housewarmings. On personal or religious holidays at which presents are customarily exchanged, presents are only obligatory when it is an established exchange, and when the recipient has always expressed the proper thanks.

If this sounds like a lot, consider what is missing from the list: engagement presents; presents for newborns if you have already given a shower present; presents for dinner parties; presents for weddings or other occasions that you do not attend; presents to work colleagues whom you do not see socially; presents to people who never give them; and presents to people who never acknowledge them.

Except for the last three categories, there should be circumstances in which you actually want to give presents. Moved by a surge of affection or the pleasure of finding exactly what you know will please someone should inspire non-obligatory generosity, and might do so all the more when the burden of obligation is lightened.

But here is the price for lightening that load: When people invite you, you always have to give them a timely response. If you do not go to a celebration, you must send congratulations. If you accept hospitality or presents, you must give thanks and reciprocate. Miss Manners assures you that you will still be saving a bundle.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law and I disagree on a point of etiquette. What is the proper thing to do with one's napkin at the conclusion of a dinner? I believe that the polite thing to do is to fold it up and place it in front of one, but my sister-in-law disagrees.

GENTLE READER: You both probably think this is a simple question with a simple answer -- that Miss Manners will say either, "Nah, just throw it on the floor," or "Aren't you going to iron it before you refold it?"

No such luck. Like so much else in the wonderful world of etiquette, it depends. If you are at home or a houseguest, you do refold your napkin, as -- unless there is a full-time laundress on staff -- you will probably be re-using it until it is too food-stained to face. If you are dining out, you should avoid implying that your napkin will be examined and passed on to the next unsuspecting diner, so you leave it by your plate neatly crumpled, if you can imagine such a thing.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: The father of my 13-year-old daughter recently had another child with another woman. He and I live next door to each other. For nine months he and his new girlfriend walked around my daughter and never told her that she was pregnant.

His girlfriend practically lives next door with him, his mother and his brother. He just came home one day with the girlfriend and a baby. My daughter was there, taking a nap. My daughter saw the baby and he still didn't say a word to her about the baby until the next day.

Now, his mother consistently calls this baby her little sister, yet the entire family hid this from my daughter for nine months. Not one family member so much as mentioned it. They see my daughter almost every day. I think it was awful not to tell her and prepare her, considering she has been an only child for 13 years.

Now the girlfriend is having a baby shower and my daughter's father asked her to attend. I think it was awful not to tell her about the baby after all this time and now he wants her to come to the baby's shower and celebrate her birth.

I also would like to know what etiquette says about having baby showers. Isn't it inappropriate to have a baby shower for a fourth child? This is the girlfriend's fourth baby by four different men. My daughter's father is the fourth father. Her children are ages 9, 3 and 1, and 3 weeks old.

I think it's pretty tacky. What do you think? Do you think I should let my daughter go to the shower and be around all of those tacky people?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners congratulates you on reducing this morass to two etiquette technicalities. Unfortunately, she fails to see how it is going to help you to have it confirmed that, strictly speaking, baby showers are supposed to be given for a first child and siblings should be informed of an imminent arrival.

You are not going to shock these people into proper behavior with such quibbles. The real issue is whether you are willing to ignore their transgressions, big and small, for the sake of letting your child have some sort of relationship with her father.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A recent dinner party guest (a new acquaintance) e-mailed me afterward to complain that she had not enjoyed the evening and that she felt efforts had not been made to include her in the conversation. Although I regret that I seem to have been neglectful as a hostess, I cannot help but feel that her complaint was incorrect -- and it's rather put me off having dinner parties. Is it ever appropriate for one to complain to one's host? And how should a host respond to such a complaint?

GENTLE READER: Oh, so that's what's happened to the thank-you letter! It survives as a performance review.

Miss Manners assures you that you do not owe this person a letter of thanks for pointing out your shortcomings. Crossing her off your guest list should be response enough. If you must get in a jibe, the way to do it is to write back saying that you are so sorry to have given her an unpleasant evening and will surely never do so again.

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