DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have always enjoyed entertaining, and I am not willing to give up on parties, but I want to protect us and particularly my husband from insults.

My husband has begun his own business and is working very long hours to build it up. I am winding down my career, and am very happy to take on the chief responsibility for our continued parties and dinners, so he can get some rest.

But apparently our new arrangement is not acceptable. One woman, a very long-time friend, pointed out at two recent dinner parties that my husband hadn't helped to put on the dinner. Her tone was very hostile. We did not invite her to our last party and did not accept a recent invitation from her, just saying we had other plans. (I have thought of calling her personally, but am not sure how that would go.) Another friend has commented, but fortunately only to me and not at the dinner table.

I don't want to keep limiting my invitation list, and would also like to avoid having to explain or apologize for our new shift. My husband is very sensitive about "being insulted in his own house." Is there anything you can suggest?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is old enough to remember when this sort of insult was commonplace -- with one small difference. It was a husband who did cook, clean or otherwise participate in running the household at whom scorn and scolding were then directed.

Doing so was rude then, and it is rude now. To chastise one's hosts is unspeakable, and to interfere in how wife and husband choose to run their household and their lives makes it even less speakable, as it were.

While such impertinence is ample reason for striking someone from your guest list, busybodiness is rampant, and Miss Manners doesn't want to kill your social life. The alternate choice is to defend him, but not by saying, "Oh, I don't mind," which would only make it worse. Say, "He and I divide our work as we see fit. I'm sorry it displeases you, but that is the way we do things."

Anyone who fails to fall into an embarrassed silence, but rather continues by telling you how you should do things, really must be dropped.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I stopped at a restaurant where the hostess asked for a name for our party.

Instead of writing the name I told her, she wrote an obscenity that sounds similar to my husband's last name. There were several other restaurants nearby, so my husband and I chose to leave.

Would it have been more proper to tell the hostess, "Excuse me, but that obscenity you wrote is not the name of our party," to point at the obscenity and ask her to cross it off her list, or to stick around and snicker with the rest of the guests when the name was announced?

GENTLE READER: They wouldn't just snicker -- they would whip around to see who it was who had such a name. And what would you do then? Take a bow?

Of course you should have corrected the hostess. Miss Manners requires people to give -- or to pretend to give -- others the benefit of the doubt when there is a possibility of an honest mistake. But as she has her doubts about this one, she would have allowed you to say it in an icy tone.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We all know that pointing is impolite, but could you clarify: does this pointing include all pointing or just pointing at people (or where it may be perceived that one is pointing at a person)? In other words, is it acceptable to point at the lamp on the mantle or a difficult-to-pronounce or unknown word on a menu?

GENTLE READER: This rule is designed to protect against "Oops, they're talking about me" and "Would you mind getting your finger away from my eye?" In other words, it only prohibits pointing to or toward people. Miss Manners would like to point out that it is not wrong to point as an accompaniment to "That lamp is about to fall off the mantle piece!" or "I'll have that for dessert, but I'm not even going to try to pronounce it."

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My girlfriend has a close friend who strongly disapproves of me and of my relationship with my girlfriend. (I'm not real crazy about him, either.) My own view is that, under such circumstances, he and I both have an obligation to my girlfriend to try to get along with each other, for her sake.

In that regard, I have tried repeatedly to bury the hatchet and be at least coolly civil to him, although it is highly unlikely that he and I will ever actually get along. His response to this has been to refuse to speak to me.

My letters to him go unanswered, and whenever he has something he wants to say to me -- regardless of the nature of the communication -- he insists on relaying it through my girlfriend. To this day, he has never once spoken to me directly.

I have tried to explain to my girlfriend (and to him, through her) that refusing to speak to someone is an extremely grave insult -- perhaps the worst insult that one human being can give to another one -- but she doesn't understand what I mean, and she insists that I "must be lying" when I say that.

That being the case, would Miss Manners be so kind as to explain that his behavior is, indeed, a serious insult to me, and why the insult is so profound? Or, conversely, she may explain why I am wrong in feeling the way I do, in which case I will gladly apologize to him.

GENTLE READER: You are quite right that shunning is one of the worst insults one person can offer another. The premise is that the ignored person is scarcely human and that nothing he has to say is of any value.

But do you know what insult is right up there with it?

Calling someone a liar. You can say that someone might be mistaken, you can quarrel with interpretations, but when you say the other person is lying, it, too, means that his word is worthless.

As it is the lady in question who called you a liar, Miss Manners suggests that you air that issue before worrying about her friend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This has been broached by you, but never answered: When visiting a professional, e.g., a dentist or physician, the staff (without introductions!) calls me "Mary." The said professional comes in and says, "How are you, Mary? I am Dr. Smoot." This irritates me on several levels:

I am a professional PAYING this person for a service. If we are on first-name basis, why am I not told, "Hi, Mary, I am Joe -- the dentist"?

Since I despise inequity and I AM paying this dude -- shall I just return the first-name salutation or tell him and his staff that I prefer "Ms. Smith"?

When I AM called by my last name, I am often called Mrs., although I have preferred "Ms." for most of my 50 years. (Please note that I addressed this to MISS Manners, knowing your preference!) HELP! The older I get, the crankier I am about such things.

GENTLE READER: Never answered? Where have you been?

Miss Manners does not broach and run.

Familiarity that is uneven, unauthorized and unwelcome has been one of the perennial problems since Miss Manners took up this august calling. Most offenses are committed by people who claim they are "just being friendly" in a situation where friendship is clearly not in the offing.

You need only say pleasantly, "I prefer to be called Ms. Smith," and ask the receptionist to make a note of this on your record.

: