DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently made my first visit to a foreign country where the language, customs and general comportment were different from what I expect as an American.

Of particular concern to me was how I should behave when confronted with something I found unpleasant, uncomfortable or rude. Some of the examples are minor and probably stem from language difficulties, as when a waiter says, "Wine, lady?" Others are more extreme. A man on a city street blocked my path to try to sell me something and wouldn't take "No, gracias" for an answer. A man asked my husband in front of me if he would like to buy his "other wife." A waiter seemed confused that I was bothered by finding hair in my food.

As polite behavior precludes accosting strangers on the street, I was unprepared for all of this. What would Miss Manners suggest for my next trip?

GENTLE READER: A different country.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What are the rules for (not) accompanying one's significant other to funerals, weddings and other emotionally charged social functions?

My beloved recently lost an uncle whom she had not seen in 15 or 20 years. By all accounts, the man was a jerk -- abusive to his family, addicted to painkillers, with vague mob connections (really). My partner never liked the man, but because she knew him as a child and is in touch with the deceased's children, she plans to attend the memorial service.

Here is the problem: My partner was upset that I did not offer to accompany her to the funeral, which is out of town. I never met the man. Given that I did not know the deceased and barely know his family, along with the lack of close relationship between my partner and the deceased, why would my absence, particularly for an out-of-town funeral, be a big deal?

If the person who died had been one of his children whom I've met, of course I would go to the funeral. I would not expect my partner to attend out-of-town funerals of my distant relatives or of family friends whom she never met, regardless of the relationship I had to the deceased. But are husbands/wives/partners required to accompany each other to all such events? I could use some guidelines!

GENTLE READER: There is nothing wrong with the guidelines you have, except that you only have one set. Miss Manners is afraid that the situation calls for using one you don't seem to have.

The factors that should influence whether to attend a funeral are the nature of the tie between you and the deceased and the degree of affection or respect you have for that person. If the tie is strong enough, there need not be respect; if the respect is great, you need not have much of a direct tie. On those grounds, you would be right about not attending the funeral of someone you neither know nor respect.

However, the other set of guidelines has to do with the feelings of the person to whom you do have ties and for whom you feel affection. This is easier than weighing factors. All you have to ask is, "Honey, do you want me to go with you?" and abide by the answer.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I wish to surprise my wife and renew our wedding vows. It just so happens that my daughter is also getting married. She and I were talking and we thought, "Why not renew them at the rehearsal after my daughter is done with her practice?"

My wife would be very surprised.

The first thing is, should we tell anyone other than the people who will be there, or keep it quiet? Second, I am already paying for some of the people to eat at the rehearsal dinner and there is no way to pay for more. How would I tell the others that if they want to come to the dinner, they will have to pay for themselves?

GENTLE READER: You seem to be full of surprises. Perhaps some of these people will have surprises for you.

Miss Manners might have thought that a lady would want to participate in the decision about repeating her vows, rather than have it sprung on her in front of others, but you and your daughter presumably know your wife well enough to predict a favorable reaction. There are some ladies who, when neither consulted about the idea nor warned about the timing, would take the opportunity to see about canceling the vows they had already made.

Another surprise could come from those whom you invite to attend your family celebration on condition that they pay their own way. No matter how you tell them that they will not be among your real guests, you may discover that they are not interested enough in your family occasions to pay admission to attend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While it has never really seemed to be an issue, I have always wondered about the proper action to take when a door opens away from you. Should one push open the door and let his date walk through first, or should he walk through first and then hold the door?

GENTLE READER: Stand near the hinged edge of the door and push. The door, that is -- not the lady. That would make it an issue.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have accepted and enjoyed dinner on three occasions at a friend's home. Each time we presented a hostess gift upon arrival, and sent a proper handwritten thank-you note the following day. We have never invited this couple to our home for dinner.

Is it required that we entertain this couple, or have we fulfilled our obligation by taking a hostess gift and writing a thank-you note? We appreciate their invitations, but we do not wish to entertain them in our home.

GENTLE READER: Why not, since you apparently enjoy their company enough to keep accepting their invitations? Do they destroy the furniture when they turn jolly, and you don't mind as long as it is their own? Or do you simply prefer to have them serve you without your having to exert yourselves on their behalf?

Your thanks are obligatory and the optional little presents you bring are nice, but neither constitutes payment of your social debt. Miss Manners believes that what you are doing is popularly known as freeloading.

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When it comes to forgiveness, etiquette falls short of the sainthood standard. This is always a shock to those who insist on defining etiquette as "always making others feel comfortable," which is such a plausible explanation for not practicing it.

Even Miss Manners agrees that perpetual self-sacrifice is too high a standard to use in navigating the vicissitudes of life. But acknowledging that is a low excuse for eschewing the practice of etiquette, which has a higher-than-natural standard, if not a saintly one.

Etiquette does, indeed, insist that everyone be treated with respect and dignity. It bans rudeness, even on provocation, and the ban extends to using knowledge of etiquette to point out the lapses of others. It requires providing comfort for the guest, in the way of pillows and nibbles, and comfort in the way of sympathy and helpfulness for the afflicted and the bereaved. In that it requires overlooking unintentional faults, it also comforts the well-meaning who might otherwise suffer from self-inflicted embarrassment.

But it has its limits. It does not invite people who make themselves comfortable by stepping on others to make themselves more comfortable.

Thus it is that Miss Manners, who so often counsels forgiveness, occasionally admits to being fed up.

Yes, you must forgive the guest who spilled wine on your rug, even though he never should have parked the glass on the floor (especially since the wine was red). Yes, you must forgive the old friends who can't stop talking about their baby, especially if they tolerated your talking about your wedding. You should also forgive your family for any offenses, short of the criminal, and declare a statute of limitations on using these to bolster subsequent grievances.

But there are simpler cases. Here are some Miss Manners found she could polish off without a qualm:

"An old friend has written, telling me all the things she hates about my partner (whom she really doesn't know) and about my being with him, as well as a few details about myself that she finds abhorrent," reports a Gentle Reader.

"She says she hopes we can get a fresh start on our friendship. I'm flummoxed. I'm not going to ditch my partner for my friend, nor will I modify my life in the other ways she would prefer. I feel disloyal accepting these terms, but I'm not sure I want to completely write off the friendship. What help can etiquette give me?"

Another Gentle Reader reports that a friend declared her wedding present to the friend's daughter to be "quite frankly, tacky" and not in the bride's style. "I was hurt, but offered to buy something else more to the bride's liking if she would return the gift to me. Several weeks later, the bride sent a thank-you note for the gift. I thought all must be well, and forgot about it.

"Four months later, after a social gathering, my friend presented me with the offending gift, saying that her daughter did not like the gift, and did not want it. I took it back, but mentioned that I had received a thank-you note from the bride. My friend said she raised her daughter to have good manners. I now find myself avoiding my friend since I felt so hurt by this."

How to congratulate a friend on his new job worries another Gentle Reader. "He only heard about this job because I was applying for it, and asked his advice. He told me not to apply because he knew the company was about to go under."

These are all firing offenses. Rather than forgiving the friends, Miss Manners recommends forgetting the friendships. She wouldn't have wanted that halo anyway; everyone would have thought it was a tiara.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a housekeeper (for lack of a better word). Actually, he cooks and cleans in exchange for room and board. When referring to him in conversation, what do we call him? A roommate? A housekeeper? When introducing him to guests, what is an appropriate way to identify him? We want to be respectful, yet accurate about the relationship we have with him.

GENTLE READER: What would those better words be? "Estate manager"? "Concierge"? "Majordomo"?

"Housekeeper" strikes Miss Manners as a perfectly respectable word and occupation. She hopes that it is not the fact that this is more typically a female job that makes you question its respectability.

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