DEAR MISS MANNERS: I wish to surprise my wife and renew our wedding vows. It just so happens that my daughter is also getting married. She and I were talking and we thought, "Why not renew them at the rehearsal after my daughter is done with her practice?"

My wife would be very surprised.

The first thing is, should we tell anyone other than the people who will be there, or keep it quiet? Second, I am already paying for some of the people to eat at the rehearsal dinner and there is no way to pay for more. How would I tell the others that if they want to come to the dinner, they will have to pay for themselves?

GENTLE READER: You seem to be full of surprises. Perhaps some of these people will have surprises for you.

Miss Manners might have thought that a lady would want to participate in the decision about repeating her vows, rather than have it sprung on her in front of others, but you and your daughter presumably know your wife well enough to predict a favorable reaction. There are some ladies who, when neither consulted about the idea nor warned about the timing, would take the opportunity to see about canceling the vows they had already made.

Another surprise could come from those whom you invite to attend your family celebration on condition that they pay their own way. No matter how you tell them that they will not be among your real guests, you may discover that they are not interested enough in your family occasions to pay admission to attend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While it has never really seemed to be an issue, I have always wondered about the proper action to take when a door opens away from you. Should one push open the door and let his date walk through first, or should he walk through first and then hold the door?

GENTLE READER: Stand near the hinged edge of the door and push. The door, that is -- not the lady. That would make it an issue.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have accepted and enjoyed dinner on three occasions at a friend's home. Each time we presented a hostess gift upon arrival, and sent a proper handwritten thank-you note the following day. We have never invited this couple to our home for dinner.

Is it required that we entertain this couple, or have we fulfilled our obligation by taking a hostess gift and writing a thank-you note? We appreciate their invitations, but we do not wish to entertain them in our home.

GENTLE READER: Why not, since you apparently enjoy their company enough to keep accepting their invitations? Do they destroy the furniture when they turn jolly, and you don't mind as long as it is their own? Or do you simply prefer to have them serve you without your having to exert yourselves on their behalf?

Your thanks are obligatory and the optional little presents you bring are nice, but neither constitutes payment of your social debt. Miss Manners believes that what you are doing is popularly known as freeloading.

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When it comes to forgiveness, etiquette falls short of the sainthood standard. This is always a shock to those who insist on defining etiquette as "always making others feel comfortable," which is such a plausible explanation for not practicing it.

Even Miss Manners agrees that perpetual self-sacrifice is too high a standard to use in navigating the vicissitudes of life. But acknowledging that is a low excuse for eschewing the practice of etiquette, which has a higher-than-natural standard, if not a saintly one.

Etiquette does, indeed, insist that everyone be treated with respect and dignity. It bans rudeness, even on provocation, and the ban extends to using knowledge of etiquette to point out the lapses of others. It requires providing comfort for the guest, in the way of pillows and nibbles, and comfort in the way of sympathy and helpfulness for the afflicted and the bereaved. In that it requires overlooking unintentional faults, it also comforts the well-meaning who might otherwise suffer from self-inflicted embarrassment.

But it has its limits. It does not invite people who make themselves comfortable by stepping on others to make themselves more comfortable.

Thus it is that Miss Manners, who so often counsels forgiveness, occasionally admits to being fed up.

Yes, you must forgive the guest who spilled wine on your rug, even though he never should have parked the glass on the floor (especially since the wine was red). Yes, you must forgive the old friends who can't stop talking about their baby, especially if they tolerated your talking about your wedding. You should also forgive your family for any offenses, short of the criminal, and declare a statute of limitations on using these to bolster subsequent grievances.

But there are simpler cases. Here are some Miss Manners found she could polish off without a qualm:

"An old friend has written, telling me all the things she hates about my partner (whom she really doesn't know) and about my being with him, as well as a few details about myself that she finds abhorrent," reports a Gentle Reader.

"She says she hopes we can get a fresh start on our friendship. I'm flummoxed. I'm not going to ditch my partner for my friend, nor will I modify my life in the other ways she would prefer. I feel disloyal accepting these terms, but I'm not sure I want to completely write off the friendship. What help can etiquette give me?"

Another Gentle Reader reports that a friend declared her wedding present to the friend's daughter to be "quite frankly, tacky" and not in the bride's style. "I was hurt, but offered to buy something else more to the bride's liking if she would return the gift to me. Several weeks later, the bride sent a thank-you note for the gift. I thought all must be well, and forgot about it.

"Four months later, after a social gathering, my friend presented me with the offending gift, saying that her daughter did not like the gift, and did not want it. I took it back, but mentioned that I had received a thank-you note from the bride. My friend said she raised her daughter to have good manners. I now find myself avoiding my friend since I felt so hurt by this."

How to congratulate a friend on his new job worries another Gentle Reader. "He only heard about this job because I was applying for it, and asked his advice. He told me not to apply because he knew the company was about to go under."

These are all firing offenses. Rather than forgiving the friends, Miss Manners recommends forgetting the friendships. She wouldn't have wanted that halo anyway; everyone would have thought it was a tiara.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a housekeeper (for lack of a better word). Actually, he cooks and cleans in exchange for room and board. When referring to him in conversation, what do we call him? A roommate? A housekeeper? When introducing him to guests, what is an appropriate way to identify him? We want to be respectful, yet accurate about the relationship we have with him.

GENTLE READER: What would those better words be? "Estate manager"? "Concierge"? "Majordomo"?

"Housekeeper" strikes Miss Manners as a perfectly respectable word and occupation. She hopes that it is not the fact that this is more typically a female job that makes you question its respectability.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were at dinner at a nice restaurant, where they serve a loaf of bread and leave it to the patrons to cut it with a large steak knife.

Halfway through the meal, after the main course had been served, my husband was unfortunate enough to cut his thumb while cutting himself a slice of bread. I gave him a Band-Aid from my purse, and he left the table to apply it in the men's room.

He was gone for a few minutes, during which I desired a slice of bread. The knife was still in the loaf, and his slice was half cut. I finished cutting his slice, set it on his plate, then cut myself a slice. I would like to note that there was no blood on the knife or the bread.

Even though my husband had no qualms about my actions, I could not help feeling that I had committed a breach of etiquette by cutting myself a slice of bread while he was away. Was this all right to do?

GENTLE READER: Was what all right to do? Chomp away while your husband may have been bleeding to death in the men's room? Risking repeating the accident and leaving no one to care for your doubly orphaned children? Serving your husband a slice of bread with which he has unpleasant associations? Cutting yourself a slice of bread when there was no gentleman around to do it for you?

You will be relieved to hear that you have escaped error. So, barely, has Miss Manners, because she is far too polite to inquire why you are fussing over a solitary action that offended no one.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to host a small party in my home for members of my project team, my boss and our former boss. However, I read that if you are single, it is improper to entertain your boss in your home.

Is this correct even if others (six other people plus spouses or significant others, if any) are present? I don't know if this will be helpful, but I am female and single, my boss is male and married, and our former boss is female and married. Both their spouses would be invited.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is afraid that we live in a suspicious world, and there are indeed those who might think that a single lady who entertains her married boss at home alone means business, as it were. How this could be construed so as to bar her from inviting a boss and his wife to a party, Miss Manners is not suspicious enough to imagine.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I always feel that I overreact to rude remarks: getting embarrassed, playing it over in my mind, feeling ashamed and never knowing what to say. Here are some I have heard since I have been ill that hurt my feelings:

When I came home from chemo, the at-home nurse made the remark that, at first, she thought I was my husband's mother! I have received similar remarks about being my son's grandmother ever since I have been ill. I also have a friend who makes remarks that embarrass me about my medication, illness, weight, etc. I usually act like nothing bothers me and just laugh it off, while it's killing me inside. Help?

GENTLE READER: Unless you enjoyed thoughtless, unnecessary and discouraging remarks when you were well, Miss Manners wouldn't worry that the problem is overreaction. The problem is that you are in the company of people who make thoughtless, unnecessary and discouraging remarks.

Laughing it off just encourages them. What you can say in a civil way is, "I hope that wasn't intended to cheer me up, because it's backfiring."

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