DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is a tactful way of getting an e-mail correspondent to stop forwarding long, irrelevant e-mail messages?

You probably know what I mean. Sometimes the messages are cutesy, humorous pieces, sometimes religious or moral messages, sometimes medical "advice." Each forwarded message has as many as 40 addressees.

I met the correspondent online in the course of researching my family history when we learned we seem to have a common ancestor or two. We traded what information we had and she added some interesting insights, but in between messages about our common interest -- genealogy -- she peppers me (and her 39 other correspondents) with forwarded e-mail that is totally unrelated to our common interest. Some of the forwarded medical advice proved to be downright wrong.

I don't want to break off our correspondence altogether -- she seems an interesting person -- but four or more utterly irrelevant messages in a single day is too much. What should I do?

P.S. If you don't know what sort of messages I'm referring to, I'll forward you a few.

GENTLE READER: No, no, please! Anything but that!

Please just let Miss Manners answer your question and get back to work. When she was finally persuaded to trade in her quill for a computer on the argument that it might be faster, she forgot to allow for the hours spent on the Augean chore of cleaning out her e-mailbox of just the sort of thing you describe. And worse.

An offender whose personal correspondence you like should be told that as you don't read mass messages, you are afraid of deleting her real messages along with the numerous other jokes and advice for which you unfortunately do not have time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I read that when one is invited to the White House, one must go, even if one must cancel a previous engagement. This seems both rude and un-American. And what if one does not like or approve of the current occupants of the White House, and even questions their right to live there and issue invitations?

GENTLE READER: The pro-American explanation is that the White House does not belong to any of its occupants, but to the citizens, who retain the power to evict any tenant. Miss Manners would add that, as any of us can grow up to be president, it is a bad idea to suggest that it can be a patriotic duty to show disrespect for the office of the presidency.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been told that, when a (heterosexual) couple is invited to dinner, the written thank you note must properly come from the woman, not the man. Is this true? How about wedding gifts -- must the thank you note come from the bride, not the groom?

GENTLE READER: If you know someone who is willing to assume the task of writing graceful letters of thanks on your behalf, Miss Manners suggests marrying that person immediately, and not quarreling over other attributes.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend and I have been feuding over whether it is appropriate to smell food at the dinner table. I believe that it is rude and strange to act like a dog and smell one's own food at a nice restaurant. Please help me settle this.

GENTLE READER: Does he run around the table several times before settling down? Does he put his nose in his plate? This would suggest to Miss Manners that you might attend to his identity problems before his table manners. Or reconsider your own social life.

Actually, there is nothing wrong with human beings enjoying the smells of good food. There is just something very wrong with their being caught with their noses down or their mouths open. The correct posture is with the head thrown back to catch odors wafting in the air, murmuring a discreet "Mmmm" from behind closed lips.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one deal with presumptuousness?

I have an otherwise pleasant longtime friend who is straining our relationship with her sense of entitlement. She doesn't ask, she presumes. She doesn't invite you to attend a gathering, she expects you to attend. In fact, she often says, "I expect you to be there." Never, "If your schedule permits," or, "I hope you can come."

I was expected to attend a wedding shower she gave for her son and his fiancee -- a slap in the face of conventional behavior by itself. But she actually called to tell me to bring a place setting of their expensive silver pattern as my shower gift. I told her I would be spending $50. She then asked me to be a hostess for the bridesmaids' luncheon the day of the wedding. I said yes, not knowing exactly what being a hostess meant, even though I asked.

I got my answer when I received a bill for almost $200 as my share. More recently, she called to say her daughter was engaged and she was planning showers for her in three cities. When she got to my city, she paused. As the silence lengthened, I realized she was waiting for me to say that I would give a shower.

I was so annoyed by her presumptuousness that I said, very rudely, "Well, I'm not giving any showers." I am not alone. My friend's bossiness and sense of entitlement have cost her two husbands. Even a very patient gentleman I've introduced her to is tired of her behavior. I'm ready to walk, too. Any thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Walk. Especially if your friend has any more romantically inclined children.

Had you offered any evidence of this lady's being "otherwise pleasant," Miss Manners might have suggested a policy of politely declining each and every order until the futility of making demands acted as a deterrent. As it is, she cannot in good conscience assist in encouraging such a person to believe that anyone is willing to overlook her particularly rude combination of bossiness and greed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to tip owners and managers of restaurants that we frequent often? If so, what proportion would we give them on a $250 meal? If so, where does it stop? Do you start throwing money as you walk in the door?

My husband and I dine three times a month at an upscale restaurant. We always tip the valet, bartender, waiter and wine steward separately, and very generously. Through the years, we have gotten to know all the managers also.

During our last dining there, one of the managers shared that all the managers split all their tips between the managing staff, and at the last event they hosted, they raked in several thousand between them. Although I was complimented that he felt close enough to share this information, I felt it crass that a specific dollar amount was mentioned. After reflecting on this conversation, I couldn't help but think he was hinting that we never tipped the management staff.

I was brought up believing that you only tip the staff that actually does something for you, and the manager only if he does a special task for you. I'm quite embarrassed if I am wrong. I thought managers manage the restaurant and their employees.

GENTLE READER: The etiquette equivalent of asking the fox to mind the henhouse is taking advice on tipping from those on the receiving end.

Your previous knowledge was correct. As for the manager's feeling close enough to make such a pitch, Miss Manners advises you not to let him get any closer unless you have a firm grip on your purse.

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