DEAR MISS MANNERS: What should we "loving family members" do after our "beloved family member":

1) Marries, has three children, divorces a man;

2) Asks us, "Why didn't you tell me you thought he was a creep?"

3) Has a long-distance lover for four years (not during marriage) -- who we all really like -- but who never seems quite able to move to her city even after three job and city changes -- due to career opportunities -- and has canceled vacations with her (and us) at the last minute;

4) Flies to see her lover every other weekend because it's "easier" for her than for him;

5) Cries to family members about her finances, how hard it all is for her, and about her ex-husband not letting her move with the children to her lover's city;

6) Becomes very resentful when we family members finally tell her that maybe her lover isn't playing fair with her?

Were we wrong in addressing our fears to her? I now fear for our future relationship with HER.

GENTLE READER: You must realize that you were wrong to think it would help. Much as Miss Manners sympathizes with the desire to shout warnings when observing someone pursuing disaster, she recognizes that there is a time to give up.

The answer to your relative's accusation that you failed to warn her should be the formula you use when tempted to issue futile advice: "We were (or are) relying on your judgment."

The hope is that this will eventually make her realize that she doesn't have any, but Miss Manners is afraid that it might be a long wait.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Apparently, among my spouse's extended family, it is common to hold a "presentation shower" in which those invited to a bridal or baby shower are asked to contribute money for gifts which have already been selected and purchased by the guest of honor, be it the bride or mother-to-be. Invited guests may or may not know ahead of time what these gifts are.

Guests are then asked to bring a card with money in it to the shower and place the card in a box when they arrive. Is this an accepted practice for showers in some areas or cultures?

If one is invited to such a shower, must one give a gift of money toward the pre-purchased gifts rather than bringing a gift of his or her own choosing? I had never heard of a presentation shower before, and where I come from this would not be considered proper or polite, but perhaps I am out of the loop on this one. Please enlighten me.

GENTLE READER: The "presentation shower" is also new to Miss Manners, and she is sorry to be enlightened. While fervently hoping it is an aberration, she is aware that any device for eliminating thoughtfulness from acts of friendship in the hope of increasing the take is bound to spread.

If you agree to attend this appalling event, you are pretty much committed to going by its rules. You could try telling the hostess that, oops, you had already bought something and could give that instead, but Miss Manners warns you to be prepared for the argument that the personal touch is inconsiderate to the guest of honor.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a group of friends that get together for parties and friendship. But I totally disagree with this one guy's approach to the women. He has to make his rounds and kiss each on the lips. That's right, on the lips.

In my book, it's disgusting and unhealthy. When he kisses my wife I get totally upset. My wife knows that I do not approve of this.

What is your suggestion on this matter? Am I wrong in feeling the way I do about this lip kissing? I've approached him once and let him know that he was out of line.

GENTLE READER: Then be thankful he is not kissing you. Or perhaps not, because then you could object.

Miss Manners is sorry to tell you that a husband who tells another gentleman not to kiss his wife makes himself ridiculous. It is up to the wife to offer a handshake (shooting out the hand has the advantage of preventing a close approach) or turning her cheek.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Using the standard "please leave message after tone" on an answering machine is as short, concise and polite as can be. Trained telemarketers always hang up. Friends and family always leave brief messages.

What is the correct way of dealing with unknown people who repeatedly call and only say "Hello? Hello?" and then hang up without providing name, number or message?

Many local telephone companies offer a callback feature, but at $1.25 for each use, it is an expensive way of leaving a polite message on the caller's answering machine.

Are there legal remedies to repeated dumb callers, or are they beyond hope? Are they dumb callers or criminals intending to do bad things? What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Truthfully, my concern is why you are so eager to talk to dumb people, as you have characterized them. But Miss Manners challenges you to swear that you never, ever mistook a recording for a person. Oh, sure you did.

The mechanical solution would be to subscribe to Caller ID so you would have a list of your callers, although whether that would be cheaper Miss Manners cannot say. Nor does she understand why you would be happier knowing who dialed a wrong number, who changed his mind about calling you and who succeeded in reaching you later.

In regards to the etiquette of the situation, she does not advise calling back people who did not intend to leave you messages. As they did not get through to you, the inconvenience to you does not seem to be major.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hope Miss Manners will pardon this frivolous observation, but it's amazing how many ramifications there are even to such simple rules as, "Ladies remove their gloves before eating."

When a lady removes her gloves for dining, where do they go? Are they folded into the evening bag, which may or may not be large enough to accommodate them? Draped over it? Do ladies bring evening bags to the table?

At what point does the lady resume wearing the gloves? Does she retire to the ladies' room, or pull them on as a matter of course after the meal? As Miss Manners points out, glove wearing is not common these days, but I do think that forewarned is forearmed.

GENTLE READER: You do realize, don't you, that we are talking about a white-tie dinner, probably with dancing, where ladies would wear above-the-elbow white gloves? Not about ordinary occasions, when a lady would stuff her mittens in her coat pocket and not see them again until she goes back out into the cold?

If the lady is served a drink before dinner, she must remove her gloves before taking it. Should she abstain, she would remove them at dinner, laying them across her lap, or under or over her evening bag. As she is probably wearing satin or silk, they slide right off, giving her a chance to become acquainted with her dinner partner as he dives down to retrieve them.

She may put them on after dinner if there is dancing or it is time to go home, but not if she will again be touching food or drink. Proper gloves are refreshment enough.

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