DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a group of friends that get together for parties and friendship. But I totally disagree with this one guy's approach to the women. He has to make his rounds and kiss each on the lips. That's right, on the lips.

In my book, it's disgusting and unhealthy. When he kisses my wife I get totally upset. My wife knows that I do not approve of this.

What is your suggestion on this matter? Am I wrong in feeling the way I do about this lip kissing? I've approached him once and let him know that he was out of line.

GENTLE READER: Then be thankful he is not kissing you. Or perhaps not, because then you could object.

Miss Manners is sorry to tell you that a husband who tells another gentleman not to kiss his wife makes himself ridiculous. It is up to the wife to offer a handshake (shooting out the hand has the advantage of preventing a close approach) or turning her cheek.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Using the standard "please leave message after tone" on an answering machine is as short, concise and polite as can be. Trained telemarketers always hang up. Friends and family always leave brief messages.

What is the correct way of dealing with unknown people who repeatedly call and only say "Hello? Hello?" and then hang up without providing name, number or message?

Many local telephone companies offer a callback feature, but at $1.25 for each use, it is an expensive way of leaving a polite message on the caller's answering machine.

Are there legal remedies to repeated dumb callers, or are they beyond hope? Are they dumb callers or criminals intending to do bad things? What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Truthfully, my concern is why you are so eager to talk to dumb people, as you have characterized them. But Miss Manners challenges you to swear that you never, ever mistook a recording for a person. Oh, sure you did.

The mechanical solution would be to subscribe to Caller ID so you would have a list of your callers, although whether that would be cheaper Miss Manners cannot say. Nor does she understand why you would be happier knowing who dialed a wrong number, who changed his mind about calling you and who succeeded in reaching you later.

In regards to the etiquette of the situation, she does not advise calling back people who did not intend to leave you messages. As they did not get through to you, the inconvenience to you does not seem to be major.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hope Miss Manners will pardon this frivolous observation, but it's amazing how many ramifications there are even to such simple rules as, "Ladies remove their gloves before eating."

When a lady removes her gloves for dining, where do they go? Are they folded into the evening bag, which may or may not be large enough to accommodate them? Draped over it? Do ladies bring evening bags to the table?

At what point does the lady resume wearing the gloves? Does she retire to the ladies' room, or pull them on as a matter of course after the meal? As Miss Manners points out, glove wearing is not common these days, but I do think that forewarned is forearmed.

GENTLE READER: You do realize, don't you, that we are talking about a white-tie dinner, probably with dancing, where ladies would wear above-the-elbow white gloves? Not about ordinary occasions, when a lady would stuff her mittens in her coat pocket and not see them again until she goes back out into the cold?

If the lady is served a drink before dinner, she must remove her gloves before taking it. Should she abstain, she would remove them at dinner, laying them across her lap, or under or over her evening bag. As she is probably wearing satin or silk, they slide right off, giving her a chance to become acquainted with her dinner partner as he dives down to retrieve them.

She may put them on after dinner if there is dancing or it is time to go home, but not if she will again be touching food or drink. Proper gloves are refreshment enough.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is one obligated to participate in the principal activity at a party to which one is invited?

A couple of friends often host hot-tub parties, where all hot-tub bathing is totally nude. I am open-minded and have no objection to others getting into the hot tub together, but I have no desire to join strangers or even some friends in the hot tub myself.

But quite a bit of socializing goes on at the parties outside of the hot tub, and I enjoy that aspect of the parties very much.

The hosts have indicated that no one is required to doff his clothes and jump in, but I wonder. I would very much like to attend the parties and socialize outside of the hot tub. If one were invited to a dinner party, I suppose one would be expected to eat. But if one is invited to a hot-tub party is it socially acceptable to enjoy the party fully clothed and out of the tub?

GENTLE READER: This is not exactly like tagging along on a ski weekend when the only sports you practice are reading and rum toddies. Or going along on a picnic and saying, "Oh, I'd just like to watch" when the touch football game starts.

Miss Manners can think of no respectable social activity in which some people are clothed and others are not. Unless your friends give two-tiered parties, so to speak, where clothed guests gather elsewhere while naked guests are in the tub, you should decline.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband received an invitation to his ex-wife's wedding. The invitation was addressed only to him. He is considering going, and I am hurt that he would honor and support an event of this nature that excludes me.

My husband says people have the right to invite whomever they want to their wedding, and if his ex-wife or anyone else does not like me they probably have a good reason for it. He says he should maintain a good relationship with these people (the kids are all grown). He does not "hang out" with them socially at all. It isn't that I really want to go to the wedding. I feel that leaving my name off the invitation was very rude, and my husband is supporting his ex-wife's rudeness to me. Feelings aside, what is the proper etiquette for inviting a married person to a wedding? Is it appropriate to invite an ex-spouse who has been remarried for over 13 years and not invite his wife?

GENTLE READER: In your place, Miss Manners would be more concerned about that comment of your husband's that "they probably have a good reason" for not liking you. Unless his explanation is "because the contrast is so unfavorable to her," both of you should stay home, worrying not about other people's marriages, but your own.

: