DEAR MISS MANNERS: If my same-sex marriage is eventually invalidated by a constitutional amendment or Supreme Court ruling, am I obligated to return all my wedding presents?

What if it's been longer than a year? I know my guests have up to a year after the wedding to send a present, but wouldn't it be rude for them to wait the year if they were just waiting to see if the marriage will be enjoined?

GENTLE READER: Provided you follow the rules, Miss Manners wishes you the best:

You get to keep the presents. You do not get to question the motives of your wedding guests. You are encouraged to keep lists of who sent presents so that you can write your thanks and remember to display them when entertaining the donors. You are forbidden to keep lists of who failed to send presents.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I respond to people who, upon learning of my husband's impending deployment to Iraq, ask "Is there any way he can get out of it?" or "Has he tried to get out of it?"

These are generally well-meaning people who seem to be concerned for my family, but each time I am amazed at the suggestion that my husband should or would ever try to evade the responsibilities and obligations for which he volunteered. If I am able to say anything, I usually respond with "Of course not."

I would like to let these people know that such a question, however well-intended, comes across as questioning my husband's character. Is it possible to do that politely, or should I not make such an attempt?

GENTLE READER: It is not rude to ask for clarification, Miss Manners assures you. You could give them a puzzled look and inquire, "Get out of doing his patriotic duty? Why would he do that?"

When they protest, brilliantly, that your husband will be in danger, you should say, "Yes, but he's in the service. So he knows that, but his job is to protect others."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Though it's nice of people to not brag or make self-aggrandizing comments, what do you do about the people who are overly critical of themselves? For example, I have several friends (all women) who say things like, "I'd go swimming, but there's a 'no whales' sign at the gate," or "You can wear that because you're skinny; my fat thighs would never look good in it."

What does one say after such a comment? Do you just switch topics, pretending that you didn't hear her? The slimmer women who say these things can be quieted with a simple, "Oh, don't be silly." But, the women who are on the larger side carry on about how their hips keep spreading or how they ought to diet. What would you do or say as a proper lady?

GENTLE READER: "Oh, don't be silly."

Said affectionately, this can mean either "No, you're not," or "It's not worth being upset about." Its greatest advantage, Miss Manners believes, is that it is not conducive to continuing the subject.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Would you be so kind as to clarify who should initiate a "re-call" when a cell phone call is unexpectedly terminated due to signal loss?

Would the person who has received or the one who placed the call be responsible for re-establishing the connection?

GENTLE READER: The person who thinks it is the fault of his telephone system. And when we are thus able to identify the person whose system never malfunctions, Miss Manners would appreciate being told which one it is.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have had a long-standing disagreement that we just can't get past. I'm willing to accept your answer, although my husband will probably only accept your answer if you agree with him.

He claims that pepper should go in the shaker with the most holes because it is coarser than salt (assume the holes are the same size on each shaker). The shakers that started this never-ending argument are shaped like Pilgrims. The male has three holes and the female has two. So, I believe that doubly proves it: salt should always be in the male shaker. I recently purchased a new set (aha!) that clearly have "Salt" and "Pepper" painted on each one -- the salt has five holes and the pepper has three. He says that the company that made them is wrong. To add to my woes, his side of the family agrees with him, and my side agrees with me. So, I don't get it, or do I?

GENTLE READER: You don't seem to get the fact that this argument is not about salt and pepper, but about taking sides, regardless of facts. But, then, Miss Manners doesn't get the part about salt's being obviously intended for the male shaker, and would prefer that you not explain it to her.

As people generally take more salt than pepper, shakers are designed to release more. Miss Manners hopes this will be of some comfort to you when your husband and his family refuses to believe it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have accepted to be a bridesmaid in a good friend's wedding. My date is my girlfriend of three years whom the bride, groom and mutual friends know well. I am proud of who I am, but know that there are others that believe very differently.

What I am hoping you could advise me on is how (and who) to ask whether the guests of the bride and groom may know that we are together. Though I will spend most of the night attending to the bride, I want to know ahead of time whether I will be able to share a dance or two with my girlfriend without offending relatives or taking attention off of the couple. I believe my friend would tell me to go ahead because she is very accepting. I am in contact with her mother and sister in the planning of the shower (though I don't know them well); would they be a better judge of the situation?

GENTLE READER: While appreciating your concern at not upsetting the wedding guests, Miss Manners would not advise your polling people about a mere dance or two. The family is bound to be able to think of someone who would not approve, thus worrying them about a scene that is unlikely to happen.

After you have done your bridesmaid duties, which may include dancing with an usher or two, you and your date should just join the general dancing. Had there been previous discussion, everyone, whether they can be classified as "accepting" or not, will be saying, "Look, there they are." Un-alerted, some of the very people who might have disapproved will say, "What a shame they didn't invite more young men; the young ladies have to dance with each other."

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