DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently attended a debate at a university over a very hot political issue. As I'm sure is usually the case with audience members at this type of event, I was very much opposed to one of the debaters and very much in agreement with the other and so was struck with an etiquette question.

Is it considered rude to refuse to applaud one speaker at a debate while applauding the other?

I always applaud at concerts, plays, etc. -- even if the performance is bad -- if only to acknowledge their efforts, but I was so opposed to this person's views and disappointed in the weakness of his arguments that I could not bring myself to clap. Was I just being rude and immature?

GENTLE READER: What school was this? Miss Manners would be delighted, not to mention flabbergasted, to hear of a campus where withholding applause as a form of protest would be as rude as it gets.

Applause is not owed in a public forum or performance the way it is at your friends' poetry readings or their children's violin recitals. To oppose a speaker by shouting him down or pushing a pie in his face is rude. To sit on your hands, rather than applaud sentiments you do not endorse, is not only perfectly polite but positively restrained.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My girlfriends and I were comparing blind-date horror stories one night over dinner and we noticed a common theme. No matter how rude or inconsiderate our date was, none of us left during the date.

Case in point: I met a blind date at a local restaurant. I was pretty sure there was not going to be a future with this gentleman, but was determined to have a pleasant evening anyway. The waiter came to our table to hand us our menus and my date not only took both of the menus, but put them as far away from me as possible.

I was stunned and a little annoyed, but instead of getting up and leaving, I sat and sipped my water while he ate an appetizer. Miss Manners, do you have any advice for us single girls having to put up with this type of behavior that won't cause us to stoop to the level of our boorish dates?

GENTLE READER: Going to the restroom and never reappearing is rude. Telling someone who has insulted you in the way you describe, "Well, I'll leave you to enjoy your food" would strike Miss Manners as warranted.

She strongly suggests that in the future you tell whoever or whatever is fixing you up with boors that you only care to meet gentlemen. Miss Manners is amazed that people seem to think enjoying old movies and walks on the beach are more important qualities to specify than manners.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Politics aside, how do I respond to people who go on about their fears for the troops in Iraq? My husband is in active military duty in Iraq with a communications group.

It's not that I don't care, or that I am not willing to discuss the policies under the right circumstances; it's just that this is a very personal subject for me and I don't know what I should say.

Sometimes the subject comes up when talking to people I only know casually. For example, I was speaking about something else with a lady whose husband is in the same line of work as mine, and she proceeded to go off on a tangent, saying things like, "Oh, God, I would be so scared! I would be so worried that my husband was going to be killed! I don't think I could stand it if my husband had to go!" and so on.

It's bad enough when people that are not in the military say this, but I had thought that other military spouses, sharing the uniqueness of this situation, would not.

What should I say when it happens? I certainly don't feel comfortable with the option of bursting into tears and pouring out my fears to a virtual stranger (though I do have fears). Nor do I feel comfortable with the option of saying "So what? It's his job," implying that I don't care if he comes home or not (it is his job, and while I understand this, I care very much about his welfare).

I feel like the only other option is to act like I don't think there is a risk and I have no idea what they are talking about, with the implication being that I am a total idiot who has no clue as to what is going on in the world.

I can handle the people who don't agree with the U.S. being in Iraq and take it out on the military by simply telling them that the wonderful thing about our country is we are all entitled to our own opinion, and that it's that right, among others, that my husband fights to defend. I just don't know how to handle the expressions of sympathy, fear or whatever it is that seem to be happening more and more often. Oh, and to add another wrinkle, these conversations often occur in front of our children (the speaker's as well as mine).

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners suspects something worse here than nosy insensitivity.

You may be encountering followers of the You'll Feel Better If You Talk About It school, who believe that probing people to express their troubles is an act of mercy. But as professional counselors discovered after the large-scale experience of dealing with those bereaved by the Sept. 11 tragedy, expressing grief and fear, especially in passing to a stranger, may aggravate rather than cure those reactions.

The way to cut off this line of inquiry is to say, "I'm proud of his bravery. Please don't question mine."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been with my boyfriend for 9-1/2 years. We have been living together for 4 years. I was only 16 when we started dating so I called his parents "Mr. and Mrs. surname."

They have never referred to themselves by their first names to me. So I don't feel comfortable calling them by those names. They always refer to themselves as his mother or his father. Although I don't feel comfortable calling them by their first names, I also feel that I am too old and have known them too long to call them Mr. and Mrs. What is the proper way to handle this? When is it correct to call them by their first names?

GENTLE READER: By Miss Manners' calculation, the gentleman's parents are aging at the same rate you are, and have known you just as long. Therefore, they retain the senior privilege of deciding when or whether they want you to address them less formally -- which is not to say that you cannot press their son to press them to do so.

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