DEAR MISS MANNERS: Politics aside, how do I respond to people who go on about their fears for the troops in Iraq? My husband is in active military duty in Iraq with a communications group.

It's not that I don't care, or that I am not willing to discuss the policies under the right circumstances; it's just that this is a very personal subject for me and I don't know what I should say.

Sometimes the subject comes up when talking to people I only know casually. For example, I was speaking about something else with a lady whose husband is in the same line of work as mine, and she proceeded to go off on a tangent, saying things like, "Oh, God, I would be so scared! I would be so worried that my husband was going to be killed! I don't think I could stand it if my husband had to go!" and so on.

It's bad enough when people that are not in the military say this, but I had thought that other military spouses, sharing the uniqueness of this situation, would not.

What should I say when it happens? I certainly don't feel comfortable with the option of bursting into tears and pouring out my fears to a virtual stranger (though I do have fears). Nor do I feel comfortable with the option of saying "So what? It's his job," implying that I don't care if he comes home or not (it is his job, and while I understand this, I care very much about his welfare).

I feel like the only other option is to act like I don't think there is a risk and I have no idea what they are talking about, with the implication being that I am a total idiot who has no clue as to what is going on in the world.

I can handle the people who don't agree with the U.S. being in Iraq and take it out on the military by simply telling them that the wonderful thing about our country is we are all entitled to our own opinion, and that it's that right, among others, that my husband fights to defend. I just don't know how to handle the expressions of sympathy, fear or whatever it is that seem to be happening more and more often. Oh, and to add another wrinkle, these conversations often occur in front of our children (the speaker's as well as mine).

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners suspects something worse here than nosy insensitivity.

You may be encountering followers of the You'll Feel Better If You Talk About It school, who believe that probing people to express their troubles is an act of mercy. But as professional counselors discovered after the large-scale experience of dealing with those bereaved by the Sept. 11 tragedy, expressing grief and fear, especially in passing to a stranger, may aggravate rather than cure those reactions.

The way to cut off this line of inquiry is to say, "I'm proud of his bravery. Please don't question mine."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been with my boyfriend for 9-1/2 years. We have been living together for 4 years. I was only 16 when we started dating so I called his parents "Mr. and Mrs. surname."

They have never referred to themselves by their first names to me. So I don't feel comfortable calling them by those names. They always refer to themselves as his mother or his father. Although I don't feel comfortable calling them by their first names, I also feel that I am too old and have known them too long to call them Mr. and Mrs. What is the proper way to handle this? When is it correct to call them by their first names?

GENTLE READER: By Miss Manners' calculation, the gentleman's parents are aging at the same rate you are, and have known you just as long. Therefore, they retain the senior privilege of deciding when or whether they want you to address them less formally -- which is not to say that you cannot press their son to press them to do so.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A good friend of mine is enrolled to be an intern at the legislature of the state during their next session. He must attend an extra class at the university to train for this position.

As part of the class training, lobbyists, legislators, educators and even the lieutenant governor come to address the class.

My friend, 20, thinks that he might be able to make himself look better and be "the best intern" if he befriends and works with some of the people who've addressed his class. He's decided that he's going to write handwritten thank-you notes to each person who speaks to the class.

I have told him that I feel that writing thank-you notes to the guest lecturers will be seen by those he writes to as brown-nosing, because he is not in a position (as is the teacher) to write thank-you notes. Is his well-intentioned letter writing polite, or will it be seen as rude for a class member to write thank-you notes to everyone who addresses the class?

GENTLE READER: What an ugly term you have for politeness that goes beyond what is required. Miss Manners can assure you that few people on the receiving end of appreciative letters harbor such suspicions. It rarely occurs to them that they might not inspire and deserve gratitude and praise.

Furthermore, anyone in politics knows the value of such letters, and would think favorably of a potential employee who has demonstrated that he knows how to write them. And if your friend does, his letter will not just thank the speaker for being there but go on to state what gems he valued from the speech.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a concierge at a luxury high-rise apartment building. Our parent company has a "no tipping" policy for all employees at the property, viewing it as our job to provide "outstanding service to our residents." We are paid generous salaries, well above the norm, since we don't supplement our incomes with tips.

All of the staff pride ourselves on delivering the best and most thoughtful service to our residents, and by doing this, we create a small problem. Often residents, and other times guests of the residents, wish to thank us by tipping us.

I usually thank them and say no, explaining that it is my pleasure to be of service. Sometimes, however, the residents become insistent. I feel bad saying that I'm not allowed to accept their money -- the best phrasing I've found is, "I appreciate the thought and am glad you're pleased, but I really can't accept that" -- and worry that the residents will feel offended. Can you suggest a polite way to refuse a tip?

GENTLE READER: Bless you for asking. Miss Manners is so inundated with demands for ways to disguise tip-gouging that she is pathetically grateful to be asked how to refuse one.

You are already declining politely and respectfully. It is a sad sign of our times that the would-be tippers are unable to believe that anyone would refuse a handout on the mere grounds of dignity and professional pride. You could add "It's against company policy," because what they do understand is the fear of losing a job (although perhaps not why one would not risk getting away with it).

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