DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been with my boyfriend for 9-1/2 years. We have been living together for 4 years. I was only 16 when we started dating so I called his parents "Mr. and Mrs. surname."

They have never referred to themselves by their first names to me. So I don't feel comfortable calling them by those names. They always refer to themselves as his mother or his father. Although I don't feel comfortable calling them by their first names, I also feel that I am too old and have known them too long to call them Mr. and Mrs. What is the proper way to handle this? When is it correct to call them by their first names?

GENTLE READER: By Miss Manners' calculation, the gentleman's parents are aging at the same rate you are, and have known you just as long. Therefore, they retain the senior privilege of deciding when or whether they want you to address them less formally -- which is not to say that you cannot press their son to press them to do so.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A good friend of mine is enrolled to be an intern at the legislature of the state during their next session. He must attend an extra class at the university to train for this position.

As part of the class training, lobbyists, legislators, educators and even the lieutenant governor come to address the class.

My friend, 20, thinks that he might be able to make himself look better and be "the best intern" if he befriends and works with some of the people who've addressed his class. He's decided that he's going to write handwritten thank-you notes to each person who speaks to the class.

I have told him that I feel that writing thank-you notes to the guest lecturers will be seen by those he writes to as brown-nosing, because he is not in a position (as is the teacher) to write thank-you notes. Is his well-intentioned letter writing polite, or will it be seen as rude for a class member to write thank-you notes to everyone who addresses the class?

GENTLE READER: What an ugly term you have for politeness that goes beyond what is required. Miss Manners can assure you that few people on the receiving end of appreciative letters harbor such suspicions. It rarely occurs to them that they might not inspire and deserve gratitude and praise.

Furthermore, anyone in politics knows the value of such letters, and would think favorably of a potential employee who has demonstrated that he knows how to write them. And if your friend does, his letter will not just thank the speaker for being there but go on to state what gems he valued from the speech.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a concierge at a luxury high-rise apartment building. Our parent company has a "no tipping" policy for all employees at the property, viewing it as our job to provide "outstanding service to our residents." We are paid generous salaries, well above the norm, since we don't supplement our incomes with tips.

All of the staff pride ourselves on delivering the best and most thoughtful service to our residents, and by doing this, we create a small problem. Often residents, and other times guests of the residents, wish to thank us by tipping us.

I usually thank them and say no, explaining that it is my pleasure to be of service. Sometimes, however, the residents become insistent. I feel bad saying that I'm not allowed to accept their money -- the best phrasing I've found is, "I appreciate the thought and am glad you're pleased, but I really can't accept that" -- and worry that the residents will feel offended. Can you suggest a polite way to refuse a tip?

GENTLE READER: Bless you for asking. Miss Manners is so inundated with demands for ways to disguise tip-gouging that she is pathetically grateful to be asked how to refuse one.

You are already declining politely and respectfully. It is a sad sign of our times that the would-be tippers are unable to believe that anyone would refuse a handout on the mere grounds of dignity and professional pride. You could add "It's against company policy," because what they do understand is the fear of losing a job (although perhaps not why one would not risk getting away with it).

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: It is time to put a long-standing battle to rest. Very often, however incorrect it may be, when attending a potluck or an informal dinner with friends, the situation arises where one cuts and serves themselves a piece of cake or brownie. My wife and friends say that when doing this, particularly if the first row of cake is gone, you take from the edge and go toward the middle.

I prefer to take a middle piece.

For that matter, what is wrong with cutting a piece of brownie out of the middle of the pan instead of starting at the edge? As is usually the case, I expect to be wrong, but would like to know the reasoning why middle-piece-loving individuals must continue to be oppressed, while edge and corner lovers get all the etiquette.

GENTLE READER: Much as she hates to contribute to war in the middle-piece, Miss Manners cannot hope to relieve all of those who are oppressed. She got into enough trouble when she uncharacteristically appeased a snacker who wanted only the inside of the cheese and failed to observe the courtesy of cutting it so as to maintain its wedge shape.

What you suggest is wrong because it looks piggy and makes a mess. However, if you restrain yourself, you might be rewarded. Let two people get to the brownie pan ahead of you, and there will be a middle piece available for the taking. As for cake, most piggy people go for the icing and leave hunks of unadorned insides, which you can appropriate without penalty.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why do people insist on knowing the sexual orientation of friends, co-workers and acquaintances? I have always thought it rude in the extreme to ask someone "Are you gay?" or "Are they gay?"

To me, that is just like saying "Do you have sex?" This is no one's business but the parties involved, and possibly immediate family. It does not concern friends, co-workers and acquaintances.

For the record, I'm a happily married woman with a great husband and two kids. But for some reason, people seem to think that I spend my time peeking in bedroom windows, because I am asked this question constantly about people I know. When I am asked "Are they gay?" I reply with a snappy, and somewhat rude, "I wouldn't know. I'm not sleeping with him/her, so I didn't think it was any of my business." Miss Manners, is there a kinder way to convey that message? Or should I just ignore the question completely?

GENTLE READER: You have two distinct questions here: Why people want to know about other people's sex lives, and whether it is any of their business.

The first is a psychological question, to which Miss Manners can only reply that everyone does, probably because it is juicier than listening to people complain about their jobs. The second is an etiquette question, to which the answer is that it is not their business.

The fact that people are naturally curious is unrelated to whether that curiosity can be legitimately satisfied. Nor should it inhibit you from insinuating that such curiosity is unseemly. (Notice that Miss Manners has no qualms about condemning a perfectly natural feeling as unseemly. Etiquette thoughtfully provides veils to throw over that which should not be seen.)

The gist of your reply is fine. Only the part about not sleeping with them is a little snippy. An airy, "I have no idea" would do.

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