DEAR MISS MANNERS: Once you've loaned a book, or someone has loaned you a book, what is the appropriate length of time for returning it? I'm not talking about a $6 paperback; I would not expect that to be returned to me (although I'd probably return it if I were the "loanee"). I'm talking about your average $25-$35 hardback. And then, is it appropriate to ask for it back after that length of time has passed?

GENTLE READER: The time to get the book back is when the borrower no longer mentions the book, either with literary pronouncements or with the excuse of being about to get to it any day now. It is then that you know it is on its way to being no longer considered yours. In the first instance, Miss Manners recommends saying, "If you're finished with it, I'll take it back," and in the second, "Why don't I take it back now, in case I need it, and you'll let me know when you have time."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am writing to ask advice about the proper way to respond to family gossip.

I come from a large extended family that gathers semi-yearly with great uncles, second cousins, third cousins twice removed, etc. My mother maintains regular contact with her aunts and first cousins; whereas we of the younger generation only see each other at the occasional family get-togethers.

My question has to do with the proper way to acknowledge news that passes through the family grapevine. My mother will often tell me somebody's son has bought a house or become divorced, their daughter has gotten engaged, gone back to college, taken ill or had a miscarriage. I would like to express my congratulations or concern on these occasions, but since I have limited contact and have not heard directly from the person, I find it awkward.

What do you believe would be an appropriate manner of addressing these situations?

GENTLE READER: By e-mail.

As the great proponent of handwritten letters, Miss Manners hopes she isn't causing shock or disillusionment. But she never said that e-mail wasn't vitally useful -- just not for everything. Responses to formal announcements and to written letters need to be answered in kind.

The grapevine is not a formal means of communication. It may not even be an authorized one, which is why you don't respond to anything that might not have been intended for broadcast and phrase everything else tentatively. So "I hear you bought a house" and "Are congratulations in order?" are warm messages; "Sorry you got ditched again" is not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last holiday season, I sent two friends of mine individual greeting cards, one addressed to "Mr. Smith" and one to "Mr. Jones." Then they got married.

I have never had to respond to the niceties of a same-sex marriage before this, and I find myself rather confused. Should I continue to send individual cards or should I send one card to Mr. & Mr. Smith-Jones? Or is there some other option that just isn't coming to mind?

I wish to be respectful, and they have been my friends since high school, but I just don't know what to do.

GENTLE READER: Wish them happy holidays. Miss Manners assures you that this is not as hard as it seems, and it also applies to opposite sex couples at the same address, if the lady has not changed her name.

Unless they have informed you that they have adopted a joint surname, you should address them by their proper names, but with one card.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son called me from the airport and told me that when he was boarding the plane, he noticed two men with wires coming out of their ears scrutinizing each passenger. While settling into his seat he heard the people behind him say, "Yes, it's him, all right, but he looks older."

Later, he was surprised to see Jimmy Carter coming down the aisle shaking hands with all the passengers. When he reached him, my son stood up and said, "It's an honor, Mr. President," as they shook hands.

He then wondered what one calls an ex-president. Surely not, "Mr. Ex-President."

Since it had never occurred to me to teach him the proper way to address an ex-president (I didn't know myself), I promptly went to my two (perhaps outdated) etiquette books, and both of them agreed that an ex-president is addressed as "Mr." as in "Mr. Carter." One said that very close friends or former staff sometimes use "Mr. President." Now, I am told that when he was recently interviewed on television, he was called "President Carter."

I have been told, also, that our ex-president likes to travel and pops up here and there, surprising people. Please let me know what Miss Manners thinks is the correct way to address a former president.

GENTLE READER: What do you mean, "what Miss Manners thinks"?

Who should be president is a matter on which the citizens are supposed to exercise their opinions. Etiquette is not.

What Miss Manners can give you is the correct information. But it comes with a warning that most people not only don't know or believe it, but turn indignant with the notion that it is disrespectful.

This is because we suffer from title inflation. Our Founding Fathers, including the ones to whom this question applied, established American protocol to be simple and unpretentious -- and thus antithetical to the modern taste.

Nevertheless, the rule is that titles pertaining to an office that only one person occupies at a time are not used after retirement. A former president can use a previously-held, non-unique title, as the first one did by reverting to Gen. Washington in retirement, or the plain citizen's title of "Mr." The third president preferred to be known as Mr. Jefferson rather than Gov. Jefferson. Thus, the gentleman your son met would be addressed as Gov. Carter or Mr. Carter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother's 80th birthday is next weekend. We, her two sons and their spouses and a daughter, are taking her out to a very nice restaurant. We will be paying for and supplying the drinks, cakes, present, a commemorative 80th-birthday engraved gift and Mom's dinner, and, of course, our dinners. We invited some of my mother's friends and relatives to the restaurant for her party. My mother is upset that we expect her friends to pay for their own dinners. We are not rich, and with Christmas just around the corner we are really feeling the bite. Who pays for what?

GENTLE READER: Hosts pay for guests. Miss Manners is afraid that you are not breaking her heart with your filial devotion and Christmas obligations. Nice children think it more important to do what their mother feels is right than to embarrass her with an outing that they cannot afford.

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Skeptical about those instant remedial etiquette classes being offered for children at fancy venues, Miss Manners now finds that she has something along similar lines to recommend.

It is not a class, so you can't drop off your children and expect to get them back that afternoon professionally civilized. Unfortunately, nothing can relieve parents of the 20-year, around-the-clock task of teaching their own children how to behave toward others. That burden is called child-rearing, and there are no quick fixes.

However, she sympathizes with the occasional yearning parents have to inject an unnatural modicum of sophistication into the unsuspecting young. And there is a seasonal opportunity that might appeal to them.

Miss Manners is not referring to the punitive Santa Claus threat. It takes children half a minute to recognize that bluff. And anyone old enough to have lived through one New Year's Eve sees the flaw in the bribe of being allowed to stay up to watch the adults make fools of themselves: People who are making fools of themselves are not vigilant.

The instrument in question is the nutcracker. Or rather, "The Nutcracker." With the proper preparation, it can turn your perfectly healthy modern child into the sort of fetchingly-dressed combination of excited enthusiasm and charming nervousness who inspires adults inadvertently thrown in their company to comment, "Awwww" instead of "Ewwww."

The wrong way to go about this is to tell the child who is going to a performance for the first time that he or she has nothing to worry about, it's just like going to the movies only better, it's fine to dress comfortably, just relax and you'll have a great time. The adult equivalent of this misbegotten attempt to entice is the overuse of the word "casual" in invitations. It only advertises that the occasion will be nothing special.

Rather, this is the time to reverse all those lectures against succumbing to peer pressure about appearances and announce that all the other children will be dressed up and yours would be embarrassed not to be. Strangely enough, it is true. "The Nutcracker" is for children what the Academy Awards is for actresses -- the wrong time to go in for understatement.

Teaching children audience manners -- to sit still and not talk, what to look for and when to clap -- is accomplished by another childish argument, namely that there will be other children who won't know how to behave. Superiority of social knowledge is not a nice incentive, but, as adults know from their own experience, it is a powerful one.

So is the urge to be in show business. By using child dancers -- in the first act party scene and, in some productions, throughout -- "The Nutcracker" exerts a powerful hold on its young audience. The thought "I could be up there, with everyone applauding me" is an American article of faith that recognizes no boundaries of talent or willingness to work.

Should that lead to pleas for ballet lessons, the parents' job will indeed be made easier. There is nothing like an old-fashioned ballet class run like a Siberian labor camp to give the lie to the notion that children are immune to disciplined formality -- and to make even the most exacting parents seem lenient.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have two children and my brother-in-law has only one child. When birthdays and holidays come up we exchange gifts with the children. I would like to know if I am supposed to spend twice as much on his child because he has only one and I have two children that he gives to?

I have asked this question of some of my friends, and they all say I should not spent twice as much on his child because my children will only be getting a $25 gift when his son will be getting a $50 gift. What should I do?

GENTLE READER: Have you thought of buying your nephew a present that you think will please him, and which you can afford?

If that violates the spirit of your holidays, Miss Manners suggests you consult an accountant about how to factor in the children's ages (and therefore who has been collecting longer than whom) and an appraiser to assess the value of what your child receives.

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