Gouging for tips is getting ever more aggressive. Even the generous among Miss Manners' Gentle Readers complain of feeling hounded.

Tip jars and saucers have appeared everywhere, from counters where pre-wrapped fast food is handed directly to customers, to private events where hosts who are paying the hired staff a service charge and tips on top of it little suspect that their guests are being targeted as well.

People on the receiving end are franker about stating the size they expect those tips to be and using embarrassment to pressure tippers into giving more. A particularly insidious technique in vogue now is to refrain from offering change and then loudly asking whether the customer "wants" it, as if taking it would be a breach of manners. One Gentle Reader reports being asked if he wanted change after submitting a $100 bill for a $40 meal.

Those in positions that were never associated with tipping, notably the owners of establishments such as restaurants and hairdressing salons, are letting it be known that they would be far from offended by being treated like their employees when it comes to tipping.

Holiday collections are initiated by the would-be recipients, who are often not shy about announcing what is expected. Those who used to be tipped annually, such as newspaper deliverers, have added a line for tips on their monthly bills as well.

"I'm at my wits end with the number of people expecting tips," writes one G.R. "I know they deliberately underpay waiters and waitresses, so I don't mind leaving 15 percent (though I do mind that the standard, I've recently been informed, has become 20 percent). I don't like it -- why don't their employers just raise the prices that much and actually PAY them, so at least customers could make a reasonable budgeting decision upon ordering? -- but I don't object.

"But on deliveries, I'm already being charged an extra fee. Why am I tipping on top of it? Maintenance workers are paid as well as I am, but I'm told that the reason my previous apartment was always in disrepair was that clearly I wasn't tipping the company's workers and it was revenge. Isn't that why I was paying a ridiculous rent in the first place?

"Hairdressers? Please! They already overcharge, given that I usually just want a shampoo and a very basic trim. Bellboys? Cabbies? Homeless men who decide to employ themselves opening doors without being asked? (I always say, "Thank you, sir," of course, but I don't expect a doorman at 7-Eleven and am not going to pay for one.)

"The situation is totally out of control. I can't seem to budget for a day out because I never know how many people are going to expect a handout along the way. I was chastised for being 'un-American' because I'm not willing to give people money for doing their jobs, but it was always my understanding that paying an agreed-upon fee was paying for services rendered.

"It's not as if the services are cheap, or I'm a member of some idly rich class that can afford to just throw money around to show my largesse. Is there any way at all to stop this trend? Or should I just put a tip jar out on my desk at work to cover the tips I'm supposed to be giving everyone else?"

Miss Manners can comfort you only by reporting that it is the custom of tipping that is historically un-American, as American workers at all levels of employment used to consider themselves too dignified to accept tips.

Alas, the custom is now built into the pay scale of many jobs, and ignoring it would cut into the wages of those who can least afford it. For the others -- those who have simply decided to trade their dignity for handouts -- Miss Manners gives you full leave to refuse to succumb.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work at a small company that just hired a new truck driver to make our deliveries. This man always invades my personal space. Is there a way to kindly tell him to back off?

GENTLE READER: Impound his truck?

Wait, for a minute there, Miss Manners thought he was taking your parking space. If he is standing too close to you or hovering over your desk, it is you who back up or turn your chair away saying, "Would you excuse me, please? I have work to do."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: After about two years of dealing with my father-in-law's dementia and other old-age issues, trying to keep him in his home (by hiring a cook, housekeeper, etc.), my husband and I moved him to an assisted-living facility where he was very familiar with the staff and many residents. He at times said he knows he needs to be there.

We've put much time and energy into this process, including talking with his family doctor and friends and other people in the community in order to do all this in the most humane, dignified and safest way possible. We make a 16-hour round-trip monthly visit to try to give him personal attention as well as deal with his property and business affairs.

I feel satisfied with how we've done this, and only hope we get such treatment when we're in our 80s.

The support and kindness of his community has been one of the positive things to come out of this messy situation. However, a few people continue to offer unasked-for critiques of what we have done wrong and what we should have done. The worst is when we're told that we should have kept him at home and that the speaker would have done this, especially when the speaker doesn't know we did try to keep him at home.

Obviously, the thing to do is to just let it go and recognize that I cannot teach these people manners, much less empathy. But it does hurt and I have to admit I'd like to express this. I find myself thinking, "I know Miss Manners would have just the perfect response." Do you?

GENTLE READER: "I know; it was painful for us to realize he needs more care than we were able to provide. You are kind to take an interest. And you are so right that being in a home atmosphere is comforting. If you were to invite him to stay with you for a few days now and then, I'm sure it would be good for him."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In my third year of law school, I have encountered a potential etiquette problem with an upcoming class. The class' professor is also a local attorney and, presently, an interim judge. Inside the classroom (as well as outside the classroom), how should I refer to the man: as Professor or as Your Honor?

In the past, other students have gotten around the quandary by calling him nothing at all, and although I find that rude, I don't want to commit a horrible error with a judge I will probably appear before in the future.

GENTLE READER: Context is important, as Miss Manners is sure you have learned in studying case histories. In the context of the class, your professor's title is "professor." When you appear before him in court, preferably in a professional capacity, but however you may find yourself facing him, the title to use is "Your Honor."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: This is a question the answer to which will probably benefit any graduate student.

I am about to finish a late paper. It's two years late and, worse, the recipient of the paper is among the leading scholars in her field (unfortunately for me, also my field).

What tone do I take? Flippant I know is bad, but an obsequious apology would probably be seen both as insincere and as a waste of her time. I'm leaning toward a very brief note like this: "Dear Professor Soandso, I'm sorry this is so late." Please advise.

GENTLE READER: Any graduate student? You mean they are all two years late turning in their theses? Oh -- except for those who never finish and therefore never have to grovel.

Yes, grovel. Like flippancy, a perfunctory apology would leave a lasting impression of nonchalance on someone whose opinion will seriously influence your career. Miss Manners has one more writing assignment for you, and it is due when you hand in the paper. The topic is "How I Got So Caught Up in This Fascinating Subject Through Your Teaching and Writing That I Had Trouble Establishing a Cut-Off When I Would Stop Researching and Start Writing."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a married woman in a platonic friendship with a married man. We two couples are members of the same clubs, and so frequently find ourselves in social circumstances.

My friend's wife seems to dislike me intensely, in spite of my attempts at gracious behavior toward her. I suspect that she thinks my friendship with her husband is not platonic. He and I only see each other at parties and club events, always with one or both of our spouses present.

They attend all my parties. He seems to have a good time, while she sits in a corner, without smiling or speaking. I used to invite them to dinner by themselves, but stopped after a few cold refusals. They entertain frequently, and invite all our mutual friends, but not my husband and me. It hurts my feelings when people discuss their plans with this couple, assuming that we have been invited, when we have not. Must I drop them entirely?

GENTLE READER: If your friend has a wife who is jealous for no reason, who sulks at parties and who refuses to reciprocate invitations she has accepted, even if unwillingly, he has a big problem. Miss Manners advises you to extract yourself from the friendship before it becomes your big problem.

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