DEAR MISS MANNERS: This is a question the answer to which will probably benefit any graduate student.

I am about to finish a late paper. It's two years late and, worse, the recipient of the paper is among the leading scholars in her field (unfortunately for me, also my field).

What tone do I take? Flippant I know is bad, but an obsequious apology would probably be seen both as insincere and as a waste of her time. I'm leaning toward a very brief note like this: "Dear Professor Soandso, I'm sorry this is so late." Please advise.

GENTLE READER: Any graduate student? You mean they are all two years late turning in their theses? Oh -- except for those who never finish and therefore never have to grovel.

Yes, grovel. Like flippancy, a perfunctory apology would leave a lasting impression of nonchalance on someone whose opinion will seriously influence your career. Miss Manners has one more writing assignment for you, and it is due when you hand in the paper. The topic is "How I Got So Caught Up in This Fascinating Subject Through Your Teaching and Writing That I Had Trouble Establishing a Cut-Off When I Would Stop Researching and Start Writing."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a married woman in a platonic friendship with a married man. We two couples are members of the same clubs, and so frequently find ourselves in social circumstances.

My friend's wife seems to dislike me intensely, in spite of my attempts at gracious behavior toward her. I suspect that she thinks my friendship with her husband is not platonic. He and I only see each other at parties and club events, always with one or both of our spouses present.

They attend all my parties. He seems to have a good time, while she sits in a corner, without smiling or speaking. I used to invite them to dinner by themselves, but stopped after a few cold refusals. They entertain frequently, and invite all our mutual friends, but not my husband and me. It hurts my feelings when people discuss their plans with this couple, assuming that we have been invited, when we have not. Must I drop them entirely?

GENTLE READER: If your friend has a wife who is jealous for no reason, who sulks at parties and who refuses to reciprocate invitations she has accepted, even if unwillingly, he has a big problem. Miss Manners advises you to extract yourself from the friendship before it becomes your big problem.

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Nobody's paying attention. Such is Miss Manners' conclusion after careful and concentrated observation.

Students who grew up doing their homework to television are now playing handheld games and messaging one another during class. Audiences check their electronic notepads during entertainment events.

Executives who run meetings use their notepads and laptops as prompters and projectors, while the subordinates who attend these meetings use theirs to trade comments and jokes about the presentations.

Families at home are taking calls and messages in connection with their work, and workers are exchanging social calls and messages with their families while on the job.

Vacationers take along their computers and telephones so that they can keep working, and workers who are on duty use theirs to keep playing.

People who are out socially are talking on their telephones to others who are not present, while people who are talking on the telephone when they are home are doing all sorts of other tasks, mentionable and unmentionable, and perhaps even e-mailing others while they are talking.

Diners who go to restaurants with other people give priority attention to telephone callers, while diners out alone give theirs to their laptops.

The package of options available to people who are in cars -- other than watching the scenery or the road or talking or playing games with one another -- is staggering. There are radios, ham radios, cassette players, televisions, books on tape, CDs, DVDs, VCDs, GPSes, telephones, fax machines and multiple power outlets for plugging in other appliances.

Oh, yes, and in all of these situations, everyone is also eating.

Miss Manners notices that people who object to all this activity blame the instruments that make it possible. (It used to be only the gadgets that were held accountable, but now the hamburger and the soft drink have also been identified as culpable.) If only we didn't have all these temptations, we might stop driving ourselves frantic with multitasking, not to mention making everyone else around us crazy with the lack of attention and the noise. Life would return to the easy, peaceful ways of the generations who had to do everything by hand, foot and horse.

Miss Manners takes a longer and possibly more tolerant view. As she recalls, there used to be an enchanting distraction available to everyone struck by boredom at school, at work, at home, at meetings, at social events, at performances, on vacation and when traveling. It was called daydreaming.

Because daydreaming required people to think up their own plots, as opposed to simply downloading them, it seems as quaint as paying personal visits instead of instant-messaging. But it does serve to illustrate the etiquette of multitasking.

The rule is that you must not get caught. Appearing not to pay attention to the person or activity at hand is rude.

A good daydreamer was adept at reading the rhythms of speech so as to be able to say, "Really?" at the right intervals, and to maintain appropriate facial expressions without listening to what was being said.

Applied to modern times, this means that anyone obviously ignoring a live person or performance by brandishing equipment to do something else is rude, and that anyone making noises that betray other activities -- the usual one being the click of computer keys heard over the telephone -- or disturb others is rude, but that successfully hidden distractions do not violate etiquette.

They may lead you to drive into trees, which is not nice, but that is a violation that Miss Manners is fortunately not in charge of policing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have recently had two different houseguests, and they removed their linens in different manners. My question is: Which is correct?

Guest One: Removed the linens (sheets and blankets), left them folded on top of the bed and then "made the bed," putting the bedspread and pillows in place.

Guest Two: Removed the sheets, put them on top of my washing machine, then "made the bed" as described above.

GENTLE READER: The guests are both fine, having put their linens where you would find them and left the room looking neat. But Miss Manners is wondering whether it is quite polite of you to have two such considerate guests when some people haven't had any.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was engaged within the past couple of months, and unfortunately I'm already dealing with a minor issue. I had already picked out my matron of honor, but I didn't want to ask her until the engagement was officially announced and the planning stage was well underway.

Little did I know that my friend and her husband were looking at the possibility of moving to a location that's a 17-hour drive away from where I live. When I found out, I mentioned to my friend that I wanted her to be my matron of honor, but that I had doubts that she would be able to help out or be able to participate in some of the preparation (such as looking for a wedding dress).

She stated that being chosen to be the matron of honor was an honor, and that if need be she would drive here to help out. I still had my concerns, but decided since the move wasn't definite that I would go ahead with my choice.

Now the move is more definite and my doubts about her availability to help out and participate have become more pronounced. I find myself wondering if I shouldn't choose another to be the matron of honor.

I don't really want to choose someone else, since I already have asked her, and I feel that would be an insult. At the same time, I would hate to put such a strain on her and her family by making her drive all the way to where I live to help out with wedding plans. Unfortunately, my financial status and hers won't allow for the purchase of plane tickets, so I'm kind of at a loss as to what to do.

I guess with all that said, I would like to know if it would be wrong of me to choose another person to be my matron of honor after already asking someone else.

GENTLE READER: Apparently, you are not the only bride who looks at the term "maid of honor" (or, in this case, matron) and decides that "maid," rather than "honor," is the defining term.

Miss Manners' mail is filled with pleas for help from poor young ladies who find themselves in indentured servitude after being so chosen. And some of them weren't poor before the brides ordered them to spend lavishly on wedding-related clothes, travel and entertainment -- in addition to waiting upon their best friends, who have suddenly become their non-paying employers.

This is a perversion of the position. The only lady's maid tasks are at the wedding itself, and consist of such fussing as straightening the bride's train at the altar, holding her bouquet during the ceremony, and handing her a tissue during the reception when her cheeks are streaked with guests' lipstick.

Whatever else she may choose to do -- not, please note, what the bride tells her to do -- should come from her being the bride's closest friend, allowing for her own particular circumstances.

So it would indeed be an insult to tell her that she can no longer be your best friend if she is not available for errands. What you should be telling her is that you would love to have her along for the preliminaries, but all that really matters to you is that she stand with you at the altar.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to wear headphones and listen to a baseball game while attending the game with others?

Often it is helpful and informative to hear the radio announcers describe what I am watching. But my husband feels it is rude to listen and not engage in conversation with him during the game.

GENTLE READER: Spectatorship can properly be an individual or a team sport, but not both at the same time. If your husband's sociability interferes with your enjoyment of the game, Miss Manners suggests that you attend alone and that he find more compatible companions with whom to attend.

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