DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother is in a long-term relationship with another man. A co-worker found this out from another source, and confronted me about it, asking all sorts of details about my brother and his lifestyle.

I smiled and said, "That's kind of personal, and I never asked the details anyway, his business is his business."

Then the co-worker accused me of being ashamed of my brother, not concerned for him, bigoted, uncaring, all sorts of things.

This is not true. I love my brother; we are great friends. I just don't feel it is my right to talk about his sex life to co-workers -- or anyone! What should I have said?

GENTLE READER-- Miss Manners is surprised that you don't know that unsatisfied nosy people always bring up the idea of shame as a second line of attack when the blunt inquiry fails. They must have all learned it together in group therapy.

The response is a calm but weary, "No, it's just that I'm not much of a gossip."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband and I invited a number of family and friends to our home for a barbecue, one family member arrived two hours early, one couple arrived 45 minutes early, and a second couple arrived 15 minutes early. Both couples indicated that they believed the invitation was for an hour earlier and thought they were actually late. The family member who arrived early is a parent who always arrives early to every event.

My husband handled the early arrivals by treating them coldly. I handled them by apologizing for the confusion and accepting their offers to help with the preparations, simply making the best of the situation and trying to make my guests feel comfortable.

I was upset and terribly embarrassed by my husband's behavior. Since this wasn't the first time he has reacted this way to early-arriving guests, I am reluctant to invite friends and family to our home again -- at least when my husband is home.

My husband believes that one should not arrive one minute before the time specified in the invitation. In fact, he believes that guests should arrive "fashionably late" -- up to 15 minutes after the start of the event. "His" friends have recommended that we not extend another invitation to guests who arrive early.

Please help us resolve this issue. When invited to a dinner (or other timed event) -- whether it is at someone's home or at a restaurant -- shouldn't one arrive at the stated time? Isn't arriving after the beginning of the event only acceptable if the event is a reception or open house, where guests may arrive during a stated period of time?

GENTLE READER: You win by default, because your husband is not allowed to participate in an etiquette debate. Anyone who is cool to his own guests has no business pretending to know anything about manners.

Besides, he uses that odious phrase "fashionably late" -- and there is no such thing. Guests are allowed a small amount of leeway after the stated hour, and should walk around the block if they find they have arrived early, but minor digressions must be tolerated. Anyone more than a few minutes early should be firmly seated with a drink while you go about finishing your preparations.

But guests' arriving early is not a common problem, and when Miss Manners hears that two couples understood the same earlier hour, she becomes suspicious about the hosts' accuracy.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What am I supposed to do with an iced tea spoon after stirring my iced tea? Usually, there is no saucer to put it on, and I don't want to leave a spot on the tablecloth.

My husband insists that you said to leave the spoon in the glass while drinking, but, having a history of clumsy, unintentional, self-inflicted wounds, I am truly afraid of the damage I might do. (It's scary enough having to manage sharp objects like knives and forks; please don't make me hold a stick that close to my nose and eyes!)

The same messy spoon problem arises when I'm presented with a mug of tea, except then I also have a dripping teabag to deal with. Where is that supposed to go?

GENTLE READER: Please inform your husband that Miss Manners said no such thing. If she had to choose between drinking with a spoon in the glass and ruining the tablecloth, the tablecloth would have to go. Those are more easily repaired than noses and eyes.

Your hosts should not have forced you to make that choice. Saucers -- or small, silver spoon rests, which were invented at the same time that putting ice into tea was -- should be provided. In their absence, and the absence of any nearby plate or coaster, you may inquire of them where they would like you to park your spoon or (ugh) wet tea bag.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is Iranian and has a thick accent. When we visited some friends whose daughter was playing on the computer, he jokingly said she looked like "a mini hacker." Unfortunately, it came out sounding like "a mini hooker."

Our friends were horrified and insulted -- they started defending her "trendy" clothing and hairstyle to my very confused husband. I told them "she looks lovely" and tried to change the subject, but I feel we have done permanent damage.

My husband didn't realize his mistake until we were driving home, when I told him.

What do we say? I said he should apologize for saying she looked like a "hacker" and hope they will figure out the rest. Please help.

GENTLE READER: Why didn't you help him when you had the chance? Surely it is the first duty of a spouse to throw out a lifeline when husband or wife has ventured out too far and is flailing around helplessly in danger of drowning.

You should have burst immediately into gales of giggles, saying, "Did you think he said 'hooker'? He said 'hacker'! He's talking about her computer skills, not her sweet looks. Honey, do you realize what they think you said?" And he could have added his horrified protest, to the amusement of all.

Now Miss Manners is afraid it will have to be done seriously. Your notion of pretending not to have realized their mistake will be workable if he doesn't just substitute the word -- let's not add any handwriting confusion here -- but apologizes at length, explaining that he did not in the least mean to suggest that their daughter broke into other people's computers.

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Surely all that employers need in the way of etiquette guidance is, "Treat your employees as you would like to be treated."

Naaah.

For some, it is apparently too much of a stretch to think of nannies, interns, household help and other personal assistants as being seriously comparable to themselves. What would such people want with defined hours, discretionary income, sick leave, paid vacation and clearly delineated job descriptions that cannot be stretched without mutual agreement and additional compensation?

Furthermore, it is unfair to expect them to understand the burden of running a large establishment. They cannot imagine how their bosses envy their being able to do their own small parts and then be done, free of worry and responsibility.

As it is, they get the pleasure and excitement of being an intimate part of something beyond their own modest lives. What is more, they are treated as members of their employees' families.

Do you begin to see why Miss Manners is not willing to let "Do unto others" (itself a dangerous shortening of the excellent and noble Golden Rule) carry the entire burden of etiquette?

It is certainly the basis of manners, in both the moral and practical sense, so she is careful to avoid denying its importance. Both humanity and society depend on acknowledging that others have feelings just as we do, and tempering our own behavior so as to avoid tweaking them unnecessarily.

But perhaps we are not so good at figuring them out. Consider the easy confidence with which people say, "Oh, he won't mind" and "I'm sure she won't care."

"There'll be a lot of people there, so he won't mind if we don't show." "She doesn't care about birthdays." "They won't mind if we drop by." "I knew you wouldn't care if I told them about your problems."

When it turns out that these people do mind and care, the perpetrators are bewildered. "Well, I wouldn't have minded," they say, or "I can't imagine caring about something so silly."

Maybe that is true, and maybe it isn't. It is easy to romanticize the tolerance we expect others to show us. Often these are the people who scream the loudest when they are on the receiving end of these supposedly unimportant slights.

But even if they genuinely wouldn't care, others apparently do. This is why etiquette does not depend on one grand principle to inspire considerate behavior, but supplements it with specific rules and duties.

To get back to the employers -- Miss Manners can understand what happens when they put themselves into the places of their closest employees. They can truthfully say that they would consider it such an honor and a privilege to be associated with themselves that technicalities concerning wages and hours would be of secondary importance.

And anyway, those things don't count among family members, as such employees are magnanimously considered.

However, the family member they seem to have in mind is Cinderella.

Miss Manners has a new general guideline for these employers to try:

Treat your employees as if they were writing a book about you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've been married to my lovely wife for eight years. We have always celebrated our anniversary in grand style. I have commemorated significant years with jewels and always with a romantic dinner.

We are both working professionals, and I was wondering if it is appropriate for me to receive anything in return (non-physical).

GENTLE READER: Did you really have to add that at the end?

Miss Manners was about to give you a stirring yet touching speech about reciprocity in marriage, in the hope of persuading your wife to see if the jeweler also carries cufflinks. But after you mentioned the notion of physical acts as reciprocation for jewels, she was no longer in the mood.

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