DEAR MISS MANNERS: What am I supposed to do with an iced tea spoon after stirring my iced tea? Usually, there is no saucer to put it on, and I don't want to leave a spot on the tablecloth.

My husband insists that you said to leave the spoon in the glass while drinking, but, having a history of clumsy, unintentional, self-inflicted wounds, I am truly afraid of the damage I might do. (It's scary enough having to manage sharp objects like knives and forks; please don't make me hold a stick that close to my nose and eyes!)

The same messy spoon problem arises when I'm presented with a mug of tea, except then I also have a dripping teabag to deal with. Where is that supposed to go?

GENTLE READER: Please inform your husband that Miss Manners said no such thing. If she had to choose between drinking with a spoon in the glass and ruining the tablecloth, the tablecloth would have to go. Those are more easily repaired than noses and eyes.

Your hosts should not have forced you to make that choice. Saucers -- or small, silver spoon rests, which were invented at the same time that putting ice into tea was -- should be provided. In their absence, and the absence of any nearby plate or coaster, you may inquire of them where they would like you to park your spoon or (ugh) wet tea bag.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is Iranian and has a thick accent. When we visited some friends whose daughter was playing on the computer, he jokingly said she looked like "a mini hacker." Unfortunately, it came out sounding like "a mini hooker."

Our friends were horrified and insulted -- they started defending her "trendy" clothing and hairstyle to my very confused husband. I told them "she looks lovely" and tried to change the subject, but I feel we have done permanent damage.

My husband didn't realize his mistake until we were driving home, when I told him.

What do we say? I said he should apologize for saying she looked like a "hacker" and hope they will figure out the rest. Please help.

GENTLE READER: Why didn't you help him when you had the chance? Surely it is the first duty of a spouse to throw out a lifeline when husband or wife has ventured out too far and is flailing around helplessly in danger of drowning.

You should have burst immediately into gales of giggles, saying, "Did you think he said 'hooker'? He said 'hacker'! He's talking about her computer skills, not her sweet looks. Honey, do you realize what they think you said?" And he could have added his horrified protest, to the amusement of all.

Now Miss Manners is afraid it will have to be done seriously. Your notion of pretending not to have realized their mistake will be workable if he doesn't just substitute the word -- let's not add any handwriting confusion here -- but apologizes at length, explaining that he did not in the least mean to suggest that their daughter broke into other people's computers.

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Surely all that employers need in the way of etiquette guidance is, "Treat your employees as you would like to be treated."

Naaah.

For some, it is apparently too much of a stretch to think of nannies, interns, household help and other personal assistants as being seriously comparable to themselves. What would such people want with defined hours, discretionary income, sick leave, paid vacation and clearly delineated job descriptions that cannot be stretched without mutual agreement and additional compensation?

Furthermore, it is unfair to expect them to understand the burden of running a large establishment. They cannot imagine how their bosses envy their being able to do their own small parts and then be done, free of worry and responsibility.

As it is, they get the pleasure and excitement of being an intimate part of something beyond their own modest lives. What is more, they are treated as members of their employees' families.

Do you begin to see why Miss Manners is not willing to let "Do unto others" (itself a dangerous shortening of the excellent and noble Golden Rule) carry the entire burden of etiquette?

It is certainly the basis of manners, in both the moral and practical sense, so she is careful to avoid denying its importance. Both humanity and society depend on acknowledging that others have feelings just as we do, and tempering our own behavior so as to avoid tweaking them unnecessarily.

But perhaps we are not so good at figuring them out. Consider the easy confidence with which people say, "Oh, he won't mind" and "I'm sure she won't care."

"There'll be a lot of people there, so he won't mind if we don't show." "She doesn't care about birthdays." "They won't mind if we drop by." "I knew you wouldn't care if I told them about your problems."

When it turns out that these people do mind and care, the perpetrators are bewildered. "Well, I wouldn't have minded," they say, or "I can't imagine caring about something so silly."

Maybe that is true, and maybe it isn't. It is easy to romanticize the tolerance we expect others to show us. Often these are the people who scream the loudest when they are on the receiving end of these supposedly unimportant slights.

But even if they genuinely wouldn't care, others apparently do. This is why etiquette does not depend on one grand principle to inspire considerate behavior, but supplements it with specific rules and duties.

To get back to the employers -- Miss Manners can understand what happens when they put themselves into the places of their closest employees. They can truthfully say that they would consider it such an honor and a privilege to be associated with themselves that technicalities concerning wages and hours would be of secondary importance.

And anyway, those things don't count among family members, as such employees are magnanimously considered.

However, the family member they seem to have in mind is Cinderella.

Miss Manners has a new general guideline for these employers to try:

Treat your employees as if they were writing a book about you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've been married to my lovely wife for eight years. We have always celebrated our anniversary in grand style. I have commemorated significant years with jewels and always with a romantic dinner.

We are both working professionals, and I was wondering if it is appropriate for me to receive anything in return (non-physical).

GENTLE READER: Did you really have to add that at the end?

Miss Manners was about to give you a stirring yet touching speech about reciprocity in marriage, in the hope of persuading your wife to see if the jeweler also carries cufflinks. But after you mentioned the notion of physical acts as reciprocation for jewels, she was no longer in the mood.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every time my in-laws visit, they attempt to hijack my kitchen. As soon as they arrive, they run to the grocery store and buy groceries. It's not that my kitchen isn't stocked. I already have margarine and butter, for example, but I don't have the "right" brand of margarine or the kind of bread they prefer.

If I go to the grocery store, they accompany me and attempt to direct my shopping. My sister-in-law, for example, instructed me not to buy red meat -- I'd already served it too many nights in a row -- and inspected the lunchmeat I'd purchased because the one I'd bought before was "too greasy." My mother-in-law purchased some sour cream so as to modify a spinach dip I'd served, saying it was "too mayonnaise-y."

My mother-in-law attempts to usurp my menu by begging to prepare the meals, and sometimes, despite my firm objections, takes it upon herself to bake cookies or some other favorite dish in my kitchen.

Once she started a batch of cookies just a few hours before a dinner party, making it very difficult for me to prepare the meal.

I might add that, when we visit, my mother-in-law rebuffs any offers of help in the kitchen, even to assist with the cleanup.

I'm a decent cook, but she's convinced that she's an expert and therefore entitled to take over both at her house and mine. (Even though, I'm forced to point out, the meals she prepares usually consist of overcooked meat and a slightly rancid iceberg lettuce salad.) Also, she's utterly obsessed with her weight and has a morbid fear of consuming any calories not completely to her liking.

As I mentioned, I've been clear about my desire to manage the cooking and the kitchen, but, short of throwing an ugly fit, she's not going to get the message. Any suggestions for dealing with this boorish behavior?

GENTLE READER: In the same spirit your mother-in-law is exhibiting. But no, no, not boorishly. Tempting as it must be to tell them that it's your house, that your husband happens to prefer your cooking, and that they can clear out of the kitchen this instant, it would be not only rude but useless.

It would turn into a big daughter-in-law grievance -- that you can't cook and can't even behave yourself. From their point of view, all they are doing is making themselves at home in their own son's house and trying to help you out.

It is that spirit of bossiness disguised as politeness that Miss Manners wants you to adopt. You must announce that you are going to insist on pampering them -- they work so hard when you visit them that you simply won't hear of their lifting a finger. Then you can tell them to clear out of the kitchen this instant -- in an affectionate tone of concern for their welfare, as you forcibly steer them to comfortable chairs in the living room.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My siblings and I are planning a 30th-anniversary party for my parents. We'd like to include all of their friends and extended family, but none of us has much money.

Both parents have six siblings, so it'd be impossible to keep the guest list short without lots of hurt feelings. My sister suggested sending a letter to guests and asking for donations. I'm uneasy about this. Is there a good way to word such a request?

GENTLE READER: How about a nice family photograph, showing all of you, and saying "Please donate to the needy"?

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